Marriage

[Anonymous]

So, I've always wanted to get married, have this big beautiful dress and wedding and reception. In case you haven't figured it out, I'm a female. I also live in a state where there is no same sex marriage.

I have wondered what would happen if I stayed in the closet. Married a gay man, and like, me and my partner and him and his partner lived either in the same house or next door to one another. Fake it when parents are over. I would still get my wedding. Family would be happy.

So, anyone else ever thought this? Or am I odd?

[Anonymous]

Just because there is no gay marriage doesn't mean you can't have all the stuff that goes along with weddings. I've known a few people who went to the courthouse and got their legal certification but then went and had their magical weddings in front of all their family and friends.

[Robert]

Good luck finding 3 other people who are progressed enough in their lives and sexuality to want to get married but who still want to keep it a secret.

As has already been said, you dont need the consent of the state -or anyone else for that matter- to get married. The state only controls the legal aspects of what you have come to recognise as 'marriage' but it does not control the love or ceremony.

[Filip]

Thought about it? Rather extensively in fact. It was one of my favourite scenarios for bargaining with myself before I came out.

However, I came to the conclusion that it was, in the end, just that: bargaining. Trying to reconcile being gay with my drive to still conform to society.
I guess theoretically it works, giving you all the benefits with no drawbacks.
But practically, I'm still guessing the drawbacks would become evident pretty soon.

Such as, but not limited to:
- Finding not only one partner, but three people to live with.
- Faking even when parents are not over. You'd have to fake your family pictures and holiday pictures, make regular appearances as couples apart to keep up the charade, maybe even fake it to the kids if you really want to conform (kindergartners are hardly known for keeping their mouths shut about secrets).
- Lord help you if one of the secret gay couples breaks up. Then you're left with one couple and a third wheel. And I don't think the third wheel would stick around eternally. It'd be a nightmare to fake all that comes with that. If it's a particularily messy breakup, you'd even run the risk of being outed in the crossfire.
- You'd be around the object of your affection all (or much of) the time, but constantly looking over your shoulder, paranoid that someone would notice. Want to give a quick hug? a quick kiss? Something that other couples can do spontaneously? Can't do that unless you're inside. Such a thing weighs on a relationship. Looking over EC, this is a common thread in closet relationships, and something that isn't just easy to overcome. Being a couple means acting as one, and you're handicapping yourself by taking away that possibility.

It might be a fun fantasy, and bargaining about the conditions of your own gayness is something everyone does. But in the end, it is impossible in reality. Coming out, finding a group of people that you're accepted and loved in for who you are (and not because you're the perfect extra in the movie of their lives), and being able to show your love for the woman you love are worth more IMO. Even if it means your big lesbian wedding is not (yet) recognised by the law.

[Lexington]

Filip laid it out bare for you. In order to avoid one rather frightening step (and possibly not getting that church wedding you want), you're looking at involving three other people, and perhaps children, in an extensively complex web of deception.

But you know what? That beautiful wedding, with the wedding dress? You can still have it. It may not be in your home state, if it ends up your state isn't accepting gay marriage at that time. But you can have it one of the states that does.

Lex

[Anonymous]

consider all the energy that would take to keep up this lifetime of lies. in a fantasy world that woudl be fine, but in reality it would drain you.

my advice is you can still have the wedding and family you want, but the reality is, it is not going to be traditional and that will create some hardships with some family members and possibly yourself for a while, but if you want a true life on your terms, then that's what you have to do, if you want to donate your own life so others and be happy, then you will do that as well.

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

consider all the energy that would take to keep up this lifetime of lies. in a fantasy world that woudl be fine, but in reality it would drain you.

my advice is you can still have the wedding and family you want, but the reality is, it is not going to be traditional and that will create some hardships with some family members and possibly yourself for a while, but if you want a true life on your terms, then that's what you have to do, if you want to donate your own life so others and be happy, then you will do that as well.

everyone gets one chance to live, one life on earth. why donate yours to someone else and allow them to get two lives and you get zero?