I Think I'm Doomed

[Anonymous]

For me, my attraction to men is heavily mental.. I need someone to tick the box before I have any sexual attraction.. I've tried random hookups which ended in me embarassingly not being able to perform very well.. I need a stronger emotional/mental connection for things to work. Im in my mid twenties now and I guess I've had a lot happen in my life, some good, some bad.. Ive been told I'm quite switched on and wise for someone so young quite often. I just feel so lacking in the sexual/romantic side of things. I've never had a serious relationship.

I know I like guys, I've been out as gay for 2 years now.. I have acceptance from my family and friends.. but to find a partner is seemingly very hard. Clubs are generally focused on hooking up, I find internet dating annoying and a lot of work and disatisfying most of the time.. no responses, ppl just wanting sex etc. I want to meet guys face to face, but even that I can shy away from. I have had way too many straight crushes to ruin my faith there. In fact, I've pretty much given up searching at all lately.

My only hope is when I go back to uni in a few months and start socialising more that I might find someone. I am losing faith in myself and getting very depressed.. I find just surfing on EC I feel so out of place sometimes I wonder if I'm even gay.. I've never had any much interest in women at all in my life - From a young age its been guys for me - through highschool I would lust over the guys and masturbate over them. I would look at gay porn from about the age 16. I get on great with women and I feel like I can open up more with them, but I don't lust for them like I do men. I've only had one or two encounters with men that Ive found satisfying and exciting, the rest has been a let down.

I am really confused on this one, I feel like I've made so much progress in coming out hooked on this reality of 'friends first, build a relationship' strategy. Maybe I've been wasting my time? The majority of my gay friends follow the hookup way of life and when I'm asked by them whats been going on in mine I just shrug and can't really answer.. I feel like a failure.

[sometimesbetter]

Gay people aren't the only one's that follow the "hook-up" life. A lot of my straight friends do the same. It's so rare to find anyone at this age wanting something solid. I only have one friend that's in a committed relationship. I've also heard of some gay people that are also in committed relationships. Honestly, it's just a matter of patience and finding the right person. And, most of the time, the person just shows up, without you ever even looking for them. I'm assuming you're in your 20's (like I am). And I know plenty of people that are alone. Life is what it is. Honestly.

[predator9089]

Wow OP, you are me. I could have totally written that. Only thing different is i started looking at gay porn at a younger age

[Filip]

Well, if you like three-course meals in fine restaurants, then it only stands to reason a McDonalds isn't going to do it for you. And that doesn't make you a failure even if your friends eat fast food 7 days a week and are vocal about how they enjoy it.

Bad news just happens to be that a three-course meal takes a bit more effort to get than a burger. But that doesn't mean you should settle for less!


For what it's worth, I'm much the same. I only start crushing on people after a lot of interaction has passed already. And having been closeted until mid-twenties, that does mean I spend my time mostly in predominantly straight circles which makes bumping into gay guys who are interesting, not into quick hookups, and free rather a low probability.

But... failure is a state of mind. If you treat lack of relationships as a dirty secret, then it becomes a dirty secret. However, there's no reason it needs to be.
If my friends ask me "gotten laid yet?", I just respond "Nope! Still working on getting into position for the master stroke that will make all your love lifes seem dull and pale in comparison!" In fact, over tme it has become less of a question, and more of an in-joke for them to come up with ever new ways to ask, and me to find ever more interesting ways to say no
But that's the thing: in being open about it, and not apologising, it gets less and less of a shame and more an ordinary topic of conversation.
(if there's anything that bothers me sometimes, it's the fact that I am not bothered about it, if that even makes sense).

On top of that, I'm pretty clear about being open for suggestions. Some of my friends are better established in gay circles than I am, so they know they're welcome to set me up with a friend who seems like he could be my kind of guy. So far, that hasn't happened, but that doesn't mean it isn't good to know others are with me on this.

In any case, I'm not against people having hookups for fun, but I don't think you should have them to prove something to yourself or your friends. Because I can guarantee you there's nothing to prove in the first place!


Last, but very much not least... you're hardly doomed. In fact, I'd say you're in the perfect spot! Going back to uni almost guarantees contact with a wide amount of new people just by dint of studying together, some of which are going to be gay. If they have a GSA or GLBT club or the like, you might want to see if that's an option to see what kind of guys the local gay people are. And some would say that if you're not looking, that's the perfect time to find or be found by someone!

[Anonymous]

OP here - Thanks guys. Filip you always give nice positive long messages, its made me feel a lot better thanks..

Sometimes I just feel like I should give up, but then I have to remember that my sexuality is only a small part of me..

sometimesbetter: Yes, this is true - even a few of my straight friends are single and have their struggles, I try and remain positive, its just after coming out and identifying as 'gay' it puts me on the market and I wonder if I should be more proactive.

Filip - I am trying to look at things this way now.. I figure if I'm searching for something it won't miraculously appear, but I'll try to be positive about my situation and have hope things will work out for me.

I guess its about taking my time, not giving up and a bit of patience.
Once again, thanks