Yes, another "is he gay" thread...

[Anonymous]

Okay, hate to do it but I really would like to hear some objective point of views as to whether a friend of mine sounds like someone who may be gay but in the closet.

The biggest thing is that to my knowledge, has never had a girlfriend. He's in his mid 20's, has a good job and is good looking and well kept. I think he may have gone on a few dates with women in the past few years but it sounds like none of them have gone past one date. He said that all those dates never went past one because the girl decided to cut if off with the exception of one date recently where the girl did want to see him again but he cut it off - gave me some really stupid excuse as to why he didn't want to see her again. I also find it interesting that the only reason I found any of this out was that I was with him and his parents once recently and they actually asked him how that sort of stuff was going. He never mentioned any of this to me during any of the dozens of times we've hung out recently. Granted, being in the closet myself, I never willingly bring up the topic of relationships so perhaps that's partially why but still seems odd. Then again, I'm sure some closeted gay guys really do go so far as to date women?

He occasionally will point out a hot girl but these instances few and far between - far less often compared to most of the typical guy talk I have with my straight guy friends - and when he does bring that type of comment up, it always feels kinda forced. Regardless, this one urks me a bit because me being gay (but still in the closet) I simply can't bring myself to initiate a comment about a girl. I can play along just fine when someone else does, but I just cannot initiate it. Is that a pretty firm sign that I am off base and he is straight or do some gay guys who may just be really deep in the closet feel such a need to keep up their facade that they wouldn't just play along but actually initiate such comments?

There are a few other small things (but they'd be difficult to explain. I know this isn't much to go off of but I'm mostly interested in hearing peoples' thoughts on his "dating situation" as well as the fact that he occasionally comments on girls. Is this normal behavior for some closeted guys?

Thanks in advance...

[ukeye]

"Is he gay" threads are the best lol!

There isn't enough information here to determine if he is gay/bi. I have friends similar to this and I've even crushed on one of them.. but as I've become more comfortable with myself and come out, I have concluded that it is wasted effort. Unless someone vocally tells you or infers they are gay or same sex interested, focusing on clues and such just causes too much confusion.

Maybe he is gay or maybe he is just slow on the take - He could be whisked away by a mail order bride when hes 35, only to come out at 45 when you are living in a different state/continent.. So you get what I'm saying - its best not to be attached - there is no definitive way of telling and by picking up cues/signs that is they are until he speaks up or acts otherwise.

[Ridiculous]

I think you are probably reading too much into it and straying into the realm of wishful thinking. He hasn't displayed any homosexual tendencies, and all you are going off is that when he is acting straight, he is just doing it to hide being gay.

In any case, even if he is gay, then you can't just assume that unless he tells you. So, ask him or somehow get him to tell you. A great way to do this is to come out to him yourself, giving him the perfect opportunity to open up about himself and be reassured that you won't react badly.

[Anonymous]

Appreciate the honest opinions. It's probably just wishful thinking on my part and absolutely agree that you never know unless someone says it. I've actually planned on coming out to him this weekend for a while now so it will be interesting to see his reaction. I'd never put anyone on the spot so if that doesn't draw him to open up, then time to just move on. Easier said than done I'm sure...

[Kidd]

You should always assume that someone is straight unless they publicly state otherwise, doing anything else is just asking for trouble. There really isn't enough information here for any of us to say definitively either way, but even if he was, so what? If he's closeted then he obviously needs time to come to terms with it, but I'm going to agree with Ridiculous. I think you're reading too much into it. Maybe he isn't gay, maybe he's just really shy and bashful around girls? Even very good looking and very successful people can struggle with self-worth and body-image issues. It could be anything.

[Uniboth]

No one should be ashamed of 'is he gay' or straight crushes threads! They're awesomely fun to read and probably one of the best (and most painful) learning experiences ONLY we go through.

On topic:

I don't think there's enough info here to make a conclusion. I'd say don't judge the dude's sexuality based on what people say, instead learn to be observant. Observe his characters...body language. I noticed that if you stay reasonable and read the body language properly, you will be able to tell who is and who isn't, at least, 70% of the time. Don't let wishful thinking get in the way though...

Oh and take it easy! These kinds of things can lead to very long periods of depression if tread lightly (Personal Experiences). Always carry a few grains of salt with you!

[Anonymous]

it could be a number of different things but to answer your questions:

1. yes, some closeted people do initiate convo about women. it is done because they may be bi and they also may be trying to feel you out to see what your response will be so they can see if you are gay and also this is done to try and throw you off the gay trail and confuse you if they think you're getting the notion they may be gay.

2. the only way you will klnow if he is gay is to ask him or tell him about yourself. if you ask without telling about yourself first, he will most like deny and say he is not gay and will distance himself from you. you really have to out yourself to him first before you can find out what his deal is, and then he still may lie and say he is straight and he could verywell be straight.

3. you have to be comfortable enough with yourself adn your friendship and your interest in this guy to make the decision if you want to come out to him first. just know that if you do this, the odds are he is straight or so deep in teh closet that he can't dig himself out right now so just know that upfront.

[Ianthe]

I just wanted to agree that the best course is to come out to him.

[Anonymous]

OP here - all solid advice. I started my coming out process recently and he was next on my list anyway so we'll see how it goes. Odds are his own sexuality won't even come up in the conversation because I'm not going to ask. So either he's in the closet and sees this as an opportunity to come out or he doesn't / is straight. I doubt it will be the former so probably just time to move on. Not easy but I think pushing the subject this way and not getting the desired response will make it a lot easier because then it will at least remove the hope that he may also be gay.

Thanks for all the replies!

[Anonymous]

let us know how this goes. this is a frequent thread so it's good to hear what actually happens and comes from these situations so that people can base whether they come out to their crush or not and how it goes.

[Anonymous]

OP here…

So I came out to him over the weekend. Was probably one of the hardest ones yet since there was so much hope and anticipation built up over the past few months+ for what his response would be. I won’t use the word unfortunately when describing the outcome because like any true friend, he was fully accepting and really happy for me that I had finally reached this point. How can anyone in my shoes be upset about that?

That said, while I didn’t ask him directly, I picked up plenty of tidbits of info over the course of the weekend to help further solidify in my mind that he is straight. Sounds like his dating attempts, though brief as I thought, were genuine nonetheless and he has increasingly been commenting on women (at least now I won’t be expected to respond). He’s a pretty shy guy and has a unique personality and set of interests that probably doesn’t mesh well with many girls so as someone previously suggested, that’s probably what got him to where he is now in the relationship department. I also didn’t get any sense that his reaction to me coming out was one of any discomfort/nervousness which I would be if someone came out to me and I was still in the closet myself.

While there are still some things that make me wonder, it’s time to accept that he either is straight or so deep in the closet and good at playing the part that it doesn’t matter anyway. Bottom line: he knows where I stand now so if a game was meant to be played, the ball is in his court. Best thing for me now is to try to put this crush to its grave keep moving forward.

[Anonymous]

it took a lot of guts to do that and hats off to you!

the positive is that you now know and also even though he is not into you or gay, you do not have to wonder anymore.

also, you will be more open to telling someone how you feel the next time a real opporunity presents itself.

finally, you learned a pretty good lesson: be friendly to all but focus your romantic interests in those you know are gay if you are seeking a relationship or interested in someone. this is hard because unlike straight people you cannot just see a hot guy and approach him. and let him know you are intersted. if he was a girl, you could do this and it would not be "odd", sure the girl may blow you off but you wouldn't have to worry about her fighting you or worse. when you know they are gay, you kinda skip all the questioning and start from a regular playing field.