My girlfriend and drugs :/ please help

[Anonymous]

I'll make this as short as I can. Right after my sister passed away (I'm pretty sure it had to do with her years of drug abuse) my girlfriend finally confessed to me she had been on cocaine (on top of her drinking problem I knew about). I told her she either had to get clean or I was gone because I just lost my sister to drugs and I wasn't going to sit by and watch someone else I love kill herself. She promised me she would get clean. She went through withdrawals and all that and as far as I could tell she was clean. Now it's 2 months later and she tells me she gets these horrible stomach pains, her whole body hurts, leg spasms and dizzyness and she sleeps a lot more. And on top of that she doesn't eat much and she looks sickly. Based on what I remember from when my sister was on cocaine it seems similar and I'm wondering if she's lying to me because she's afraid to lose me and just trying to hide that she's still on drugs.

[Hidinginalabama]

I only say this because I have had family memeber that were and still are addicted to drugs. You should be about to go to your local drugs store and get a home test. I would have her take the test so you can know for a fact what is going on. From what you have said I will not say my own opion on if she is on drugs just because there is a lot of factors that come in to effect when you are talking about drugs and how a person acts. If it was me I would go get a test for her to talk at home. So that you know for a fact. I am sorry that things have to go like this but it is how my father did it when on of my family memebers was using. I am hoping for the best for you and your girlfriend because I have seen first hand what drugs can do to a person and the people around them.

[Anonymous]

OP: I've actually considered asking her to take a test for me but how would I go about that without it starting a huge fight? I tried to ask her if she's still using earlier but it turned into a fight.

[Chip]

This is going to sound rude and harsh, but there's an old saying: Addicts only lie when their lips are moving.

And there's another thing to think about: Any addict that has a serious problem, which it sounds like your girlfriend does, generally cannot just stop cold turkey without help, even when faced with an ultimatum such as losing a partner. And given a choice between drugs and anything else, most addicts will choose drugs.

So here's something else that's very harsh, but very necessary to consider: Are you prepared to handle the emotional turmoil of living with an addict, even a recovering one? It's usually a thankless task, since relapse is common (as they say, relapse is part of recovery), and since addiction is not a disease that exists in a vacuum; it is almost always surrounded by other unhealthy beliefs, behaviors and coping strategies, and family-of-origin issues that, unless appropriately dealt with in therapy and self-work, strongly increase the likelihood of relapse and make it difficult to sustain a healthy relationship.

This isn't to say that addicts don't want and need good people around them if and when they decide they want to get clean. But most addicts will not get clean until something happens to make it worth their while. For many addicts, that's hitting bottom. For others, it may not be. But the bottom line is, it is rare that an addict will get clean because a loved one asked them to, even if it is an ultimatum. The addict only gets clean when the pain and inconvenience of the addiction is greater than the fear and inconvenience of being clean. And unless the partner, family member, or other person supporting the addict is very clear on how they can best support the addict (which requires a deep knowledge of codependency and how to avoid falling victim to it), they will in most cases unwittingly support the addiction, or even make it worse.

So this is something you need to seriously consider, particularly with regard to any issues you have of your own. You didn't sign up to be your girlfriend's addiction support network. So now you have to choose whether you want to be that, or take care of yourself and allow someone else to take on that role, possibly someone, like an AA sponsor, who is less personally invested and more objective.

My sense, particularly with having recently lost your sister, that you probably need to put your energy toward taking care of yourself first. It's unlikely you can do that, and be there at the level of support your girlfriend will need, at the same time.

On a practical level, as far as discussing drug testing with your girlfriend, I think you can simply say that you have been doing some research and you realize how difficult it can be to kick a drug habit, and that the testing will be a way to help support her in staying clean. If she knows she's going to be tested regularly, it will encourage her to stay clean and to be honest if she's had a problem. And tell her that also takes the strain off of the relationship in your having to wonder if she is struggling or not. If you reframe it as simply a way of supporting her sobriety, perhaps she'll have less problem with it. And if she objects vehemently to testing, you likely have your answer as to whether she's clean or not.

BTW, I do strongly suggest, regardless of anything else, that she start going to AA and get a sponsor. It's a lot easier to quit when you have a good support system around you.

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

I'll make this as short as I can. Right after my sister passed away (I'm pretty sure it had to do with her years of drug abuse) my girlfriend finally confessed to me she had been on cocaine (on top of her drinking problem I knew about). I told her she either had to get clean or I was gone because I just lost my sister to drugs and I wasn't going to sit by and watch someone else I love kill herself. She promised me she would get clean. She went through withdrawals and all that and as far as I could tell she was clean. Now it's 2 months later and she tells me she gets these horrible stomach pains, her whole body hurts, leg spasms and dizzyness and she sleeps a lot more. And on top of that she doesn't eat much and she looks sickly. Based on what I remember from when my sister was on cocaine it seems similar and I'm wondering if she's lying to me because she's afraid to lose me and just trying to hide that she's still on drugs.

i lost my dad the same way im so dam sorry ur not alone in this

[silverhalo]

I think you definitely need to ask her to get tested, if she actually has quit then surely she shouldn't really mind taking the test.

[Hidinginalabama]

Its not going to be easy and yes she will probably get in a fight with you for a little bit but you will at least know the truth. If she is using then you will know just by the fact that she wont take the test. If you say to her you just want to trust her but something are needed to be done no matter how much people trust each other.

[Anonymous]

sounds like she is still using and lying or she is in withdrawal either way, you are not a AA counselor or a trained rehab specialist. direct her to the appropriate resources and bounce. she can't be good for u or for your relationship when she is using. i would bounce.

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

sounds like she is still using and lying or she is in withdrawal either way, you are not a AA counselor or a trained rehab specialist. direct her to the appropriate resources and bounce. she can't be good for u or for your relationship when she is using. i would bounce.

OP: So you're saying I abandon the girl I love because she has a problem (and I don't know for a fact that she's still using)?

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

OP: So you're saying I abandon the girl I love because she has a problem (and I don't know for a fact that she's still using)?

its your life. do what you want. if you want to stay with her, stay with her. but obviously you think something is going on cuz you're watching her like a hawk. again, you have the choice to endure this or not. my suggestion was to release her so she can get some help. sounds like she needs professional help and you can't provide that. if she is using, then she can't be good for herself or u. im not saying dump her like a sack of potatoes but saying that dont let her drag you down.

[Chip]

I tend to agree. It takes a very special person to be able to support an addict without unintentionally further enabling the addict's behavior. Most people who are in a primary relationship with an addict are not best equipped to help them, simply because they are too close.

For those who manage to walk the line between being supportive but not enabling, it is an exercise in incredible frustration because the addict will nearly ALWAYS choose drugs over the relationship, and there are usually many broken promises, false starts, relapses, and the like.

As the last poster said, it's your life and your choice, and the majority of relationships where one person is an addict and the other is a non-user don't end up working out, simply because the addict chooses drugs over relationships in nearly all cases. All the OP and I are trying to do is point that out. What you choose to do with that information is, of course, your choice.