confused...but maybe in a DIFFERENT kind of denial

[Anonymous]

OK so I'll try not to ramble on. I am 18, female and I know for sure that I am not straight. So I got that part figured out. But the thing is...I am really not sure where I am on the rest of the sexuality spectrum. And yes, I know labels are for soup cans and everything...but I'd like to have at least some idea of what to identify as. Because while it may not matter to me it matters to those around me.
I am just not sure where exactly I stand on men. I can tell if a guy is good-looking...I've even had a couple of celebrity crushes I guess...but the prospect of sleeping with them freaks me out. Put simply, I find that um...crucial part of the male anatomy freak me out (no offense male EC'ers) and I don't think I want it anywhere near me. Whereas, say, the prospect of sleeping with a girl turns me on. When I see an attractive girl I know I want to see her naked whereas I can note a guy is attractive underneath his clothes but I really am not thrilled about seeing them naked. But it seems like I can be attracted to men to a certain extent...I wouldn't even mind making out with them or anything but when it comes down to the actual act of sex I don't think I want it. I am not sure whether this is just some sort of immaturity...or maybe if I would think differently after a sexual encounter with a guy but right now...just...no. I once had a dream about a sexual encounter with a man and I woke up really nauseous and disgusted.
I have made out with guys before (while I thought I was straight) and while I didn't find it gross or anything it was a bit uncomfortable...the thing is most of that teenagers-at-a-party groping tends to be awkward so I'm not sure how much to take that into account. I've never kissed a girl (just recently out of denial and only partly out of the closet), so I can't really compare. What makes me wonder is that...well in class I sit between my female friend (whom I'm kinda attracted to) and a male friend from my class. And when her knee brushes mine I get sort of a jolt and everything...but when this guy gets close or presses up against me or whatever I don't feel nothing. I have a reaction to that as well...but a bit different.
So basically I know I want to sleep with women but I'm not so sure about men anymore. It's like at one point I think I was attracted to them but ever since I developed my first serious crush on a girl that just...melted away. what made me wonder was I saw a singer I had a bit of a crush on about two years ago on TV this morning...and I still find him handsome and charming and everything...but when it comes to my actual life I only fall for girls.
But what I'm also scared of is that I'm in a different kind of denial...some gay people say they used bisexuality as a stepping stone because it seems safer but I'm thinking quite the opposite...I don't WANT to be bisexual. I don't want to be somewhere in the middle because it's complicated to explain and most people will think I'm an attention seeker or confused or whatever...so I don't know whether I'm unconsciously shutting out the attraction to men...

[Ace17]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

OK so I'll try not to ramble on. I am 18, female and I know for sure that I am not straight. So I got that part figured out. But the thing is...I am really not sure where I am on the rest of the sexuality spectrum. And yes, I know labels are for soup cans and everything...but I'd like to have at least some idea of what to identify as. Because while it may not matter to me it matters to those around me.
I am just not sure where exactly I stand on men. I can tell if a guy is good-looking...I've even had a couple of celebrity crushes I guess...but the prospect of sleeping with them freaks me out. Put simply, I find that um...crucial part of the male anatomy freak me out (no offense male EC'ers) and I don't think I want it anywhere near me. Whereas, say, the prospect of sleeping with a girl turns me on. When I see an attractive girl I know I want to see her naked whereas I can note a guy is attractive underneath his clothes but I really am not thrilled about seeing them naked. But it seems like I can be attracted to men to a certain extent...I wouldn't even mind making out with them or anything but when it comes down to the actual act of sex I don't think I want it. I am not sure whether this is just some sort of immaturity...or maybe if I would think differently after a sexual encounter with a guy but right now...just...no. I once had a dream about a sexual encounter with a man and I woke up really nauseous and disgusted.
I have made out with guys before (while I thought I was straight) and while I didn't find it gross or anything it was a bit uncomfortable...the thing is most of that teenagers-at-a-party groping tends to be awkward so I'm not sure how much to take that into account. I've never kissed a girl (just recently out of denial and only partly out of the closet), so I can't really compare. What makes me wonder is that...well in class I sit between my female friend (whom I'm kinda attracted to) and a male friend from my class. And when her knee brushes mine I get sort of a jolt and everything...but when this guy gets close or presses up against me or whatever I don't feel nothing. I have a reaction to that as well...but a bit different.
So basically I know I want to sleep with women but I'm not so sure about men anymore. It's like at one point I think I was attracted to them but ever since I developed my first serious crush on a girl that just...melted away. what made me wonder was I saw a singer I had a bit of a crush on about two years ago on TV this morning...and I still find him handsome and charming and everything...but when it comes to my actual life I only fall for girls.
But what I'm also scared of is that I'm in a different kind of denial...some gay people say they used bisexuality as a stepping stone because it seems safer but I'm thinking quite the opposite...I don't WANT to be bisexual. I don't want to be somewhere in the middle because it's complicated to explain and most people will think I'm an attention seeker or confused or whatever...so I don't know whether I'm unconsciously shutting out the attraction to men...

I have been their before...just 2 years ago I finally came to terms with my sexuality....I could recognize that a man was "good looking" but I soon realized that did not mean I was attracted to them. I was attracted to a female friend, so I did some experimenting. (not sex, but other stuff.) Like you I did not want to be bisexual (not that their is a thing wrong with that) but after my first encounter with a woman, I knew I wasn't straight. But once I tried to be with a man in the same way, it didn't feel natural their was no physical/emotional connection. I am a lesbian, I realize this now. I am not sure how to help you out at all, but I will try to if you want. :P
No shame....If their was, I'd be anonymous as well.

[Anonymous]

OP here...thanks for replying even though this was ridiculously long-winded :P yeah I keep getting the feeling that while I like the guy thing in THEORY in practice it's kind of...meh...and also the strongest purely physical attraction I've ever felt was for a woman.
But then I see a guy and think "Oh looking good..." and the cycle of confusion and questioning begins again -.- and I really don't have any friends with an experience I can compare to...
I just don't want to identify as a lesbian and then realize I'm attracted to men as well.

[Ace17]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

OP here...thanks for replying even though this was ridiculously long-winded :P yeah I keep getting the feeling that while I like the guy thing in THEORY in practice it's kind of...meh...and also the strongest purely physical attraction I've ever felt was for a woman.
But then I see a guy and think "Oh looking good..." and the cycle of confusion and questioning begins again -.- and I really don't have any friends with an experience I can compare to...
I just don't want to identify as a lesbian and then realize I'm attracted to men as well.

Then why identify at all? I didn't identify as a lesbian until I was absolutly sure, why should you? (No shame in being confused, men have married believing they are straight but later divorced to be with a man. Just take your time to be sure.)

[LailaForbidden]

:O You completley summed up my feelings... wow. Especially about the bisexual part. I used to feel (and still do, frankly) terrified at the mere thought of being bisexual. I wasnt completley sure.. though i suspected that it was because all of the anti-bi prejeduce among the gay community.
So that (and wanting to barf when i saw a penis) completley confused me. I was wreck, still am... I'm still trying to accept myself.
but basically everything you described is what i went/am going through. Just know your not alone. And...Personally, i would peg you as lesbian (maybe about a 5 on the kinsey scale). But discovering your sexuality is a personal process and no one can decided that except for you. Good luck and if you need to talk just message me. :P

[LailaForbidden]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

But then I see a guy and think "Oh looking good..." and the cycle of confusion and questioning begins again -.- and I really don't have any friends with an experience I can compare to...
I just don't want to identify as a lesbian and then realize I'm attracted to men as well.

Just wanted to add - this pretty much describes an entire 5 month period of my life. :P for me it got a bit better, then worse, then better (with little moments of amazing) hah. still dont know where i'm going after this, but i promise it will get better.

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by LailaForbidden

:O You completley summed up my feelings... wow. Especially about the bisexual part. I used to feel (and still do, frankly) terrified at the mere thought of being bisexual. I wasnt completley sure.. though i suspected that it was because all of the anti-bi prejeduce among the gay community.
So that (and wanting to barf when i saw a penis) completley confused me. I was wreck, still am... I'm still trying to accept myself.
but basically everything you described is what i went/am going through. Just know your not alone. And...Personally, i would peg you as lesbian (maybe about a 5 on the kinsey scale). But discovering your sexuality is a personal process and no one can decided that except for you. Good luck and if you need to talk just message me. :P

Exactly! Yes the bi prejudice is horrible particularly with the whole "You're just confused" or "Make up your mind already." So irritating.
I used to be so convinced I was straight it is hard for me to believe I really wasn't attracted to guys at least at some point. Right now I feel sort of like I could meet a guy someday and be with him if he was really really special...so yeah I'd put myself around Kinsey 4-5. But yeah, I keep expecting someone to come along and magically resolve the mystery for me when really I should be figuring it out myself.