lm feeling really empty and lonely

[Anonymous]

i'm in my mid 30s. i have been single for years. by choice. some may say i'm being picky but i was really waiting for this awesome person. i have pretty much approached and tried to connect with people i was really interested in but it never worked out. meanwhile the years have passed by and im still alone and still going to bed alone. of course i do not have to go to bed alone or be single. i have opitons (both women and men) that want to get with me. i'm not out. however, i haven't felt that feeling like "omg, this is the person." i guess i was waiting for love to show up and lust kept knocking on my door and i didn't answer it. but after years of being alone, i feel empty inside. almost like i will never find someone. it hurts. i feel frustrated a lot now or just apathetic or lonely. sometimes i just feel like saying "screw it" and just pick someone and be with them even when i know i dont really like them. luckily people find me attractive so i have that option. i feel like i'm just "ok" looking but since i get attention, that does feel good. anyway, has anyone else ever felt like this. i was really waiting to meet that special guy but hasn't happened. i go to straight events mostly but i have been to soem gay things as well (clubs and such).there's noone at the clubs. i do go to professional straight networking events and social parties. i'm not shy about approaching some dude that i think is hot or that i'm interested in and chatting him up at a straight event. i woudl assume there are other people like me there too. however, usually they are always straight or a closeted bi at the least. never goes anyway. it would be nice for a guy to take a risk and approach me like that. some have only problem is i'm never attracted to them. i feel like i present a pretty good package in terms of looks, attire, education and conversation, but the people that do approach me do not have the same thing i am able to provide and it's like, "why the heck do i get the ones that are not remotely attractive." i guess they have the most courage. it's not all about looks trust me, but you like what you like and you dont like what you dont like. anyone else been through this?

p.s. please don't get on here and start saying i'm superficial and that's why i'm alone. that's not true. there's nothing wrong with wanting to be physically attractive to someone you're with. it's not hte only thing i'm looking for but it's certainly a component. also, if you are gay and a member of the opposite sex apporached you, you would be flattered but you wouldn't be attracted to them becasue you like the same sex. it's the same thing. so dont event waste your time going there with the "you're superficial" bit.

[Chandra]

It isn't superficial to require that physical attraction be one of the important qualities in a prospective mate. It's superficial if that's the only quality you care about, but that doesn't sound like the case here.

I'm in my mid-thirties, and went through a very, very long dry spell - nearly a decade - before I found my current partner. I also worried that I was too picky or that I was somehow doing something to always attract the wrong kind of person.

It used to drive me absolutely nuts when people would tell me "Don't worry, you'll find someone!" so I'm not going to tell you that. Nobody can be sure of what the future might hold. However, reading over your situation, there is one thing that stands out for me - you say you're not out yet. (And although you didn't state it in your post, I got the impression that you're male, and mainly interested in meeting men - is that correct?) Again, I'm not going to tell you that you need to come out before you'll be able to find someone - sometimes people do find wonderful partners while they're still closeted. But for me, coming out made all the difference in the world. It meant that I was fully and openly able to accept my own sexuality, which in turn increased my self-confidence. I believe that this is what allowed me to really put myself out there, and find the amazing person I found.

And don't get me wrong - I wasn't down on myself or highly insecure before I came out at all. I considered myself to be a fairly attractive person with good personal qualities, and worthy of someone's affection. But there was still that level of uncertainty around my sexuality that I'm sure other potential mates could pick up on, and that caused me to keep people at a distance even though I didn't consciously want to. So I'm just putting this out there as a suggestion to you - maybe there is something similar happening in your case?

[Anonymous]

yes i am male. i would like to meet a really cool and nice guy. as far as being out, i'm not. still in this middle zone of figuring myeslf out. however, when im interested in someone it's pretty clear. maybe people can "pick up on some sexual confusion". but since i'm still a gay virgin, there's going to be some confusion no matter what. thanks for your post. not sure that "coming out" really is going to change anything in my opinion. maybe some of my straight friends will have single gay peopel they can hook me up with. that could possibly be the only result. because whenever i see a guy at a party or event or whatever and i do not know if he is gay or not, i actively make a connection with him when appropriate and let him know without specifically saying im somewhat interested. but again most of these poeple are probalby closeted so it nver works out.

[Lexington]

It's easy to think there are two ways to approach the dating/sex scene. "Wait for the perfect guy" and "date/fuck anything that says yes". But honestly, the best approach seems to be something in between. My theory has always been "it's never a bad time for a good relationship, but it's never a good time for a bad one". So when I was single, my basic mindset was "I'm happy being single, but I wouldn't mind getting into a good relationship". I didn't jump on a opportunity (or a guy) simply because one presented itself. But at the same time, I tried to give each guy a fair shake. Was he a good guy? Did I like talking with him? If so, sure, I might go out with him. Not to bed with him, but out on a date. And if nothing developed, I wouldn't have any trouble saying "I gave it a go, but I'm afraid I just wasn't really connecting with you at all."

>>>it would be nice for a guy to take a risk and approach me like that. some have only problem is i'm never attracted to them. i feel like i present a pretty good package in terms of looks, attire, education and conversation, but the people that do approach me do not have the same thing i am able to provide and it's like, "why the heck do i get the ones that are not remotely attractive."

I'll go ahead and say that this rubbed me completely the wrong way.

It's not that I don't understand the mindset. It's not the "superficiality", as it were, that I take issue to. I certainly wished the guys who would approach me would've been drop-dead gorgeous, with the seven-figure incomes and vacation homes across the country, and nine-inches-plus, and anything else you can think of. And yeah, sometimes the guys who approached me weren't much to look at. And some were of the type that I didn't mind saying "no" right off the bat. (Although in my case, that nearly always had to do with personality rather than looks.) But I can't say I ever thought "this person doesn't have the same thing I'm able to provide". That goes a step above and beyond "I can't say I find this guy physically appealing". You're saying - literally - "you're not in my league". News flash - everyone is in your league. We're all a bunch of neuroses and problems wrapped up in human skin. And covering those neuroses with an Adonis face or an Armani suit doesn't change a thing, other than those neuroses will probably get hit on more often.

If you had asked me what my "type" was fifteen years ago, I probably could've given you a good thumbnail sketch. He'd be tall, trim, muscular, perhaps half-white-half-Asian, long hair, clean shaven, and an absolute music fiend like I am. Nowadays? I'm partnered...to a short, round, bald, bearded guy who really doesn't care much about music at all.

So what happened? Did I "settle"? Did I think "I'll never find that guy of my dreams, so I'd best just hook up with the first guy to say yes"?

No - I fell in love.

And I fell in love with this guy because I did what I'm imploring you (and everybody) to do - give people a chance. If this guy had passed me on the street, or maybe said "hi" to me in a bar, I probably wouldn't have given him a second look. But we ended up talking, and interacting, and laughing. And so I gave the guy a chance. And as time went on, we fell for each other harder than either of us would've ever thought possible.

And I'm not alone in this. I'm not saying "love at first sight" doesn't happen, but it's surprising how many people end up with people that aren't "their type". And it happens not out of desperation, but because they stop looking for what they THINK is their ideal. They start looking at people as individuals, they give them all a chance to make a connection, and sometimes something clicks, and they run with it.

It sounds like you've had this "awesome person" in mind for years, and comparing all the flesh-and-blood people that came your way with him. And not surprisingly, most came up wanting. And the few that may have passed the test physically weren't interested in you. And so here you are in your mid-30s, and Mr Awesome is still nowhere to be seen. So I'm going to suggest one thing.

Rethink your entire mindset.

According to your post, you've been mainly looking for a would-be boyfriend at "straight functions". And there's nothing necessarily wrong with that - many people met their partners at non-gay-related activities. But based on your post, it sounds like you were approaching them (and getting approached) on something akin to the downlow. A minute or two of banter and would-be cat-and-mouse. And then making a decision completely and solely on that. Which gives you very little data. You know what they look like, basically what they sound like, and that's about it. In short, all they have to "wow" you with is (potentially) impressively good looks, and perhaps a honey tongue.

So I'd suggest both changing that mindset, and changing the approach. If somebody immediately rubs you the wrong way, sure, find your excuse and move on. But if not, talk some more. Give them a chance to make a connection with you on a level beyond the physical. If nothing happens, hey, you gave it a go. If you find something clicking, perhaps see about meeting up again, and seeing if something grows from that.

Secondly, think about where you're meeting these people. Gay clubs aren't much better, simply because it's loud and noisy and busy, and thus you're reduced once more to the physicality and a few seconds of shouted conversation. But why not check out some other gay places? Most towns of some size have "gay neighborhoods", with shops and restaurants and galleries and coffee shops. Or try going online, and checking out gay volleyball leagues or bike riding groups. This immediately puts a lot more gay people within your reach, and puts you in a situation where you have other commonalities (volleyball, biking) to build on.

Lex

[Anonymous]

thank you lex. sorry that rubbed you the wrong way. not sure what exactly rubbed you the wrong way. i did not say someone was not in my league. but i was only saying that...you know actually, i dont even have the energy to re-explain what i was saying. i know what i meant and if you took it the wrong way.....that has more to do with you than it has to do with me.

as far as the rest of your advice. it was helpful. thank you.

[thylvin]

What Lexington and Chandra both said is good advice!

But I will add this.

From primary school until I was 29 I never had a date, never wanted to date or naything like that. I was like you, I waited to the right person to approach me. But mostly what held me back during this entire time was the fact that I wasn't sure about my sexuality was a major factor even though I didn't admit it.

Sure I had some experiences before, only a couple... like in school with only two guys, but that was more just touching and wanking and so on. I just wasn't ready for the sex part, I still felt it revolted somehow. So basically I only loved the front part of a guy but not the but area LOL

so I grew older and still I had no one in my life and still looking for the right one. During those times I was more sure I am gay but more in denial about it if you know what I mean. I started to feel depressed about that and lonely, I delved my self into novels and movies and games just so that I do not feel that much alone.

Don't get me wrong I had friends, but non of them knew of my sexual dilemma or anything... i kept it very secretive and all of them were straight any ways... there were one guy that was bisexual and he was one I had a few experiences in school with, but not the kind i would want to be in my life with. I always rejected his advances of more experimentation and so on.

But eventually after a couple of more years i got to terms with who i am. That's about the time that my hubby came into my life and everything changed. He might not be attractive or own a big house with lots of cars, but he was sort of famous and had the most wonderful personality i could have ever looked for in a guy. He met most of my check list but not all of the items.

Basically what i want to say is do not change your ideas of an ideal soul mate too much, but it would be better if you can be lenient with the list. Mr right will come your way, just keep hanging in there and keep your eyes peeled... he will come into your life in the most unexpected way.

Take for example me. I walked home from one of the clients (I was in a biking accident and were waiting for the insurance to finish up the paperwork so I can get a new bike) i saw that night and nearly there (about 6km distance) this guy on a motorcycle. He asked me if i wanted a life... but i am always weary of motorbike drivers unless I am behind the steering. I at first refused but somehow he kept asking and driving slowly next to me until I eventually gave in. That was how we met... I didn't see his face as it was dark and he was wearing a helmet.

[Chip]

I'll add to this:

You think coming out doesn't matter. But it does. Coming out is as much about accepting and loving yourself as it is about telling the world (or anyone who cares) that you're gay.

When you're closeted, it's because you don't have enough faith and belief and self-love to be who you really are. You're pretending to be someone you're not. And when you have a mask up for the world, it tends to do two things: #1, it obscures part of what makes you you. Not just the gay part, but other attributes as well, because you're busy, in your own mind, not being yourself and, at some level, being on edge. #2, that mask comes across to others. Not blatantly (at least, not in most cases) but very subtly, perhaps even below consciousness. And that can be very off-putting to some guys.

Finally, there are an awful lot of men who aren't interested in going out with closeted guys because, well, it's a huge hassle, it tends to be degrading to the 'out' partner, and it causes all sorts of complications.

So I think you've gotten a lot of great advice in this thread, but I also think, if you're in your mid-30s, that it's time to really examine *why* you're still in the closet. Unless there's something else going on you haven't told us, it sounds like it's strictly fear and perhaps some underlying esteem issues. If that's the case, I'd say it's time to do some work on that so you can become more comfortable with yourself, and, in the process, become more open... which should lead to your being more appealing to someone else.

Feel free to message me or any of the other advisor team if you decide that approaching coming out is a good idea and want some help with that.

Hope that helps!

[Lexington]

>>>sorry that rubbed you the wrong way. not sure what exactly rubbed you the wrong way. i did not say someone was not in my league. but i was only saying that...you know actually, i dont even have the energy to re-explain what i was saying. i know what i meant and if you took it the wrong way.....that has more to do with you than it has to do with me.

Perhaps so. But you pretty much verified that I was reading it correctly.

Lex

[starfish]

Originally Posted by Lexington

Perhaps so. But you pretty much verified that I was reading it correctly.

I concur with the representative from Colorado.

You are clearly not happy with your current situation. So the next time that someone comes up to you, what is the harm in chatting with then for a while? You never know what might happen.

[Chandra]

Originally Posted by Chip

You think coming out doesn't matter. But it does. Coming out is as much about accepting and loving yourself as it is about telling the world (or anyone who cares) that you're gay.

When you're closeted, it's because you don't have enough faith and belief and self-love to be who you really are. You're pretending to be someone you're not. And when you have a mask up for the world, it tends to do two things: #1, it obscures part of what makes you you. Not just the gay part, but other attributes as well, because you're busy, in your own mind, not being yourself and, at some level, being on edge. #2, that mask comes across to others. Not blatantly (at least, not in most cases) but very subtly, perhaps even below consciousness. And that can be very off-putting to some guys.

Finally, there are an awful lot of men who aren't interested in going out with closeted guys because, well, it's a huge hassle, it tends to be degrading to the 'out' partner, and it causes all sorts of complications.

Yes, this is a better explanation of what I was trying to say.