addicted to...cyber sex ?

[Anonymous]

I'm 15. Yea, go ahead. Judge me now. But listen, recently I've discovered the art of video chatting with people I don't know and doing various things with them. I use an alias & I obviously don't tell anyone where I live. This one guy I talk to he's like 23. I haven't done it with girls because I'm a bit afraid of it. I know its so messed up. At the time I didn't think anything of it but now I'm disgusted with myself. I need to stop this. I don't know how though and its not as easy as just not going on because somehow I always find myself going back.

[Sunsetting]

first, no judgment whatsoever. i found myself playing around a little too much too at one point. simple answer, i was fortunate to have a computer without a cam so i got rid of my cam and it really helped, in fact, it totally stopped even my tendencies towards it.

see bro, i want to be in a relationship, not just have someone who wants sex at my beckon call. if there's a way that you can have someone else disable it, it helps because then you don't know how to enable it.

but the long answer is about you and what is giving you the appetite for it. finding that out and dealing with that will put any behavior that you don't like at rest. but you're not alone man, so don't for a minute feel like you'd be judged.

[Anonymous]

man i know exactly what you mean, and i still have to admit i do it on occasion, even though I'm not really into it. What helped me realize that I don't need it, is that I'm more than that you know? It sounds cliche but it's true. You deserve more than just cyber sex, and don't forget it. You deserve happiness, a relationship, even a friendship, but not a cold sex show that leaves you feeling empty and ashamed. Just remember that there's more to you than what those guys could ever see through a web cam. You can do it

[Sunsetting]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

man i know exactly what you mean, and i still have to admit i do it on occasion, even though I'm not really into it. What helped me realize that I don't need it, is that I'm more than that you know? It sounds cliche but it's true. You deserve more than just cyber sex, and don't forget it. You deserve happiness, a relationship, even a friendship, but not a cold sex show that leaves you feeling empty and ashamed. Just remember that there's more to you than what those guys could ever see through a web cam. You can do it

Excellent. Man, I wish I had your words

[Chip]

I'll join the "no judgement" chorus here. You're already beating yourself up about this and what you need is support and help, not people telling you you're a bad person for owning up to a behavior you aren't happy with and asking for help.

It's funny you should bring this up now because, having talked to a number of teens and young adults, I was just thinking that it seems this sort of thing is becoming increasingly common, and I was thinking about either looking more deeply into the literature on the topic, or even doing a small study or survey to get an idea of how big an issue it really is.

From the people I've spoken to, in a way I suppose the rationalization is that it's a bit like watching porn, but making it interactive. But the problem is... that isn't really the case.

Sex (or more precisely in this case, orgasm and ejaculation) is probably one of the most complicated aspects of human behavior. Even something as simple as masturbating is a combination of physical stimulation, mental imagery and thought, unconscious thoughts/feelings, and emotions. And orgasm is such a strong sensation in part because it causes the release of endorphins, which create a strong natural high, similar in ways to some of the more hard street drugs. So there's a potential for problems to come up, particularly when you combine the potential for orgasm with the opportunity to interact with other people, being closeted, and all of the other feelings and mixed emotions.

To be clear, I'm not at all saying that having a couple of camming sessions is going to turn anyone into a sex addict, or that masturbating will turn someone into a masturbation addict, or watching a few porn videos will turn someone into a porn addict. All of these things can and do happen to some people, but that's a pretty small minority. But, particularly with webcamming, you're dealing with a complicated set of stimuli and emotions, and although there isn't a lot of data out there on this yet, from what I've been able to discern, webcamming may carry a higher risk of habituation and/or dependency.

So hopefully that paints a bit of a picture about why camming with someone can be addictive. It's combining a bunch of things, all of which provide pleasant stimulation, and a powerful release of endorphins and the resulting "high" from that.

So the next thing is what to do about it. The first question is how serious the problem is. I would infer, from what you've said, that it is getting to be a concern, in that you've said you want to stop, but continue to participate in the behavior. So it's good that you're reaching out now for help.

One of the first things you can consider as far as self-help is to start masturbating without using any stimulus at all (i.e, no camming, no watching porn videos, looking at pictures.) This may be hard at first, as you may have conditioned yourself to only be stimulated by interaction with others, and/or watching porn. But it's also not as hard as you think. You can close your eyes and create (or remember) imagery and fantasies and let those be your stimulation. That's actually a really healthy approach, not only for this, but also for preparing you for positive sexual experiences with partners. And expect that the first few times, it will be a challenge, because it's a very different form of stimulus than you are likely used to. But i think you may eventually find that it can be a very positive experience; many people actually find, once they've practiced this way, that it's much more pleasant and intense than using porn or even camming.

Another thing you can do is make a commitment to yourself that's short-term; this is the AA approach. You don't promise you'll never, ever do it again... you commit that each day, just for today, you will choose not to talk to anyone on webcam (probably wise to also limit interaction via IM as well for a while). And you renew that commitment each day.

If you find yourself tempted to turn on the webcam and find someone to talk to, get up from whatever you're doing, breathe slowly, count to 20. If you still find yourself with strong sexual urges, try masturbating -- as above, without porn or computer help.

If none of this is effective, you may need additional help to overcome the issue. The thing to know is, it's definitely a solvable problem, and you will get past it.

If you feel like it would help to talk individually, please feel free to PM me. I'll be happy to help you find more resources or other suggestions to get it under control.

[Anonymous]

Thanks guys<3 I've deleted my skype and have disabled my webcam so I can't do it again

-OP

[Jagwlg]

I've been there. I especially found myself doing it when I was lonely and depressed, which is probably even more dangerous. For me, I found pleasure in the fact that other people found me attractive, and I was more focused on being liked than what I was seeing from the other person. Kind of messed up... I know.

I guess I just realized that I wasn't getting what I wanted out of it, and I felt pretty disgusted with myself whenever I did it. I also decided I needed to focus on my real relationships, rather than escape to a world that is not real.

I know it's not easy, but maybe understanding your need to continually go back to it will help. At any rate, I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you figure out what you need to do!