| | Re: I hate being Queer
Hi there, and welcome to EC. I'm glad you've found this site, as I think this is probably the most supportive and welcoming 'place' in the world. I hope you find that to be true.
It sounds like you've given this a lot of effort over the years. And the fact that you've had relationships that lasted 2 years at a time says to me that you're someone that others would want to be with. Unfortunately your specific situation narrows down significantly who might be interested in a romantic or physical relationship with you. And that is making it difficult (seemingly impossible) for you to find a life partner.
But I always come back to the fact that nothing will change about your personal situation unless you change it. It sounds like you've tried lots of different things over the past several years, but it would appear that you need to try even more. I have to believe that there is a way for you to make this work - you just haven't found it yet.
Do you see a therapist? A professional that you can speak to about these issues? It sounds like it might be something to consider. They'll get to know you better than we can, and they'll perhaps have some suggestions for you.
But hang out here. Open up to the community here. There may be others who can closely relate to what you're going through and offer suggestions. Certainly there are trans people here who could benefit from hearing more of your story - even if it doesn't have a happy ending yet on the personal front.
But I know they'd benefit from hearing about your transition and how that worked with your professional life. Young people today need role models, and you might be able to provide them with one. Maybe that's your calling?
I wish there was something else I could offer. Because it hurts me to think that you've reached the end of your rope and don't hold out much hope for future happiness. I was in that dark and hopeless place about 5 years ago as I ended the marriage to my wife, came to terms with being gay, and entering recovery from my addiction. I hardly thought there was a point in going on. But there was. I couldn't see what life had in store for me - and it was pretty amazing. So keep the hope - because despite all of the setbacks you've experienced you really don't know what tomorrow might hold in store for you.
Feel free to reach out to me directly if you want to talk one on one with someone else who is in their 40s.
"It is never too late to be what you might have been."