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Old 21st Dec 2011, 09:46 AM   #1
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Default My secret (contains swearing)

I have a dirty little secret,
I am bi. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I just had a huge meltdown right now. Fucking HUGE...for me. I had to leave class to cry in the bathroom.
At first it started off with me feeling empowered then, a thought crossed my mind which has been in there for dayss "Am I straight?"...NO I have a girlfriend! Right?!
Then I felt cold, this cold all over my body. Then the next thought came "I'm bi".
No.
No.
No! No fucking way!
I felt that powerless feeling, that vunerability when you're about to cry. So I did in the bathroom. I let myself down. Why can't I just stick to one side?

I can't be bi, but I am. I am. Its my secret.
I feel sick. I feel dizzy. I want to throw up.
I'm so gross.

How am I going to tell my gf? She's bi too, she kind of told me this could happen. I didn't want it to be true.

Oh god. This is terrible! Bi people are looked down upon so much. I already came out to so many people.
But now that I know what I am, I feel calm and devistated at the same time.

I'm bi and its my dirty little secret.
Oh my god.
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Old 21st Dec 2011, 09:48 AM   #2
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Default Re: My secret (contains swearing)

I'm the OP:

Maybe labels don't fit me??!

Its not like I want to be with guys...they're just hot.

Girls, are just...everything.

Guys are eye candy and sex.

Ahhh! Kill me -_-
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Old 21st Dec 2011, 09:49 AM   #3
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Default Re: My secret (contains swearing)

I'm the OP:

Maybe labels don't fit me??!

Its not like I want to be with guys...they're just hot.

Girls, are just...everything.

Guys are eye candy and sex.

But maybe these feelings will go away once I experience sex with a girl?! I mean if girls can do better or equal to what guys do, guys will only serve as eye candy right???

Ahhh! Kill me.
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Old 21st Dec 2011, 09:58 AM   #4
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Default Re: My secret (contains swearing)

Hey there, can I ask what specifically your afriad of with regards to bisexuality? I'm certainly lucky to live in a very liberal, open-minded part of the world, so I havent had much to worry about with regards to discrimination (that, and Ive only started coming out).

Do you live in a part of the world thats very homophobic? One advantage of bisexuality (there are down sides too and all of course) is that its at least a tad easier to hide. Especially since you have a girlfriend now, you arent exactly going to be caught cruising for other guys (assuming your both monogamous).

Anywho, I'm sorry this is so hard for you right now. Can we hear more about why specifically this bothers you so we can give you a little more feedback?
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Old 21st Dec 2011, 09:59 AM   #5
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Default Re: My secret (contains swearing)

Hi there.

I myself identify as bisexual and I also share some of the worries that you have. It is true that there are a lot of ridiculous stereotypes and that bisexuals are looked down upon by some. I'd say to you that once the idea of being bisexual sinks in, then you can have a long think about what the next course of action is for you. You say that your girlfriend is also bisexual then I'm sure that she'll accept you can you can talk to her about how you feel. If you can't then that's okay. You can talk to anyone here on EC about your feelings and any problems that have.

I hope that I've helped a bit.
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Old 21st Dec 2011, 10:51 AM   #6
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Default Re: My secret (contains swearing)

Quote:
Originally Posted by jargon View Post
Hey there, can I ask what specifically your afriad of with regards to bisexuality?

Do you live in a part of the world thats very homophobic?

Anywho, I'm sorry this is so hard for you right now. Can we hear more about why specifically this bothers you so we can give you a little more feedback?

Thanks for the support.

I guess I'm afraid of being stereotyped like I know they are. Even when I considered myself a lesbian, I wasn't into bi girls until I met my gf. I always want a 'real lesbian'.
And I'm more interested (relationship wise and sexually) in girls, lesbians. I'm afraid they won't accept me because I'm a little bi.

And I don't want to be pulled in both directions.
I just want to go one way like a normal person!
I feel like I'm always stuck! And I haven't always thought the nicest things about bisexuals, especially girls. The way they are portrayed is sickening! Bisexuality is real, its not just for attention. But that's what it looks like for bisexual girls.

Sometimes I feel completely gay and sometimes I feel attractions towards guys. I've been trying to ignore it but its hard. I'm lieing to myself that way.
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Old 21st Dec 2011, 11:06 AM   #7
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Default Re: My secret (contains swearing)

Hmm I see where youre coming from a bit more now.

As far as being pulled in two directions, you dont necessarily have to worry about that from a pesonal perspective. There are some bi people out there who feel dissatisfied picking sides, but I think most of us are more or less content to stick with the one we love, regardless of gender. Im just now ending a 2.5 year relaionship with a girl. While I knew I liked guys before we started dating, I literally thought it was just a phase and I was straight until after things went downhill in the relationship because as long as I was with her I just didnt feel like checking out guys (or other girls most of the time, for that matter). So you could very easily be content in the long-run sticking with your girlfriend, or any other one person you liked.

As far as stereotyping, I cant say I know much about the stereotypes of bi girls in the lesbien world. At the least, I can say most gay people know what its like to be stereotyped. They're a tad less hesitant to shut you down based on some demographic act like that. Furthermore, your girlfriend is bi too! That right there is one less thing to worry about, not to mention proof that bi people can get a date

Hope this has helped a little bit. Transitioning to a new realization about yourself can always be rough. You say youve already come out to a lot of people once, so your at least a bit tougher than most for the experience

Good luck with all this. Me and the rest of EC are always here if you need us
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Old 21st Dec 2011, 11:15 AM   #8
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Default Re: My secret (contains swearing)

Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkClarity View Post
Hi there.

I myself identify as bisexual and I also share some of the worries that you have. It is true that there are a lot of ridiculous stereotypes and that bisexuals are looked down upon by some. I'd say to you that once the idea of being bisexual sinks in, then you can have a long think about what the next course of action is for you. You say that your girlfriend is also bisexual then I'm sure that she'll accept you can you can talk to her about how you feel. If you can't then that's okay. You can talk to anyone here on EC about your feelings and any problems that have.

I hope that I've helped a bit.
Thanks for the help, I'm glad there's someone else to relate to me.
I just hope that sick feeling stops, its so scary.
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Old 21st Dec 2011, 11:25 AM   #9
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Default Re: My secret (contains swearing)

I think my biggest fear too is that im one step closer to being straight.
And if that happens and I end up with a guy I'll feel like I'm lieing to myself.
I don't want that.
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Old 21st Dec 2011, 03:29 PM   #10
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Default Re: My secret (contains swearing)

I just wanted to say - so what, you're bisexual. - go get em
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Old 23rd Dec 2011, 06:05 PM   #11
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Default Re: My secret (contains swearing)

Hey! Everyone falls into a range from totally straight to totally gay. Most people fall into the middle. A sex researcher in the 50's and 60's made a scale of 1 to 6 with 1 being totally straight and 6 being totally gay. I'm about a 5. So if you're not absolutely on one end or the other, YOU'RE NORMAL! Most people are in the middle!!! Welcome to normality.

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Old 23rd Dec 2011, 09:01 PM   #12
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Default Re: My secret (contains swearing)

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Originally Posted by Tracker57 View Post
Hey! Everyone falls into a range from totally straight to totally gay. Most people fall into the middle. A sex researcher in the 50's and 60's made a scale of 1 to 6 with 1 being totally straight and 6 being totally gay. I'm about a 5. So if you're not absolutely on one end or the other, YOU'RE NORMAL! Most people are in the middle!!! Welcome to normality.

Tracker
Its just weird, sometimes I feel like I'm a 2 then sometimes (especially when I'm with my gf or see a cute girl) I feel like a 6.

Its so annoying!
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Old 23rd Dec 2011, 09:38 PM   #13
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Default Re: My secret (contains swearing)

This isn't necessarily true in your case, but in my experience people often hide from accepting their true sexual orientation by choosing a different, partly compatible one to identify with first. That is, gay people will sometimes identify as bisexual first, while bisexual people will sometimes identify as gay first.

Deep, deep down, they know it isn't really true--and that is the reason that it's easier for them to identify that way. (Gay people and bisexual people face different kinds of oppression in different degrees and from different sources, but one is not actually inherently worse than the other, of itself or in the way people respond to it.)

But sometimes, people are not ready at first to face what's really true.

The fact that you want desperately NOT to be bi, rather than trying to talk yourself into it as people often do during the bargaining stage ("maybe I'm just bi") to me means that you are probably bi.

The reason it's more upsetting to you than being a lesbian is simply that it is the truth.
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