Hello everyone it's just another teen confused about her sexuality. I'm 17 and I'm stressed about whether I'm bisexual or a lesbian. I'm really worried about this and I'm just looking for some insight and advice, if anyone has gone through a similar thing. I have a lot of self doubt about my orientation and it stresses me out so much. The thing I would like most is to be happy with my sexuality, whatever it is, but I can't seem to settle on one no matter how hard I try to accept it.
I have had crushes on both sexes - with boy crushes, I knew what they were at the time and enjoyed them. I didn't have to think about them, they just happened. With girl crushes, I didn't know what they were and like many other women I assumed they were admiration. When I had my boy crushes, I was so excited by seeing them and couldn't stop thinking about them, often obsessively. I found them very attractive, I'd love to look at their faces and just inspect them. I would notice the little things about them, like the way they walked and loved hearing their voices. I craved their attention. I was always on the look out for them and hoping I would see them. I liked being near to them, but I never experienced anything other than fantasy with these boys. At the time, I know I wanted to kiss them and thought about losing my virginity to them. This is why I never thought I could be a lesbian, but maybe I was wrong!
Nowadays, I feel more drawn to women. My girl crushes back then existed but were buried a little as I had little knowledge of LGBT couples so had nothing to put these feelings to. My first hint that I liked girls was that I stumbled across lesbian porn and got very turned on by it when I was about 7 or 8. I found their bodies sexually attractive, but I thought it was just a fluke. Along with this, I found one of my good friends at school very beautiful, one of the prettiest girls I knew and really wanted to be her friend. I described her hair as 'angel hair' and thought I admired her. But looking back I know this was a crush, and may have experienced similar inklings of feelings towards other girls too. They were less prominent, and I didn't have the obsessive thoughts and fantasies about them. They felt different.
I form deeper emotional connections with girls - I can talk to my friends and my mum about everything. Most of my friends are girls - I have male friends, but I don't feel quite as comfortable around them yet. I'm not sure if this is because I'm a girl or if I'm gay. I still get turned on by girls a lot; however with boys, at the time I viewed the lesbian porn, I didn't view boys sexually only romantically. However, nowadays I do find boy's bodies arousing. It's just strange, because I've had this anxiety around males for a long time and wasn't turned on by them until recently.
This is my basic, basic story. There is so much more to my story that I can't share on here because it's too personal and would take a long time to write and I would forget things anyway. I've hesitated talking about masturbation, because to me that's really private but maybe if you knew about that it would help. My first fantasies when I would masturbate were to women. Then they were to men and women. Sometimes I would only fantasise about women, and sometimes only men. Both are very arousing. For some reason I couldn't masturbate to men for a long time, I don't know why! This is a doubt that I have.
If there are any lesbians that could help me, that would be so helpful! How do you feel about men? If you've experienced things with men, like crushes, how did they make you feel? Is there any advice you could give me on how to know if you genuinely like boys, or even though they felt happy at the time your crushes were due to external forces? This something I'm struggling with a lot at the moment. I'd love to date a girl and am out to my parents and some friends, but would love to hear other's experiences and advice. Thank you.