Positive spin on the straight crush

[Anonymous]

I recently posted an “is he gay” thread about a crush I had developed on a close friend that I always thought may be gay. For anyone interested, I’d like to reflect on the whole situation from start to finish now. While most of what I feel right now is relatively negative and I’m sure it’ll show, I have managed to actually find a very big positive to come out of all of this.

First, some background. I’ve always thought this guy may be gay and in the closet like myself. This is likely what allowed a run of the mill attraction to slowly over the course of several years turn into an outright crush of the highest order; to the likes of which I have never experienced in my life. Looking back, I still can’t believe I allowed myself to fall for someone I didn’t know for sure was gay. Regardless of how convincing the evidence was, I didn’t know for sure…and looking back, it was really a toss up at best. Of course, I could be wrong in assuming this is what allowed for the crush to develop. Perhaps I may have fallen for him anyway even if it was obvious he was straight. No way to say for sure; what I do know is that it probably didn’t help. I can also say that I’ve had and still do have a lot of (actually mostly) male friends in my life and this has never happened with any of the others. The few that I have had an attraction to over the years, those feelings simply came and went without ever developing into anything like this. In all of those cases, I never felt the need to really question their sexuality; they were all straight and I knew it from the start. Take from that what you want.

I used to think that perhaps if I finally came out to him, he would reciprocate and validate my feelings. Of course, that’s not how it played out. While he handled it terrifically, very supportive as any true friend should be, I got absolutely no vibe that he was in the same boat. If anything, that plus a few others things that happened recently continue to tilt the meter in the straight direction. Stupidly I still have some hope that maybe he just needs time to digest it all. However, the ball is in his court now. If anything is to come of this, it better happen sooner rather than later because while I don’t WANT to starting move on, I know that I NEED to.

It’s going to be difficult though. A lot of people on this site suggest separation. Just not going to happen in this case – nor would I want it to. This guy is a close friend of mine and we are both part of a larger circle of friends that go back some ways. As tough as it may be, we will still be talking and seeing plenty of each other going forward. What worries me is this: In trying to draw similarities to a more common and well understood situation, the closest analogy I could come up with was a straight guy deciding to date a long time friend who is a girl. After a while, at least one finds that it just isn’t going to work out but wants to remain friends. We all know how that usually turns out…

So here I am now, still hopelessly infatuated with my friend. I’ve done everything I can aside from coming clean with him about my feelings (something I have absolutely no plans to do). By coming out to him, I put his feelings and sexuality to the test like I had never done before as well as putting myself out there in a way I had never done before. The ball finally got firmly placed in his court and that’s where it appears to be staying.

So I said at the beginning that there was a positive spin on all of this and here it is: I can say almost for sure that had it not been for this crush, not necessarily the person, but the crush itself, I would still be in the closet right now. The first time I ever thought about coming out was when I realized how much I had fallen for this guy. I remember saying to myself, if there was ever anything worth coming out for, it was him. That one thought then spiraled into a whole slew of additional reasoning for finally coming out, which I eventually did. To my family first and I’m now working through telling my close friends. I think one of the things that kept me tucked safely away in my closet for so many years was not knowing whether I had the ability to feel this way about someone else, let alone another guy. While it kills me to know that these feelings will in all likelihood never be returned by this particular person, looking back on all of this I’ve had quite the epiphany. I now know for the first time in my life that I do have the ability to develop deep feelings for someone else; the type that make you want to spend every minute with them. While I’ve definitely taken gigantic strides to breaking out of my social shell more and more over the years, I’ve always considering myself somewhat of a hermit at heart so this is a huge revelation. Pretty soon I will have told everyone that I feel needs to hear it from me and at that point, I am not going to let anything stop me from moving forward and hopefully recreating this type of feeling for someone who will return it. This crush has brought me a lot of pain and angst in recent years and it may take a long time for me to get over it. It may also take a long time for me to find someone else. Ultimately though, I have to recognize and appreciate the fact that I am definitely in a better place now than before because of it.

[Anonymous]

i believe you will get over it, there will reach a stage where you just get bored or tired of it being one sided in my opinion, i was in a similar situation too, but i did not reside in anyone, not because i was fearful, i was already out to 2 of my good friends, i just kept it on the inside because it would have ruined my clean slate (also known to destroy people who have a one sided crush) and having been infatuated would have ment torment by these to friends.

if you cant separate from him, try focusing more on other things, and stop thinking of him in the boyfriend kind of way.

from Aaron

[KaraBulut]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

It’s going to be difficult though. A lot of people on this site suggest separation. Just not going to happen in this case – nor would I want it to. This guy is a close friend of mine and we are both part of a larger circle of friends that go back some ways.

Just to add a bit more detail to what is a common recommendation.

It's not unusual to be attracted to friends or to have very confusing feelings toward close friends.

The decision about whether to put distance between you and a friend really has to do more with how you are handling those feelings.

There are some members who have commented that being around the other person is painful and that their crush is such that they have an obsessive attraction to the other person. And often, seeing the other person with the opposite sex or in a relationship with someone else is difficult. Also, sometimes when you have these crushes on friends, you miss out on opportunities to meet gay guys and date. If that is the case, sometimes it is better to put some distance between you and the other person until you're able to get your feelings under control or until you're able to get to a point where it is less painful to be around each other.

On the other hand, if you have these feelings but can set them aside and be friends without all the complications that come with a crush, then it's fine to continue to hang out together.

Your friend deserves a lot of credit for being mature enough to handle the situation. And
you'll find that if you do set aside some time to make some new gay friends and date, your crush on your straight friend will become less of an issue.

[PerfectInsanity]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

So I said at the beginning that there was a positive spin on all of this and here it is: I can say almost for sure that had it not been for this crush, not necessarily the person, but the crush itself, I would still be in the closet right now. The first time I ever thought about coming out was when I realized how much I had fallen for this guy. I remember saying to myself, if there was ever anything worth coming out for, it was him. That one thought then spiraled into a whole slew of additional reasoning for finally coming out, which I eventually did. To my family first and I’m now working through telling my close friends. I think one of the things that kept me tucked safely away in my closet for so many years was not knowing whether I had the ability to feel this way about someone else, let alone another guy. While it kills me to know that these feelings will in all likelihood never be returned by this particular person, looking back on all of this I’ve had quite the epiphany. I now know for the first time in my life that I do have the ability to develop deep feelings for someone else; the type that make you want to spend every minute with them. While I’ve definitely taken gigantic strides to breaking out of my social shell more and more over the years, I’ve always considering myself somewhat of a hermit at heart so this is a huge revelation. Pretty soon I will have told everyone that I feel needs to hear it from me and at that point, I am not going to let anything stop me from moving forward and hopefully recreating this type of feeling for someone who will return it. This crush has brought me a lot of pain and angst in recent years and it may take a long time for me to get over it. It may also take a long time for me to find someone else. Ultimately though, I have to recognize and appreciate the fact that I am definitely in a better place now than before because of it.

Thanks for posting this!

I have also been dealing with getting over a crush, which I've had on a friend for a year now. Over the winter being a couple states away visiting relatives did help to put some distance between me and this guy (I'm not even sure "friend" would be the right word since we're not necessarily close). Coming back home though the thoughts about him returned somewhat, but I've come to accept that likely nothing will ever happen between me and him (despite my strong suspicions, along with those of my friends, that he is probably bisexual). He has a steady relationship with a girl and if he goes down the route of marrying her, popping out a few kids, and then maybe dealing with feelings for men somewhere down the line, IT'S NOT MY FUCKING PROBLEM, IT'S HIS! I've been starting to use this logic and just general things that I don't have in common/dislike about him as a way of distancing myself more. I've decided it's best if I don't see him around and am going to have to coordinate get-togethers with mutual friends just so I don't have to be around him and have my crush feelings reignited.

At one point in my thought process recently though, I actually wished that I had never met the guy. But reading your post gave me the epiphany that developing this crush actually was one of the main catalysts for getting me to finally come out this past summer. The loneliness and isolation of the closet had been driving me insane and I had thought I was never ever going to find someone that I cared about in a deep way. But, this crush and the one I had immediately prior to him showed me that I am capable of having feelings of love, even if it was unrequited love in these particular cases. Thanks again for posting your story OP!

[Anonymous]

@ OP - you're right!

The crush taught me a lot about life, it definitely was not the person. I found acceptance because of it. Although, it really did caught me by surprise. It's been a hard road but it's been a great learning experience...

@ Kara, you're right too!

I've had the experience and I've tried all the cures.

I don't know how great a friend my friend really is but I can tell he isn't letting me go. I've tried total separation multiple times but he always found someways to contact me. But here's what I've learned, separation has positive results.

I've managed to dodge my friend for nearly a year...and slowly, I'm starting to see reality. We still contact on a somewhat regular basis but it isn't excessive.

I really do believe that some things you just can't control. Life needs to be lived with patience and a few grains of salt. I take it easy and always remind myself that it's important to keep reality in check...and to never let is bounce

OP, all the best to you! I do hope you know that nothing hurts forever!

[grimAuxiliatrix]

I have a crush on a girl who may or may not (not sure yet) be straight. She mostly visit the area I live in in the summer, can't wait to found out if she swings my way or not. Plus, her crush made me realize I'm a gay girl so I see your point mister OP.