| | Choosing yourself over others
I hurt someone today. Deeply and painfully. And I warned him - I really did. I told him that I've never had anyone been close to me before. And yet he tried, and he tried;until I eventually did everything I was afraid I'd do. And it hurt him. And, when I look back at it, I think I just lost the one thing I've been wanting for so long. And I end up sitting here, wondering why I keep doing this to myself.
I'm 21 now, and never been with anyone before. I've never even attempted to do anything sexual with another guy before. And its caused mainly from my sheltered and guarded life. Away from the gay community and away from any oppurtunities to meet another interested guy. And because of my actions, no guy has ever been close to me, and I was comfortable with it. I just got accepted into nursing school last year, so things have gone well for me. And I came to the understanding that being with anyone would just be excess baggage. But that was until I met him at a concert.
He and I got close as friends, and I made sure to put that line out there to him. I wanted a strict friendship and nothing more. But even so, he kept pushing it. He knew I liked him more than just friends, but he also knew that I've never been with anyone before. He figured it was because I was scared, or felt guilty because he knew how religious and anti-gay my family was. I warned him not to get close - I really did.
And I hurt him emotionally. And hes gone now, and had left me with some words. These words rang very deeply into me, as it were things I myself was aware of. He said I didn't love myself, and that it will be impossible for me to ever be with someone if I cant even be okay with myself. He also mentioned how I can't make a decision for myself - that its always based on what others think is right. And hes probably right, I've never been one to care for myself. I've always lived for others, even in nursing - my entire goal is to help out others and do things for them. Even in my family. I have a baby brother who loves me and looks up to me in everything I do. If I were to come out to my family, that would lead to being cut off from college and thusly risk tarnishing my baby brothers image of me. I could never harm him for what I find attractive.
And so, with that massive wall of text, I have a question. How do I learn to love myself? What do you think I should choose? Because in order to love myself, I would have to come out. And to come out, would mean my family would know. And that would risk everything i have with them. Its funny really, i ran out of people to make my decisions for me so here I am asking you all here what you think I should do. I guess he was right when I couldnt make my own choices. But how could anyone choose when the outcomes are so bleak and terrible no matter what? I think I may have just become damaged goods at this point :P