[GoBabyGoGo]

For a while now I’ve been feeling a bit depressed. Its not like anything really bad has happened, but I feel like nothing good has happened either. I feel like my life is boring. I feel isolated and lonely. I feel frustrated. I wake up tired, and I can’t get to sleep at night with all these thoughts. I’m a little low on motivation.

My Mum has sort of gathered that I feel this way, and has tried to get me to play board games with her for something to do. I don’t think she quite realizes how old I am.

So far these holidays, I’ve hung out with my homophobic Dad for a week while he socializes with all his friends, then come back home to my Mum’s and did nothing. I really want to do stuff with my friends, but I don’t have many and none of them want to do anything. My group of friends are all guys and have very different interests to me. They all like shooters and video games and action movies – not particularly my thing.

I wish I could get involved in some sort of social group and meet some new people, but seriously, where I live there’s nothing remotely interesting in a 2hr travel radius. I live in a really small town; no GLBT groups. Nothing. Even if there were, I’m a really shy person and don’t meet people easily.

There are always sporting groups. A great way to have fun, get exercise and socialize at the same time!! But I’ve learnt my lesson – I CANNOT do sport. I do not enjoy it, and it is only embarrassing and humiliating for me.

My (best) friend has had a girlfriend now for about a year and they are always doing stuff together. He doesn’t have much time for me anymore. I get so fucking jealous when I see them around snogging out in public. I get upset when I see any couple my age for some reason. The other day, I went out to the movies with my Mum, and there I met another of my friends with his girlfriend. I said hi, but it was so awkward. I sometimes feel like I’m missing out on being an adolescent.

I really want to come out to my friends. But I’m scared. I keep making excuses, like I don’t have any close enough friends, or I never get a chance to. Then I wonder if it would change anything anyway. My (best) friend is the most mature, but he never talks about anything personal to anyone. He just closes up and changes the topic. It really pisses me off… so I wonder just how well he would take it.

So I guess I’ll just go back to school and put these holidays behind me. At least it will keep me busy. I’ll have to put up with seeing my crush on the bus every day, which is so ridiculous because I don’t even know him. I know nothing will ever happen because: a) He’s not gay, b) He’s not gay, and c) He’s not gay. I’ve never had a bf in my life!

And my god, I’ve already ranted on for a full page! If you’re still reading this I really admire your patience!!! Thankyou