Judgmental?

[Anonymous]

So I'm a 21 year old gay male at university. I'm usually like the least judgmental person ever but I feel like all the other gay guys on campus are totally different than me. My campus is very open and accepting, but it seems like all the gay guys on campus have more feminine mannerisms. I consider myself to be pretty balanced, I do some feminine things like shave my body for example but I enjoy watching/playing sports and hanging out with guys. I feel judgmental even categorizing activities like this.

I have developed a huge crush on this guy in my classes. He is very attractive and he is very nice and we have fun talking, but I find it hard to approach guys like this since I have nothing in common with them. I am trying not to judge him as feminine cause of his mannerisms but I generally feel more attracted to masculine guys. I find these guys are very closeted usually and more difficult to be open about my sexuality with (I am mostly out at university and won't lie if I'm asked). I have had dreams about him 3 nights in a row now.: icon_redf. I wanna ask him out and tell him how I feel about him but not sure if it is a good idea or if we are really compatible I am scared his mannerisms will be a turn off to me. Is this bad? Is it something I can get over spending more time with him and get use to? I feel bad but I really like him. I don't know what to do. Any guidance? Also do guys like that even consider guys like me who even though I'm out, it may not be as obvious?

[Anonymous]

I never thought I'd fall for a feminine guy, but I fell hard core for him.

[thedreamwatch]

1. How do you know that you have nothing in common with any of the guys at your school? You're taking them at face value and assuming that that's all they are. They could be interested in many of the same things you are interested in or think in a similar way to the way that you do...but you won't know that unless you look a little deeper. Whether or not someone has feminine mannerisms doesn't tell you everything you could possibly know about that person.

2. About this guy you wanna ask out...what is it that's drawing you in in the first place? If you really do have nothing in common and you think that he could possibly annoy you, then why do you want to ask him out anyway? Or I could be reading that all wrong...it's possible.
But honestly, the only way to find out if you're going to like him more or not is to get to know him better. Talk to him more. Find some common ground maybe. Then if you decide you wanna ask him out, just ask him.

[Sunsetting]

just ask him out for coffee, a game or a trip to the store... anything to get to know him. it's not about love for life in your current situation, it's about simply getting to know another person. and it sounds like you're a pretty decent dude and you may just be attractive to more people than you know.

[Filip]

Let me start for once with the tldr; version: Go for it!

Having a type is not a bad thing in and of itself. It gives you some idea where to look. It provides some good starts for fantasy. And "what's your type" makes for fun conversations among friends

But... reality does tend to trump fantasy. When faced with real people, it is my experience that "my type" changes to the guy I'm liking at the moment.
This might be mean towards my crushes former and current, but if you had given me a picture ahead of time and told me how we'd meet, I would have given you a profound blank stare. Maybe about 25% of them would have been "my type". The other 75% were not. But that doesn't matter. While getting to know them better and crushing on them, they (quite effortlessly) became "my type" and I couldn't even imagine how I could have ever thought them anything other than the finest specimens nature had to offer.

From your description, it seems that's what's happening to you too. I'd place my bets that if you do end up seeing a lot more of each other, his mannerisms will seem less "effeminate" and more "those cute peculiarities of how he acts". No doublethink on your part needed.
So I'd say that if you're already dreaming of him and really entertaining the thought of spending more time together, it's worth going for it! Find an activity to do together (movie, food, drinks, haning out...) and see if he's interested.


Last but not least... in my (admittedly limited and anecdotal) experience, non-closeted straight-acting guys are seen as a rare commodity on the dating market. So I really wouldn't worry about that

[Anonymous]

OP Here,

Thanks everyone, especially Filip. I spent some time thinking about it and you are totally right. I don't think I really have a "type" I fall for peoples personalities and then when I like someone things I wouldn't like on others become cute and adorable rather then something that would bug me.

Calmed me down a lot. I will talk to him more soon and maybe drop some subtle hints and see how he takes it before I ask him out. Thanks again everyone.

[Anonymous]

this is just from my own perspective.

i think if you have a crush on him and you have been dreaming about him when you know he is more feminine that means you must really like him already and his mannerisms haven't turned you off thus far because personally if i did not like feminine mannerisms on a man (which i do not), then i would not still have a crush on him and definitely would not be dreaming about him. so it sounds like you should go for it.

i have found that most of the feminine types really realliy realliy like the masculine not as obvioius types. most gay men like men because of the masculinity (perceived or real). so for the feminine types, usually it's like the mascuiline types that are undectable are like a gold mine. of course some fem still want other fems, but usually it seems they go crazy for more masculine ones.

ask him to hang out. you will never know if his femme traits irk you or if you still will like him afterall unless you ask himi and see. he may not even be single. he must be pretty hot so just go for it.

if you do go out and the femme nature bugs you, then it is not wrong for you to stop gong out with him. that's what dating is abouit. you go out with people to see what you like and dont like about them and if things can work. if they dont work or the person bugs you for wahtever reasons, just bounce.

[mnguy]

I agree with the comments that regardless of the mannerisms you see in this guy, you still like him and enjoy talking with him so go ahead and give it a shot. I think some of what we see as fem mannerisms are just people feeling free to be kinda goofy/funny and not care what others think of them and they could be fun to be around. If I was with a guy like that I could see myself letting loose a bit more and really having fun with him. So even if you two don't end up dating, maybe you can meet a bf through some of his friends. Maybe you'll share some interests and you can do those with him and you can still hang out with your other friends to watch sports. All of your friends don't have to be into the same things. Pretty much everyone likes to eat and watch movies so I bet you have those in common with him. Maybe he'll introduce you to some interest you thought you might like (art museum, theater, concerts) but never got into because none of your friends up to this point had any interest in them. Good luck and let us know what happens

[alex7song]

If you like him then tell him. I don't think you are exactly being judgemental, but his mannerisms aren't integral who he is.

[Anonymous]

Oe... Thanks everyone, Ill keep you all posted.

[Anonymous]

OP Update for all those who posted here.

So I finally got up the courage and asked him out today and he said yes! We are going for dinner this weekend. So excited.

[Anonymous]

^^^^^awesome

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

I never thought I'd fall for a feminine guy, but I fell hard core for him.

This is pretty much my favorite post ever on this forum.

Not sure exactly why, not I SQUEED over it hardcore.