Heartache

[Anonymous]

I've been in love with one of my friends for...years. (Side note, she doesn't know I am a lesbian.) I was in her wedding as her bridesmaid. She kind of stopped talking to me after the wedding for like a year. I really don't know why other than she got busy with her new married life. It did hurt..a lot. I accepted that I would never have her romantically but it hurt my feelings tremendously that she didn't feel as though our friendship was important enough to keep in touch. I tried to text and all but she was always busy.

I still have feelings for her. We hung out a while back for the first time in more than a year. I stopped texting her or trying to hang out because it gets hard to talk to her. She told me last time we hung out that she is trying to have a baby with her husband. I just wrote the word boyfriend accidentally and had to rewrite husband because that is what he is. Ugh.

Today I saw her car at school and my heart nearly stopped beating. I felt sick. Idk what is wrong with me. She has hurt me over and over. She blew me off for guys alot and then after I was in her wedding she forgets me like I mean nothing.

I know I should "move on" and believe me, I have made efforts to do so. That is why I don't text her anymore or ask to hang out. I hang out with gay friends and I try to not think about her. It just hurts. I don't know how to make things easier.

I have a question and am needing some advice on this....Should I stop being her friend or stop trying to hang out with her completely? Right now I am doing it on a temporary basis but I do feel like sometimes I want to be friends with her again. She always made me so happy. I feel like a bad friend because I'm not trying to contact her but then again she isn't contacting me either?..?

Do you think I am being a bad friend or a bad person in general for how I am acting?

[Mercy]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

I've been in love with one of my friends for...years. (Side note, she doesn't know I am a lesbian.) I was in her wedding as her bridesmaid. She kind of stopped talking to me after the wedding for like a year. I really don't know why other than she got busy with her new married life. It did hurt..a lot. I accepted that I would never have her romantically but it hurt my feelings tremendously that she didn't feel as though our friendship was important enough to keep in touch. I tried to text and all but she was always busy.

I still have feelings for her. We hung out a while back for the first time in more than a year. I stopped texting her or trying to hang out because it gets hard to talk to her. She told me last time we hung out that she is trying to have a baby with her husband. I just wrote the word boyfriend accidentally and had to rewrite husband because that is what he is. Ugh.

Today I saw her car at school and my heart nearly stopped beating. I felt sick. Idk what is wrong with me. She has hurt me over and over. She blew me off for guys alot and then after I was in her wedding she forgets me like I mean nothing.

I know I should "move on" and believe me, I have made efforts to do so. That is why I don't text her anymore or ask to hang out. I hang out with gay friends and I try to not think about her. It just hurts. I don't know how to make things easier.

I have a question and am needing some advice on this....Should I stop being her friend or stop trying to hang out with her completely? Right now I am doing it on a temporary basis but I do feel like sometimes I want to be friends with her again. She always made me so happy. I feel like a bad friend because I'm not trying to contact her but then again she isn't contacting me either?..?

Do you think I am being a bad friend or a bad person in general for how I am acting?

No darlin we all have our moments and right now ur hurt
Tell her how u feel about things be honest maybe if u came out to her u just might even get closer on the friend ship end of things

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks I actually texted her today to tell her I saw her car and then she wrote me back which made things worse for some reason. I smiled and was all giddy when she wrote back...and that just isn't good when she is married.

I've never felt this way about anyone but I also don't want to lose a great friendship. I don't' want to be a bad friend.

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

OP here. Thanks I actually texted her today to tell her I saw her car and then she wrote me back which made things worse for some reason. I smiled and was all giddy when she wrote back...and that just isn't good when she is married.

I've never felt this way about anyone but I also don't want to lose a great friendship. I don't' want to be a bad friend.

awh ur not going to be a bad friend i promise hinesty heals all wounds

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

awh ur not going to be a bad friend i promise hinesty heals all wounds

OP again. I can't tell her I'm in love with her because I think things would just become really weird at that point. I might one day come out to her but it will still hurt to be around her. I'm not sure.....

I know that I can't tell her "I'm in love with you" though. Since she's married and I'm pretty sure mostly straight, I don't see anything coming out of it except maybe an awkward "Ok" or losing her as a friend completely.

I'm really afraid to tell her I'm gay because if she rejects my sexuality I wouldn't know how to handle it. If I tell her I'm gay I'm afraid she will piece together the past and figure out that I've been in love with her. Sorry if this is confusing.

[person54]

I don't think you've been confusing and I think your concerns about the situation are valid. I also think you've acted really responsibly in trying to handle your emotions and feelings with surrounding yourself with other friends When you lose contact with anybody you're close to it sucks. I don't think you need to feel guilty about being a bad friend because friendships always take both people contributing to the relationship. Sometimes one person gives way more to the friendship and at other times it might be reversed.

If you have feelings for her, that may be hard to change but if you do try to make more time to spend with her, do you see yourself being comfortable and happy with spending time with a close friend you're not out with? I think it would be worth it to think about that.

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by person54

I don't think you've been confusing and I think your concerns about the situation are valid. I also think you've acted really responsibly in trying to handle your emotions and feelings with surrounding yourself with other friends When you lose contact with anybody you're close to it sucks. I don't think you need to feel guilty about being a bad friend because friendships always take both people contributing to the relationship. Sometimes one person gives way more to the friendship and at other times it might be reversed.

If you have feelings for her, that may be hard to change but if you do try to make more time to spend with her, do you see yourself being comfortable and happy with spending time with a close friend you're not out with? I think it would be worth it to think about that.

This is the original poster. Thanks for your reply. I guess I'm not that bad of a friend, thanks for saying that. I think it's much more complicated with this friend (regarding whether I'm out or not) than with any other friend. Just because of the feelings I have had/have for her.

I don't know when I'll be ready to tell her about my sexuality but I know it will be hard. I am unsure of her reaction and I am also unsure if I want her to know yet.

It's hard to hang out with her now because she always talks about her husband and her future plans of having a baby. In my fantasy world, I would be married to her. I know that is not going to happen. But my heart rips open a lot when I'm with her. It's like the word baby is muttered and I just want to crawl under a rock and die.

I'm so angry that I have to love her. I want to be a friend that doesn't love her but it's like impossible. And even if I didn't love her, she still would always blow me off for her husband.

[person54]

It sounds like a tough situation. I hope you figure out how you want to handle it and can get through everything as easily as possible.

[Anonymous]

i had a similar situation. the best thing you can do is just move on. she doesn't even know you liked her. and she is straight and moving on with her life as it should be. she is married, new hubbie, new house, new baby, etc.

she counts you as a friend but you can't be as close as you may have been because life is different now. she is moving through the natural progression of life and her relationships with others are changing as they should. it would not be appropriate for you to hang and kick it like you may have done in the past because she is married and her focus and age and lifestyle is different now. of course you guys can still be friends, just not like before.

it sounds as though you have internalized her interest in men and now her husband as "dumping you for other guys" in the past. i do not think she was dumping you or pushing you to the curb for other guys, she just liked guys and wanted to date them and so that was her focus when she landed one. doesn't mean that she wasn't your friend, but you porbably wanted a closer friendship where all the attention was on you. just like it would have been if you all were dating. but she is straight so that would never happen.

it sounds to me like you should focus on available girls that you know are gay and moving on with your life and heart. sure it hurts, but all unrequioted love does.

the crush on the best friend was a fantasy and now you have to accept that dreamland is over. this is actually a good thing for you. because you deserve someone in your life that can love you and give you the attention in the way that you need and want and in a way that you know is it not plantonic. that will happen soon. but it will never happen if your heart is still locked up and pining over this married girl.

straight crushes are bad to have and they heart, trust me i know. but the sooner you move on and open yourself up to gay people that can be reality for you, then the better you will have the chance of finding the type of love you want.

hang in there. you're awesome.

p.s. as far as contacting her. based on what you have said i woudl not suggest you contact her or try and hang out. you need time to heal. she isn't contacting you anyway, so there's nothign you need to do. if she does contact you to hang out, just say you're busy as well or dont respond until you know you have been able to move on . do not be mean to her or nasty in tone. for instance, is she says, "hey do you wanna grab coffee", you shoudln't say "H#LL no B&*TCH". that would be a bit mean. just politely say, "i would love to but things are really busy on this end, let's connect soon. I'll reach out as soon as I come up for air. wishing you well " and then just do not contact her until you feel like you can cope.