My mom and a lonely house

[Anonymous]

I am just wondering if I'm overreacting/need some advice or support regarding my mom, loneliness, and my house. My mom is kind of depressed a lot. She has major clinical depression. She's had it for years due to abuse as a kid. I'm in college now and I'm still living with her. It doesn't bother me as much anymore because I'm an adult with college to worry about. Anyway I love my mom a lot. She is accepting of me and she loves me and my sister alot.

But I do feel lonely in this house. I keep myself distracted by getting on sites and stuff. It's quiet in here. She is always in her room. She is always in her bed reading books or just sleeping. She hardly ever comes out of her room. When she does, she goes to the kitchen and then back into her room. We talk sometimes. I used to always beg her to watch tv with me and she would be like "Maybe later, I'm tired now." or "Maybe later, I'm not in the mood." I eat dinner alone every night, have ever since I was a kid. We don't have a table. My sister has moved out already but even when she was here she'd always be gone so it was always me alone in the living room.

When we hang out, it's great. We laugh and everything. But I am always the one who initiates hanging out with my mom. I go into her room and sing her songs or try to have fun. I want her to listen to me talk or just have fun doing nothing.

It's to the point that I could pretty much do anything without her noticing (in the living room). It's been like that for years. I can safely watch porn in the living room on my computer with head phones on because that's how often she resurfaces into the rest of the house. I know this is gross but I have masturbated in the living room because there's no way anyone would ever catch me (I'm a girl so not as messy?). I do everything alone.

Is this normal for a mom? She has bought me a lot of stuff over my childhood/adulthood but she never wants to spend time with me. I have to beg her to watch shows with me. I just want attention sometimes. What should I do? Am I overreacting? I get sad because the house is so quiet. I'm like addicted to the internet because at least people on there will want to be around you.

[Anonymous]

Naww. you Sound like a great person!

I am in a similar situation.. living at home with my mum and about to start college.. Your mum sounds really depressed .. my mother also has depression, but she is more the opposite - she is more OCD, out and about the house cooking and cleaning all the time and can be quite social.. her strength is impressive sometimes hehe.

But they all come in different shapes and sizes and Mums are great! They deserve our love. I think what you are doing is great - she probably won't admit it, but the social time you have with her she would appreciate greatly. Just realise that her mental illness probably makes her feel very insular, it is not a reflection on you.

What you are doing now is absolutely fine, don't feel guilty about anything - You use the living room for your more personal activities, thats fine - its your house too. If you get caught it could be a bit embarassing though so just be aware (Im sure you are).. at least if you get caught, well its family right - blood is thicker than water.

The lonliness issue is I think what you are getting at? Well - you know, it depends on how you feel about the situation.. if you are living independently and alone with few hold backs, theres no reason not to continue how its going.. I'm sure its cheaper and more flexible than other options, right? Its good to be there for family and you know they mean a lot more than those out there who will use us or just want a temporary drop into our lives.. People say its lame to live with your mum I know, but who cares what anyone else thinks.. if its comfortable and good support, why NOT live with your mum? Especially if you have a busy life like it sounds like you do.

But on the other side of things you do need to live your life. Its about getting a balance between those two - maybe you'll move out some day when your life demands it (after college or a relationship) - but for now, I think your situation sounds fine - your mum isn't overly dependent on you, and your just doing your thing as you say . You may move out sooner or later, but theres no reason to live there and be there for your mum right now

Thanks for posting this anyway, because I was going to do a similar one! So its helped me too!

[Eleanor Rigby]

I am very sorry about your situation. It sounds to me that your mom is a great person but that she is so severely depressed that she is unable to live a normal life and enjoy the precious moments she could spend with you and your sister.
You mom probably needs some professional help : it is likely that she needs both therapy and medication to treat her depression. Does she have that kind of help ? Because if she doesn't, maybe you could encourage her to talk to a doctor and/or a psychologist.

Take care, Cécile

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by Eleanor Rigby

I am very sorry about your situation. It sounds to me that your mom is a great person but that she is so severely depressed that she is unable to live a normal life and enjoy the precious moments she could spend with you and your sister.
You mom probably needs some professional help : it is likely that she needs both therapy and medication to treat her depression. Does she have that kind of help ? Because if she doesn't, maybe you could encourage her to talk to a doctor and/or a psychologist.
Take care, Cécile

This is the OP. Eleanor, my mom has been taking psychiatric medication/going to therapists for about 10 to 15 years. Even with anti-depressants she still is kind of emotionally away from everyone else. She does go to our events but maybe I am demanding too much time of her? Idk.

Ever since I was little my mom has been living from chronic depression and such. She went into the mental hospital 3 times when I was 10. It's been difficult because I don't like seeing her depressed. A couple years ago she stopped taking her medicine so we had to rush her to the hospital after some adverse effects (she is back on medicines now).

It's possible that she needs to change medicines. I do think she could get a little happier but she will always be depressed, no matter what. She told me that one time: that she will always be depressed deep down. I read some diaries of hers (I know not that best thing) and read how she used to be suicidal and cut and all that. In the diaries it says she holds on for me and my sister. I feel good about that....but living with someone that is chronically depressed is hard. She is also a recovered alcoholic if that means anything.

Sometimes I do feel like I'm not doing everything right. Like I should be making her happy. Other times I become reclusive myself and don't want anyone to be around me. Really...it's just hard to feel like you can't make your parents happy. My dad (they are divorced though) has also been suicidal so it's hard.

My sister said something to me the other day that resonated. She said she is terrified of telling my mom something that will upset her because she's afraid my mom will commit suicide.. I feel the same way but both about my mom and dad. I'm not as afraid as my sis that my mom will commit suicide. It's like I'm worried to do something wrong because both of my parents are depressed and especially my mom who is my hero. And I am also just lonely like I said in the post. I'm sorry for rambling.

It's hard to live with someone with mental illnesses I guess. My mom has PTSD, major clinical depression, and multiple personality disorder.

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

Naww. you Sound like a great person!

I am in a similar situation.. living at home with my mum and about to start college.. Your mum sounds really depressed .. my mother also has depression, but she is more the opposite - she is more OCD, out and about the house cooking and cleaning all the time and can be quite social.. her strength is impressive sometimes hehe.

But they all come in different shapes and sizes and Mums are great! They deserve our love. I think what you are doing is great - she probably won't admit it, but the social time you have with her she would appreciate greatly. Just realise that her mental illness probably makes her feel very insular, it is not a reflection on you.

What you are doing now is absolutely fine, don't feel guilty about anything - You use the living room for your more personal activities, thats fine - its your house too. If you get caught it could be a bit embarassing though so just be aware (Im sure you are).. at least if you get caught, well its family right - blood is thicker than water.

The lonliness issue is I think what you are getting at? Well - you know, it depends on how you feel about the situation.. if you are living independently and alone with few hold backs, theres no reason not to continue how its going.. I'm sure its cheaper and more flexible than other options, right? Its good to be there for family and you know they mean a lot more than those out there who will use us or just want a temporary drop into our lives.. People say its lame to live with your mum I know, but who cares what anyone else thinks.. if its comfortable and good support, why NOT live with your mum? Especially if you have a busy life like it sounds like you do.

But on the other side of things you do need to live your life. Its about getting a balance between those two - maybe you'll move out some day when your life demands it (after college or a relationship) - but for now, I think your situation sounds fine - your mum isn't overly dependent on you, and your just doing your thing as you say . You may move out sooner or later, but theres no reason to live there and be there for your mum right now

Thanks for posting this anyway, because I was going to do a similar one! So its helped me too!

OP here. I'm sorry about your mom, It can be tough to have a mom with OCD or depression or something like that. Moms sometimes don't realize that their emotional problems rub off on us. Thanks for saying that I'm doing the right thing.

[Eleanor Rigby]

I am truly sorry about your situation I can't even imagine how difficult it must be for you and your sister. Unfortunately, there is nothing much anyone could do for your mom at this point. Please don't blame yourself for not "making her happy". That is incredibly sad, but that just something that is impossible. She has severe chronic depression and even with medication and therapy, she isn't doing very well. You can be nice, you can try to make her smile from time to time, you can try to make her life as comfortable as it possibly be, and I am sure you already do all this, but you can't prevent your mom from being depressed. That isn't more possible that it would be to prevent her from being diabetic if she had diabetes.
I think it is also very important for you to protect yourself and to live your own life. Living with someone who is depressed can be absolutely draining. You have a life of your own and I think it's important that you do things for yourself : hanging out with friends, going to the movies, to clubs, volunteering in an organization you like or whatever is fun for you. You're not responsible for your mother's health and with both parents having tendencies for depression, I think it is important that you take care of yourself to avoid developing the same tendencies. That implies being selfish sometimes and doing things for yourself.

Take care and good luck Cécile