i need your support EClosets....

[Anonymous]

hi all,

i need your support on something. i have been trying to date. i'm not out so it's hard. unforutnatley the guys i have dated seem to want more physical stuff than getting to know me or really being friends first. that's not what i want. so time and time again, its really the same thing.

i have started to become more open to other "types" as well so that i do not close myself off. typically i go for one type of guy, but now i'm trying to mentally be more open.

i honestly and drained and tired of chasing guys. it really leads me no where, so i need your support in doing what everyone has told me to do before, "just relax and when you are not "TRYING" so hard, it will happen."

i'm not sure really how to do that, but i'm going to start by letting friendships and situations develoip on their own and me not trying to force things to happen,

also, if i see someone i am intersted in or want to be friends with, i will open the door but i am not goign to be a tiger on the hunt anymore. if they want to walk through the door, great, if not, so be it. i'm really tired of initiating stuff with guys and alsways being teh one that puts himself out there first to ask for a number, or if we can hang out. i feel like someone can do that for me for a change.

finally my goal is just to release this angst about finding someone. not sure how to do that really but just going to try to be more at ease with myself.

thanks for your support. i really need it. i was driving myself crazy and depressed.

[Sunsetting]

my first recommendation is totally on the same page as what you've said...good on you!!!! don't chase anyone. i find that if i maintain focus on something i love (activities, interests, museums, poetry, music etc), people come along side of me and then we can strike up a friendship. so it's not "trying", but it is taking a risk to allow people to get to know me. then i still maintain focus on the activity until we have a good friendship. if it turns into something then it does, if it doesn't then i've still gained a friend. it's too draining to another person if i'm looking to them to fill me and make me whole. so that's where activities have helped keep focus.

the way i started doing this is (inside) is to not listen to my emotions when they say, "go after him!!!!" "he's perfect". i've got to put that tiger down lol and let myself be a person with another person. it gets better results and i've met some great people along the way.

it's also tough when you're closeted. what i'm going to do in the upcoming weeks is go to a PFLAG meeting and just test the waters a little bit just in me being open with other people. no matter what, the risk of being open tends to give a person a boost of freedom which if you start to realize how great you really are, also turns to quiet confidence.

so (i assume this is a bro) good on ya! you are totally getting on the right track and i'm looking forward to hearing stories of how it goes

[Anonymous]

thansk dude! op here. that's awesome advice and so true. sometimes i have felt that "go after him urge" but it never really leads anywhere because the foundation is not really built on friendship its built on 'this person can be the one!!!" and when it crashes and burns, im left feeling bad. so i think meeting people that you are attracted to with the "this can be a friend" vibe is better. if it works out great if not great. also, being open to just meeting anyone where you're attracted or not is good. i'm open to that already but i must say i dont push to take things out of the friend realm with people i'm not attracted to but the funny thing is those are the people that always seem to call and text me the most. lol.

do you know why that is?

ps yes i am male.,

[Sunsetting]

you really do have a good head on your shoulders and are extremely clear minded. you're in great shape man.

and the texting lol, i totally feel you on that one. i think it's because you aren't looking for something from them. it does make people more attractive when you seem confidently comfortable with yourself. i've had a few situations when i'm not going out of the friend realm, but someone else is, and i have had to gently set a boundary and say something like, "i just wanted to let you know that i really appreciate being your friend and i'm not looking for anything romantic." it feels a little uncomfortable, but it keeps us in the relationship status that we're (meaning you and i) are looking for.

we also have to be careful, because sometimes we can lead people on because we like the attention (i'm talking underneath the surface at the gut level, i'm just being real now) and that's not fair to the other person. it's just a flip side to the other situation you mentioned, where i just want a guy to fill that emptiness. the best thing is to just rest and realize, bro, you are so wonderful, more so than you could have ever imagined and knowing that makes entering into any kind of relationship (friend or romance) really healthy.

i just saw this last night and it's fantastic...even if it's not you, stick with it, it's cool stuff
Love Yourself: Beautiful scene from Luc Besson's movie "Angel-A". [VIDEO]

[Anonymous]

thanks sunsetting. i think that if im being honest, i have entered into things like with a mindset of "oh wow this guy likes me, i can't believe he does". it stems from low self esteem issues. so i think that when i am able to get the "type of guy i like" to be into me, it makes my self esteem go up. but then after he only wants to use me or stops calling me, i feel like, "oh great, im worthless or i wasn't good enough". i do not let them use me. im not into random acts of hooking up.

i think i am a great guy and have a lot to offer. so it's weird i have pretty high self esteem actually. however, there are parts of me that have lower self esteem. i think i'm fairly attractive and people respond well to me in that way, but when i find someone that i think looks better than me, i feel like i am a troll compared to them and if they reject me, then it was because of my trollness. but at the same time, if someone that i think is less attractive than me or has less to offer than i do rejects me, i sacarstically laugh to myself like, "yea rite, he rejected me...how funny." and i am not bothered by it at all, i find it very amusing actually.

so i do not know if i have low or high self esteem or a mix. anyway, i am goign to work on being ok with me. i know when i really like someone i kinda try and hide the stuff that he may think is nerdy or dorky or lame becuase i do not want to turn him off. but that's a part of me and if they hate me because it, that's there issue and not mine.

[Sunsetting]

wow, dude, your honesty is gonna propel you forward as you deal with this stuff. it was also clear you have confidence in some areas, just by the way you expressed yourself.

i feel pretty much the same way as you on alot of levels, and bro, i ain't no troll. and frankly, i'm sure you're not either (though i do occassionally hide under bridges and people play with my hair lol).

seriously, i heard Lauryn Hill (the singer) say: "it's better to be the real me than the fake somebody else" quirks and dorkiness are part of what makes us lovable...and attractive to a person who wants to know the real us.

plus, we attract what we put out there, if we put out there a hot body (you know what i mean, like...i LOVE the way i look in this outfit, i want people to look at me tonight lol!), then we will attract all sorts of people who are interested in our physical self. if we put out there a good lookin guy, who is interested in an activity or cause, it shows the more of who we really are.

the operative word is really "looks". When you mentioned "i think looks better than me" and you shrink into trollness lol, i feel you bro. when i lift a "good looking" guy up because of his physical appearance and shrink myself because i feel less than him because of my looks, it makes me smaller than i really am. i can recognize that a guy is good looking and at the same time not diminish who i am because of it and simply appreciate that we are different and he and i both have good qualities.

a friend said something to me that i really appreciated; he said "look at no man according to the flesh". and wow, it hit me, i've been doing that and that's why ive been heartbroken. i really want more than that, because bro, i AM so much more than that. i love people, i appreciate art, sports, comedy, music and i'm fairly good at all of those too. so bro, keep it up, you are clearly ideal friend and relationship material and again are totally on the right path

[malachite]

I's day your doing exactly what you need to. like you said you're not "on the hunt" any more.

Give yourself a break. Do something nice for YOU.

[Anonymous]

hi malachite, what should i do for myself? what do you mean by that? op here.

[mnguy]

What I find most interesting and amazing is how you're not out, yet you're willing to ask for guys' numbers and ask them to hang out. That's great and seems like the way to have the most chances to meet a good guy, although being out would help too. I'm more just waiting for guys to approach me, but if we're all doing that, no one gets anywhere. I'm friendly to everyone so it pisses me off when the guys I'm into won't even look at me in passing even just to say hi so I assume they're straight or if gay, I guess they think they're too good for me. I like Sunsetting's approach of doing stuff you enjoy and thereby possibly meeting guys with similar interests and if enough guys approach him in those settings, that's great.

What I don't get about the "finding someone when we least expect it" theory is that maybe we don't notice the effort a guy is making to meet us and then he walks away thinking he's sick of trying to reach out to guys and never getting any response. Then I'll read a post how a guy just happens to sit by a guy in class and they talk a bit and quickly become great friends and next thing they know they're dating and life is grand. Some people are just lucky I guess and good for them. Anyway, interesting discussion and topic. Good luck OP and everyone else

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by mnguy

What I find most interesting and amazing is how you're not out, yet you're willing to ask for guys' numbers and ask them to hang out. That's great and seems like the way to have the most chances to meet a good guy, although being out would help too. I'm more just waiting for guys to approach me, but if we're all doing that, no one gets anywhere. I'm friendly to everyone so it pisses me off when the guys I'm into won't even look at me in passing even just to say hi so I assume they're straight or if gay, I guess they think they're too good for me. I like Sunsetting's approach of doing stuff you enjoy and thereby possibly meeting guys with similar interests and if enough guys approach him in those settings, that's great.

What I don't get about the "finding someone when we least expect it" theory is that maybe we don't notice the effort a guy is making to meet us and then he walks away thinking he's sick of trying to reach out to guys and never getting any response. Then I'll read a post how a guy just happens to sit by a guy in class and they talk a bit and quickly become great friends and next thing they know they're dating and life is grand. Some people are just lucky I guess and good for them. Anyway, interesting discussion and topic. Good luck OP and everyone else

op here, my gaydar is actually pretty good. there have been several times when a guy seems straight but i have later found out he was gay and something told me was gay from teh get go. i used to second guess myself and doubt myself, now i just accept it. but knowing that still doesn't make things ez. i have asked guys for their number when they are obviously interested in talking to me and it seems natural. they have given it too. its no big deal. im friendly so i come off friendly when i have done it. once a guy declined but i knew it was because he knew that i knew he was gay (at the straight bar from far a way he smiled at me and stared at me so when i approached him and struck up conversation he was definitely fine with it. when i asked for his number tho he declined but later continued to talk to me in teh club and outside of the club....) my point is, yes it was fun to do thiese tyings because i figured, shit someone has to make the move but things never ended anywhere. at a gay club, i have no problem usually going up to anyone i want to talk to. all they can do is say no and i figured i have embarrassed myself enought by standing in line and risking the chance that someone wil see me and tell others (small community) so if i see someone i want i go for it. but guys are like girls they want to play games. you have to show interest but you can't seem too interested because it makes you seem "thirsty" as they say. it's all bullshit to me. i personally think if you like someone let them knwo. i'm older so i do not have time for all the playing coy bullshit. and if someone is on that bullshit, then it's a waste of my time. im not sure where things will go for me now. i do not have access to the type of gays i would be interested in, so it looks like i will be alone and die alone too.