[steve35]

Hey folks, wanted to share my story to see if anyone else has had an experience like mine. Part of the confusion with my sexuality is that there's an abundance of odd experiences in my life, and I can't tell what information I'm supposed to trust:

I was exclusively hetero growing up. Aside from two episodes of playing "doctor" with boys at age 5 and maybe 7 (the whole time I remember thinking "aw come on, let's try this with girls" - later when I did I preferred it). I was *obsessed* with women, their body parts, and had romantic and sexual crushes on women all the way from age 5 through to my 30's (I'm 38 now). Some of the crushes I had on girls were even painful, I felt jealous if they talked to anyone else or rejected me. I also had a lot of emotional issues, coming from a very strange and dysfunctional family, and so I didn't have a lot of confidence with women, or anybody really.

I'm cutting out a lot of detail, including a traumatic event with my dad, some possible PTSD, and further painful stuff, but the first time I noticed any sort of same-sex attraction was at about 27 years of age. It was a period of time where I was stressed to the max by work, socially nervous, lonely for buddies and close friends, and generally unhappy. Also, I had noticed that for a few years the 'spark' I felt for the female body was dying. But, I only took it half-seriously, given that I still had some heterosexual juice left in the batteries, and my opinion that 1) it's not possible to turn gay, and 2) gays perceive their difference earlier in life.

Fast forward 10 years later, and I'm questioning it again, and more heavily now. Here's where I'm at:

- I'm really pissed at this perceived loss of heterosexuality. The fantasies and experiences I had were so awesome, and I always thought as a child that I'd grow up, gain more confidence, and get to have fun with a lot of women.
- I also feel like I'm losing my identity, like I have an overtly feminine or artsy/campy nature that wants to emerge. I like the idea of being a strong masculine male - while there are certainly gay men with calm, masculine persona, I feel like that's not my fate.
- I can't seem to enjoy the idea of gay sex. I try to masturbate to gay porn, I try imagining being in a gay relationship, none of it feels right.
- I had plenty of opportunity to experience gay lust they way I did straight lust (i.e. being around guys at the beach) and never did. I remember at 16 a friend lent me a bodybuilding manual. I'd look at the pictures and be impressed at the physiques, but not attracted. I definitely would have noticed if it were there.
- I feel worst about my gf. I love her, I don't want to leave her, I don't want to break her heart.

I have a feeling I'm overthinking this. Part of the problem is that I have a shrink who's certain I'm not gay and that I just need to examine myself further. But this is killing me. Why couldn't I just be gay or straight from the start? Life is bullshit.