Can't Breathe

[Anonymous]

Okay -- I am not even brave enough to type this under my own account which I find pathetic and weak.

Something just happened, something profound and now I feel like I can't breathe. I have been telling myself for a while not that at the very least I am bisexual. I was just laying in bed with nothing on my mind in particular when it hit me. I've thought it before pondered it and questioned but then like a sense of knowing came over me.

I'm gay.

Immediately I couldn't breathe in the -- heart racing, short breathes kind of way. I had to jump out of bed and look in a mirror to get grounded and I felt more lost then I've ever been in my whole life. Normally when i feel like this, anxiety wise i go to my parents and for the first time I can't because they don't know.

I'm not a crier in the sense of I never cry and it's 330am and I cant stop crying and I really feel like i can't breathe. I have this unshakable feeling of disappointment, mourning and hopelessness. Is this how it is suppose to feel? I can't do this.

I think I need to find someone to talk to.

[Hidinginalabama]

That is how it was for me the night when I couldnt lie to myself anymore. This is something that is very hard to deal with but know in time you will make it. You are in a place where you can talk to people. Can if you feel the need I am here and will gladly talk to you.

[Chip]

Yes, what you're feeling is very common for someone who is just coming to terms with being gay. The difficulty breathing and other symptoms are a physical manifestation of the anxiety and fear you're feeling as the reality sets in for you, but it's something you can and will overcome. It may feel overwhelming but I promise you the feeling will pass.

Please feel free to message me or any of the advisor team and we will be happy to talk to you via PM or IM. If you need immediate help and can't reach one of the EC advisors, the Trevor Helpline (866-488-7386) is an excellent, free resource.

Please keep in touch and let us know how it's going.

[Filip]

It's absolutely normal. Coming out to yourself is a profoundly different way of looking at your life, and it can come with a bit of panic at first.

I remember quite well when it hit me I was gay. I was sitting in the train on the way home from work, and I was typing a draft letter to a friend of mine. And suddenly, I felt the urge to type: "Who am I kidding here? I'm never going to be straight. I'm gay!"

and at that, my heart seemed to desperately try to wrestle itself out of my chest and I was left blankly staring at that sentence for the rest of the ride. I almost forgot to get off at my destination. I didn't cry, but I was pretty close to throwing up.

But, and you'll have to take my word for it: it is the first step on the way to something better. Do feel free to cry, shout it out, write long rants... but after the dust settles, it's also going to be liberating. Your life will make suddenly more sense and you get a better handle on where you are and where you want to go. and taking charge like that is retty exhiliarating in the end! It takes some effort to mourn the passing of your idea of straightness, and that's normal, but don't see this as an end. It's a beginning!


In any case, we're here to talk to. Feel free to read and post around. And my PM box is open at all times. PMing is a bit slower than talking in real life, but it can already help a lot!

[Gerry]

What you're going through is what a lot of people go through when they come to terms with their sexuality. The first step is almost always the hardest and it most likely will get easier for you after this. I know it's hard to do, but just try to stay as calm as you can. If you need to talk, remember that's what we're here for. Feel free to PM any one of us at any time you need to do so.

[Hana Solo]

When I faced liking girls, I couldn't stop crying. I know how you feel. The good news is: it does get better. It isn't quite so earth shattering after a while. It just takes a while to get there.

[Anonymous]

Thank you everyone for the support.

I was able to force myself to sleep last night but I receieved them all this morning when I woke up and it definitely helped.

I think what happened last night was a realization of sorts. I've always known I had an attraction to men but. I didn't know to what extent.

I just always dreamed of a specific life and I realized it may not happen that way. I had always planned and there was an immediate and extreme moment of panic -- I felt really lost.

It was the first time I realized that maybe I wouldn't have a wife and children and live at home like I always dreamed and i became terrified.

Needless to say I couldn't sleep at all but I eventually exhausted myself I fell asleep.

I woke up with a sense of calmness, realiizing I won't be able to control it.

If I am gay, I am gay. If I am bi, I am bi. My confusion comes from the fact I have only loved a woman and up until last night could only IMAGINE loving a woman. But now I realize there is def a percentage of me -- may it be large or small that has the very real potential for loving a man.

So I have officially mourned the dream of what I imagine life to be -- and now I will just have to let it happem

[Filip]

Well, then let me be the first to tell you congratulations on coming out to yourself!

Also: dreams aren't affected too much by the gender of who you're with. Or rather, they don't need to be.

I always wanted to have a loving wife and kids and a quiet life, and I'm not giving up on most of that. Only need to exchange the wife in my fantasy for someone with a bit more stubble, a lower voice and an extra body part

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

Okay -- I am not even brave enough to type this under my own account which I find pathetic and weak.

Something just happened, something profound and now I feel like I can't breathe. I have been telling myself for a while not that at the very least I am bisexual. I was just laying in bed with nothing on my mind in particular when it hit me. I've thought it before pondered it and questioned but then like a sense of knowing came over me.

I'm gay.

Immediately I couldn't breathe in the -- heart racing, short breathes kind of way. I had to jump out of bed and look in a mirror to get grounded and I felt more lost then I've ever been in my whole life. Normally when i feel like this, anxiety wise i go to my parents and for the first time I can't because they don't know.

I'm not a crier in the sense of I never cry and it's 330am and I cant stop crying and I really feel like i can't breathe. I have this unshakable feeling of disappointment, mourning and hopelessness. Is this how it is suppose to feel? I can't do this.

I think I need to find someone to talk to.

I'm similar to you . I used to but now I start to accept myself and it really feels better. Now I know I'm bi.
And I still feel so awkward to tell anyone.

[Anonymous]

Yes, the same happened to me, probably 2 or 3 times. And it always happened in "critical" situations too.

The last one was this October. I couldn´t breath although I was outside home, in the backyard. I almost faint and all I wished was that I faint. Than I decided that I needed to look for help, for a friend to tell him, tell someone for the 1st that I´m gay. It was a 'critical night', may I say.

I think that´s 'normal' for some of us.

[Lexington]

>>>It was the first time I realized that maybe I wouldn't have a wife and children and live at home like I always dreamed and i became terrified.

As Filip pointed out, the dream doesn't have to die. It just gets altered a bit. The wife now has a penis. The rest can remain the same.

And that ties in with the more holistic advice. Your plans for your life don't go completely off the rails when you realize you're gay. Yeah, there are a couple more things you need to deal with, but that's the cool thing - you can deal with them. Seriously.

Lex