Am I gay? Or bi? Or what? - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people coming out

Anonymous · 9th Jan 2012, 06:05 PM

So, I am a teenage guy, and I have thought myself to be gay for around a year, now, and have come out to my family and some friends as such. However, I have recently met this girl, and I think I have some feelings for her... and she definitely has some feelings for me. However, its really confusing because I still sorta see myself as gay. And its weird, because I definitely feel an emotional attraction, and I feel like Id want to cuddle, and kiss, and even make out. But Im still not very aroused by any sort of skin-to-skin stuff. Like, I dont want to do any sort of foreplay or sex or anything.

So basically, I am really confused with my sexuality right now. Like, am I gay, or bi, or what. And if we do end up going out, will it last? Or is all of this just some illusion, and I dont really like her? Anyway, I am really embarassed by the whole thing, and my emotions, and my sexuality. Help?

Anonymous · 9th Jan 2012, 06:16 PM

No need to be embarassed.. So you came out as gay - I would be honest with the fact you are confused and go with it.. If you really do feel an emotional connection and want to make out with her - just be sure to tell her that you are a little confused right now and are working out your sexuality. Put the ball in her court.

Anonymous · 9th Jan 2012, 06:40 PM

Yes, the fact that you're out as gay is actually a good thing in several ways. First, you know it won't be a shock to her if you say your primary interest is guys, so that's one less thing to worry about.

You said she has feelings for you. I'd say as long as she's aware that you're not sure if or to what degree you're interested in girls, and that you don't know how exactly you are interested in her, there's nothing wrong with getting involved a little and seeing how it feels.

jargon · 9th Jan 2012, 06:41 PM

^That was me... always forgetting to uncheck that box

Holmes · 11th Jan 2012, 02:47 PM

What I say in this is that if:
- you can imagine yourself having an emotional, romantic and sexual relationship only with someone of the same sex, you're probably gay
- you can imagine yourself having an emotional, romantic and sexual relationship only with someone of the opposite sex, you're probably straight
- you can imagine yourself having an emotional, romantic and sexual relationship with someone of the either sex, you're probably bi.

With blurry lines between these. And just because you're bi, it doesn't mean you can't think of yourself as gay.

Also, hormones go all over the place and tell us different things during our teenage years, it can be early twenties before they settle. Don't think about your place on the scale too much. Don't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.

**Chip** · 11th Jan 2012, 03:45 PM

I agree totally with Holmes.

The only thing I'll add is that as one is going through the process of coming out, one's unconscious and conscious mind will play all sorts of games, usually ones of rationalization: "Well, I really think this girl is nice / hot / friendly, so maybe I'm not gay"... which is usually an attempt to "bargain" with oneself. This frequently happens right at the point one is ready to take a major step, such as coming out to family or other high-stakes expressions of one's sexuality.

Sexual orientation is a spectrum, so there are guys that find attraction to mostly guys but a handful of girls, or mostly girls but a handful of guys, or having relatively equal preference for both. But for convenience and practicality, most people eventually identify with whichever label best fits them, even if it is not 100% accurate.

9th Jan 2012, 06:05 PM	#1
Anonymous Posting Anonymously Posts: 34,191 Join Date: Dec 2007	Am I gay? Or bi? Or what? So, I am a teenage guy, and I have thought myself to be gay for around a year, now, and have come out to my family and some friends as such. However, I have recently met this girl, and I think I have some feelings for her... and she definitely has some feelings for me. However, its really confusing because I still sorta see myself as gay. And its weird, because I definitely feel an emotional attraction, and I feel like Id want to cuddle, and kiss, and even make out. But Im still not very aroused by any sort of skin-to-skin stuff. Like, I dont want to do any sort of foreplay or sex or anything. So basically, I am really confused with my sexuality right now. Like, am I gay, or bi, or what. And if we do end up going out, will it last? Or is all of this just some illusion, and I dont really like her? Anyway, I am really embarassed by the whole thing, and my emotions, and my sexuality. Help?

9th Jan 2012, 06:16 PM	#2
Anonymous Posting Anonymously Posts: 34,191 Join Date: Dec 2007	Re: Am I gay? Or bi? Or what? No need to be embarassed.. So you came out as gay - I would be honest with the fact you are confused and go with it.. If you really do feel an emotional connection and want to make out with her - just be sure to tell her that you are a little confused right now and are working out your sexuality. Put the ball in her court.

9th Jan 2012, 06:40 PM	#3
Anonymous Posting Anonymously Posts: 34,191 Join Date: Dec 2007	Re: Am I gay? Or bi? Or what? Yes, the fact that you're out as gay is actually a good thing in several ways. First, you know it won't be a shock to her if you say your primary interest is guys, so that's one less thing to worry about. You said she has feelings for you. I'd say as long as she's aware that you're not sure if or to what degree you're interested in girls, and that you don't know how exactly you are interested in her, there's nothing wrong with getting involved a little and seeing how it feels.

9th Jan 2012, 06:41 PM	#4
jargon Well Known Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Bisexual Out Status: A few people Location: New England Age: 21 Posts: 167 Join Date: Nov 2011	Re: Am I gay? Or bi? Or what? ^That was me... always forgetting to uncheck that box

11th Jan 2012, 02:47 PM	#5
Holmes EC Addict Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out Location: Ireland Age: 25 Posts: 609 Join Date: Aug 2009	Re: Am I gay? Or bi? Or what? What I say in this is that if: - you can imagine yourself having an emotional, romantic and sexual relationship only with someone of the same sex, you're probably gay - you can imagine yourself having an emotional, romantic and sexual relationship only with someone of the opposite sex, you're probably straight - you can imagine yourself having an emotional, romantic and sexual relationship with someone of the either sex, you're probably bi. With blurry lines between these. And just because you're bi, it doesn't mean you can't think of yourself as gay. Also, hormones go all over the place and tell us different things during our teenage years, it can be early twenties before they settle. Don't think about your place on the scale too much. Don't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.

11th Jan 2012, 03:45 PM	#6
Chip EC Advisor EC Admin Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: northern CA Posts: 5,544 Join Date: May 2008	Re: Am I gay? Or bi? Or what? I agree totally with Holmes. The only thing I'll add is that as one is going through the process of coming out, one's unconscious and conscious mind will play all sorts of games, usually ones of rationalization: "Well, I really think this girl is nice / hot / friendly, so maybe I'm not gay"... which is usually an attempt to "bargain" with oneself. This frequently happens right at the point one is ready to take a major step, such as coming out to family or other high-stakes expressions of one's sexuality. Sexual orientation is a spectrum, so there are guys that find attraction to mostly guys but a handful of girls, or mostly girls but a handful of guys, or having relatively equal preference for both. But for convenience and practicality, most people eventually identify with whichever label best fits them, even if it is not 100% accurate.