Confused about gender and orientation

[Anonymous]

(I apologize beforehand if this post turns out to be long, or if my words seem confusing, as I'm not good at putting my thoughts into words.)

I've always identified myself as a gay male. But lately I'm not so sure of either my gender or my sexual orientation. The only thing I'm sure of is that I'm homo-romantic.

Ok, first of all my gender. Lately I've been wanting to be a woman. It's not like I hate being a man, it's just that it seems that given my situation, it'd be easier if I were a woman. I don't feel as a woman, but I sometimes wish I were one. What confuses me about this is that I'm not sure if this means I'm trans. I mean, to be trans, do I have to want to be female, or do I have to feel female inside? Also, from most trans people I've heard that they knew they were trans since a very early age, but these thoughts have only come lately (I'm in my late teens). What I've been thinking is that maybe I just want to be female because then I wouldn't be gay, I would be straight, and I don't know if I have accepted myself fully. I mean, on the conscious level I don't have a problem with being gay, but sometimes I feel like my subconscious doesn't want me to be gay. Another thing I've thought is that maybe I do feel female inside, but my mind suppresses that because it would be extremely difficult dealing with being trans in my case. (What I mean by wanting to be a woman isn't wanting to become female, but rather wishing I was born female.) I repeat in my head "I'm female." But that didn't feel right. I've even tried telling myself I'm genderless but that doesn't feel right either. Saying "I'm male" felt sort of right, though.

Now onto my orientation. I've never felt physical attraction to women. Only for men. But when it comes to what specifically turns me on in a man when I'm watching porn, it's basically just making out, groping (normally with clothes on, usually just underwear), and non-sexual nudity. Anal, oral, and mutual masturbation don't really appeal to me. Although it usually takes watching some of these to get off. I don't know if this is because I've never been with a man or dated one before, and these things will appeal to me when I do, or they still won't. I don't know if this makes me asexual, since what appeals to me in a man isn't exactly that sexual. Or is it normal for a gay guy to not like what constitutes most of gay sex?

I know I shouldn't try to put labels on myself, and I don't even like labels, but these things keep bugging me so I thought I would at least post so that maybe someone can help me or tell me what they think.

[Sunsetting]

i'm not an expert on #1, but i'm sure others will chime in on that. i don't think you have to label yourself though. i think you have a slight case of analysis paralysis and can chill a little. i think you're probably young and a really good guy. remember, things that are worthwhile in life take time, so let yourself take time and enjoy your life. sexuality is only a part of you.

#2, i actually totally appreciate the warmer, non-totally kinky sex porn. i find shirtless and underwear far more alluring and i love to see two guys who really seem to care about each other caressing and getting each other aroused and not uncovered....because, honestly, that's what i want...tenderness...and the sex isn't the #1 priority for me, though it may be for others. i think you're in an ok place with this. different folks different strokes man... so yeah, no labels or stereotypes, you seem perfectly normal to me

[J Snow]

Well, I'm not gonna say much about #2, but I do know there are a number of gay men that just aren't that into anal sex. In fact, while I enjoy it myself, I kind of get grossed out by fingering and rim jobs >.< I'm just really not attracted to asses, my attitude is just to use it because its the best option I've got lol. As for why oral and mutual masturbation would be unappealing to you, I don't have much to say on that. Perhaps gay sex bothers you because you want to be a woman, and picture yourself as that, and in gay porn both participants are men.

Now, going completely out of order, let's talk about your first question. I can relate to a lot of what you said, though admittedly I started questioning if I could be transsexual when I was like 12. While I've accepted that I don't think I'm cisgender (A person whom is not transgender), I'm still trying to decipher what my own specific identity might be. I'm not quite certain if I really am transsexual, or if I may be bigender or something like that. What I do know is you should not just ignore those feelings. I went to my university's Student Counseling Center to set up appointments to talk about these feelings and its been pretty helpful.

I can totally relate to your feelings you described of wanting to be a woman, but not feeling like one on the inside. I think there's these misconceptions that everyone who decides to transition into the other gender feels like that they ALL have always known, despise their bodies, and feel 100% they are an x trapped in a y body. Well, from my experiences with the transgender community, the only consistency is that there is no consistency.

I'm certain these described feelings are authentic for many, many transsexual individuals. However, there are lots of inconsistencies. People who always knew, and people who realized in their middle ages. People who hate their genitals, and people who decide its not worth the surgery after hormones, or even prefer them the way they are. Most of all, I think there is a lot more doubt to it then a lot of people think. I don't really feel like I'm a woman, and I really don't "hate" my body. Yet I feel depressed on a somewhat regular basis because I'm not a woman. They are still real feelings, and they can still interfere with life.

I don't know how well you can relate to my personal experiences, but I hope they are helpful. I admittedly am still working on figuring it all out. If you ever want someone to talk to, you can talk to me. Best of luck, hun =]

[electrolicious]

1. What does "female" even feel like? What does "male" feel like? When I was questioning if I was trans, I would wonder that myself. The thing is, gender isn't a mood. You can feel feminine or masculine, but feeling female or male isn't the same. Females can be/feel masculine, just as males can be/feel feminine. So even if you are trans, that doesn't mean your personality has to change, and if you currently like sports and video games right now, you won't have to switch to shopping and watching soaps. Just like cisgender people, trans people can be masculine, feminine, androgynous, etc., but some people think that we need to be gender stereotypical, which is just not true.

2. Not all trans people knew from a young age. I first started questioning when I was sixteen or seventeen. Before that, I was a pretty androgynous kid, and may have shown specific "signs" if I analyse it, but really, I never once thought "I'm a boy." I can say "oh, well I played football with the guys" and stuff, but that's just stereotypes, and plenty of cisgender girls did the same as kids. While that junk might convince the outdated, gatekeeper therapists that I'm trans, I don't think much of it. It's just a detrimental myth that too many believe, and some trans people feel they need to lie about it, to be taken seriously.

3. Saying "I'm female" or "I'm genderless" might feel uncomfortable, because you aren't. But it might also just feel uncomfortable, because you're not used to it. I'm not sure about your age, but let's say you're 18 for this example. You've been called "he" and "him" for 18 years. Suddenly switching pronouns is going to be weird. Hell, learning to call myself the correct pronouns in my own head took a while, so saying it out loud, and even more so, saying it to other people, will be difficult.

If you're questioning, the best advice I can give you is to experiment. Think of a girl's name you'd like to go by, if you don't already have a name picked. Go online and introduce yourself as a girl, preferably with a new account so that no one knows you. If you can pass and it's safe enough, go to the store presenting as a woman. See how it feels to be called female pronouns, etc. Don't give up after a week or something, because it's a lengthy process. Like I said, if you've been called a male name/pronouns for the last 18 years, it takes a while to adjust to something different (think of someone who just got married, but keeps forgetting to write her new last name; it's completely normal). You may benefit from talking to a therapist, especially someone who is trans friendly.

About your orientation question, I'll let someone with more knowledge answer that.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Some things that I forgot to add:

Me wishing I were born female is more along the lines of or "I wish I were richer" or something like that. It's not something that makes me feel incomplete if I don't have, it's just that it would make my life easier. I don't hate my body (at least not for being male) and I haven't had depression from this. Also, when I dream that I'm with a man, I'm also a man, although I'm another man, not myself, if that makes any sense. What confuses me is that I don't know if I'm in denial about this or if I'm just over-analyzing.

I'm gonna try the female name thing and going online as a woman. I don't think I would pass as a woman though, as I don't have any feminine features.