met this guy at the gym - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people coming out

Anonymous · 18th Jan 2012, 09:19 AM

hello, i met a guy and it really sparked something in my that i wanted to ask you guys about. you know how you see someone and you are instantly attracted to them. it's not because they look like a supermodel but to you they are just really really attractive. well that happened and i have seen him before at this place i met him but i did not speak. well this time he said hello to me randomly in passing (it wasn't like a "hello i want to get to know you, just hello common courtesty). anyway, long story short i struck up conversation with him and although it seemed a bit forced, i gave it a shot but that was it.

my question is, i had this strong interest in getting to know him and i found him very attractive and someone that i would be interested in. the feeling was very clear in my mind. i am coming to terms with accepting my same sex attractiion and lately, it has really always ended nowhere with guys (i'm a guy) so i thought maybe i should just settle for someone i wasn't really into or just give up completely and maybe start dating women again.

however, i know i do not have this instant attraction feeling with women. i will see an attractive woman and i will think she is attractive and i may think she would be a great person for me to be with but that "spark of excitement" hasn't been there. i'm not sure if it ever has. but with this guy and others in the past, i have felt this spark, this nervous feeling, this "i really hope he may like me" feeling. I'm not sure if that is due to some self esteem issues i have with acceptance from other men or if i just really like these certain men that much.

anyway, my question is, when i felt that spark it made me confident and sure that whomever i am with, i want to feel that spark with them. i have been lonely and honestly was just going to settle for someone that liked me and hoped that i could eventually like them but after feelign that spark of excitement and curiousity again with this guy, i was reminded how i want to feel when dating someone. i do not want to feel like i'm uninterested in teh person i'm with or just hoping that i may eventually feel a connection with them no matter how nice they are. i'm lookign for that combination package.

is that unrealistic?

**Lexington** · 18th Jan 2012, 09:26 AM

I think you're being realistic in recognizing that it isn't easy to find. But that doesn't mean you can't hope to have both.

That spark you have? I'm going to go ahead and say it - that's the gay in you.

That's you connecting (in a one-way fashion) to somebody you see, and wanting to forge a deeper bond. And it's a wonderful (if scary) exciting feeling. So enjoy it, and keep doing what you're doing - see if you can forge that deeper bond. And oftentimes, it'll be a dead end. Which sucks, but it's always worth the effort to give it a go.

Lex

Sunsetting · 18th Jan 2012, 09:50 AM

i just wanted to hit on the spark thing. i don't go by sparks, i have them, and understand them, but they can be fleeting. i can have a spark for a guy and then get to know him and realize that he's not the image that i built him up to be in my mind 'wow, he's all i ever wanted'. and, similarly, i can not have a spark for a woman and realize that she is actually quite wonderful and extremely dynamic. i'm not saying that you aren't necessarily attracted to guys, i just think that 'sparks' can be misleading. you sound like you're looking for something more enduring, so though a spark might be an indication, like a spark plug in a car, it only gets things started and there's a lot more in the engine that keeps it going. a spark is second to knowing that you're really terrific yourself and then really getting to know a person. you sound really genuine and are seeking something genuine and because of that, you'll likely find what you're looking for.

Anonymous · 18th Jan 2012, 09:52 AM

thanks Lex. op in the house....i remember a while ago when i first felt that feeling and i acted on it and tried to spark up a conversation. it felt awesome. not because i expected anything to happen but i was acknowledging to myself that i liked the person on the other end. before i would just deny it internally or just try and make it go away or say 'ok but even so he is straight and woudl never be gay like you, you are a mistake, you are the only one that's like this, everyone else is normal!!!" i would tell myself these things when i saw someone i liked so it was a way to cut the feelings off immediatley. but when i first allowed myself to let those feelings live, breathe, and surface, it was amazing. i think that is when i had to accept to myself that i was into guys. not all guys of course, but the ones i were into, i really was.

i am not hoping that anything goes anywhere with this recent person. ok, i lied...hahaha, i guess i was kinda hoping but from the response to my small talk from him i dont think he is either gay or willing to "go there" if he is gay. so i was a little defeated but picked myself right back up. i feel like, someone has to make the move, someone has to talk, someone has to say hi, someone has to create a basis for normal interaction. if not, there's all these back and forth stares and lewd looks and wondering "is he /isnt he". i'm too old for all that and its too much energy expelled. so i did my part, if i see him again, i'lll say hi but wont force things.

no matter what happens with anyone, after talking to many guys in teh closet online and people that i have met, i know there are more people than one thinks that are interested in guys but eitehr too afraid to go there or too afraid to get into a fight or too afraid of all the stuff that coems with it so they are doing the same thing i used to do, thinking to myself....'wow, that guy is cute" and never acting on it and acting like you never were thinking that in your head.

Anonymous · 18th Jan 2012, 10:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sunsetting

i just wanted to hit on the spark thing. i don't go by sparks, i have them, and understand them, but they can be fleeting. i can have a spark for a guy and then get to know him and realize that he's not the image that i built him up to be in my mind 'wow, he's all i ever wanted'. and, similarly, i can not have a spark for a woman and realize that she is actually quite wonderful and extremely dynamic. i'm not saying that you aren't necessarily attracted to guys, i just think that 'sparks' can be misleading. you sound like you're looking for something more enduring, so though a spark might be an indication, like a spark plug in a car, it only gets things started and there's a lot more in the engine that keeps it going. a spark is second to knowing that you're really terrific yourself and then really getting to know a person. you sound really genuine and are seeking something genuine and because of that, you'll likely find what you're looking for.

wow thanks guy! i also realize that initial sparks can be fleeting and a lot of times are based on physical chemistry. i also understand that physical interest is great but that doesn't mean a person is really "all that and a bag of chips" after you get a chance to meet them and spend time with them. for me, i have rarely allowed physical attraction to make me continue relationships with people that weren't really a good match for me. sure the temptation has been there but i knew it would not work out. but i guess for me, im open to everyone but i also realize that i want to be attracted to teh guy i end up with. i want to feel like "wow, he is great on the inside and outside". what is attractive to me varies and it ranges from drop dead gorgeous types, to average types with great smiles and sense of style, and some cases slightly overweight types that i just thought had an awesome face and great personality. it depends, but whatever it is, i have to have some spark because if not, they are going to be in the friend zone or my attention will always be drawn elsewhere.i think it's important for me to really be excited about the person im with.

Anonymous · 18th Jan 2012, 10:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anonymous

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sunsetting

i just wanted to hit on the spark thing. i don't go by sparks, i have them, and understand them, but they can be fleeting. i can have a spark for a guy and then get to know him and realize that he's not the image that i built him up to be in my mind 'wow, he's all i ever wanted'. and, similarly, i can not have a spark for a woman and realize that she is actually quite wonderful and extremely dynamic. i'm not saying that you aren't necessarily attracted to guys, i just think that 'sparks' can be misleading. you sound like you're looking for something more enduring, so though a spark might be an indication, like a spark plug in a car, it only gets things started and there's a lot more in the engine that keeps it going. a spark is second to knowing that you're really terrific yourself and then really getting to know a person. you sound really genuine and are seeking something genuine and because of that, you'll likely find what you're looking for.

wow thanks guy! i also realize that initial sparks can be fleeting and a lot of times are based on physical chemistry. i also understand that physical interest is great but that doesn't mean a person is really "all that and a bag of chips" after you get a chance to meet them and spend time with them. for me, i have rarely allowed physical attraction to make me continue relationships with people that weren't really a good match for me. sure the temptation has been there but i knew it would not work out. but i guess for me, im open to everyone but i also realize that i want to be attracted to teh guy i end up with. i want to feel like "wow, he is great on the inside and outside". what is attractive to me varies and it ranges from drop dead gorgeous types, to average types with great smiles and sense of style, and some cases slightly overweight types that i just thought had an awesome face and great personality. it depends, but whatever it is, i have to have some spark because if not, they are going to be in the friend zone or my attention will always be drawn elsewhere.i think it's important for me to really be excited about the person im with.

i hope you are right..i hope i do find someone

thanks for the positive vibes

Sunsetting · 18th Jan 2012, 07:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anonymous

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anonymous

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sunsetting

i just wanted to hit on the spark thing. i don't go by sparks, i have them, and understand them, but they can be fleeting. i can have a spark for a guy and then get to know him and realize that he's not the image that i built him up to be in my mind 'wow, he's all i ever wanted'. and, similarly, i can not have a spark for a woman and realize that she is actually quite wonderful and extremely dynamic. i'm not saying that you aren't necessarily attracted to guys, i just think that 'sparks' can be misleading. you sound like you're looking for something more enduring, so though a spark might be an indication, like a spark plug in a car, it only gets things started and there's a lot more in the engine that keeps it going. a spark is second to knowing that you're really terrific yourself and then really getting to know a person. you sound really genuine and are seeking something genuine and because of that, you'll likely find what you're looking for.

wow thanks guy! i also realize that initial sparks can be fleeting and a lot of times are based on physical chemistry. i also understand that physical interest is great but that doesn't mean a person is really "all that and a bag of chips" after you get a chance to meet them and spend time with them. for me, i have rarely allowed physical attraction to make me continue relationships with people that weren't really a good match for me. sure the temptation has been there but i knew it would not work out. but i guess for me, im open to everyone but i also realize that i want to be attracted to teh guy i end up with. i want to feel like "wow, he is great on the inside and outside". what is attractive to me varies and it ranges from drop dead gorgeous types, to average types with great smiles and sense of style, and some cases slightly overweight types that i just thought had an awesome face and great personality. it depends, but whatever it is, i have to have some spark because if not, they are going to be in the friend zone or my attention will always be drawn elsewhere.i think it's important for me to really be excited about the person im with.

i hope you are right..i hope i do find someone

thanks for the positive vibes

they're your vibes and they're all good man

JohnnyBoy · 18th Jan 2012, 07:30 PM

Met my boyfriend this way...we had a summer class together last year and first day of class he walked in and I was instantly attracted and wanted to get to know him. It wasn't entirely sexual, he just looked like an amazing guy.
A week later I went for it and asked him to get coffee...almost 9 months later and we're still together.

Doctor Faustus · 18th Jan 2012, 07:33 PM

@JohnnyBoy: Aw, that's amazing!

To the OP: I'd echo what everyone else has said really. You seem to be doing the right things. Don't rush into it: the first thing is to really get to know them better on a friend level before you start going any further.

It's always worth a shot. Good luck!

Sunsetting · 18th Jan 2012, 07:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JohnnyBoy

Met my boyfriend this way...we had a summer class together last year and first day of class he walked in and I was instantly attracted and wanted to get to know him. It wasn't entirely sexual, he just looked like an amazing guy.
A week later I went for it and asked him to get coffee...almost 9 months later and we're still together.

i love this story skydiving man!!!

18th Jan 2012, 09:19 AM	#1
Anonymous Posting Anonymously Posts: 34,191 Join Date: Dec 2007	met this guy at the gym hello, i met a guy and it really sparked something in my that i wanted to ask you guys about. you know how you see someone and you are instantly attracted to them. it's not because they look like a supermodel but to you they are just really really attractive. well that happened and i have seen him before at this place i met him but i did not speak. well this time he said hello to me randomly in passing (it wasn't like a "hello i want to get to know you, just hello common courtesty). anyway, long story short i struck up conversation with him and although it seemed a bit forced, i gave it a shot but that was it. my question is, i had this strong interest in getting to know him and i found him very attractive and someone that i would be interested in. the feeling was very clear in my mind. i am coming to terms with accepting my same sex attractiion and lately, it has really always ended nowhere with guys (i'm a guy) so i thought maybe i should just settle for someone i wasn't really into or just give up completely and maybe start dating women again. however, i know i do not have this instant attraction feeling with women. i will see an attractive woman and i will think she is attractive and i may think she would be a great person for me to be with but that "spark of excitement" hasn't been there. i'm not sure if it ever has. but with this guy and others in the past, i have felt this spark, this nervous feeling, this "i really hope he may like me" feeling. I'm not sure if that is due to some self esteem issues i have with acceptance from other men or if i just really like these certain men that much. anyway, my question is, when i felt that spark it made me confident and sure that whomever i am with, i want to feel that spark with them. i have been lonely and honestly was just going to settle for someone that liked me and hoped that i could eventually like them but after feelign that spark of excitement and curiousity again with this guy, i was reminded how i want to feel when dating someone. i do not want to feel like i'm uninterested in teh person i'm with or just hoping that i may eventually feel a connection with them no matter how nice they are. i'm lookign for that combination package. is that unrealistic?

18th Jan 2012, 09:26 AM	#2
Lexington The gay gargoyle EC Advisor Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Colorado Age: 42 Posts: 12,360 Join Date: Dec 2007	Re: met this guy at the gym I think you're being realistic in recognizing that it isn't easy to find. But that doesn't mean you can't hope to have both. That spark you have? I'm going to go ahead and say it - that's the gay in you. That's you connecting (in a one-way fashion) to somebody you see, and wanting to forge a deeper bond. And it's a wonderful (if scary) exciting feeling. So enjoy it, and keep doing what you're doing - see if you can forge that deeper bond. And oftentimes, it'll be a dead end. Which sucks, but it's always worth the effort to give it a go. Lex

18th Jan 2012, 09:50 AM	#3
Sunsetting Banned Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: bi, straight, gay Out Status: to some family and friends Location: New York Age: 42 Posts: 950 Join Date: Dec 2011	Re: met this guy at the gym i just wanted to hit on the spark thing. i don't go by sparks, i have them, and understand them, but they can be fleeting. i can have a spark for a guy and then get to know him and realize that he's not the image that i built him up to be in my mind 'wow, he's all i ever wanted'. and, similarly, i can not have a spark for a woman and realize that she is actually quite wonderful and extremely dynamic. i'm not saying that you aren't necessarily attracted to guys, i just think that 'sparks' can be misleading. you sound like you're looking for something more enduring, so though a spark might be an indication, like a spark plug in a car, it only gets things started and there's a lot more in the engine that keeps it going. a spark is second to knowing that you're really terrific yourself and then really getting to know a person. you sound really genuine and are seeking something genuine and because of that, you'll likely find what you're looking for.

18th Jan 2012, 09:52 AM	#4
Anonymous Posting Anonymously Posts: 34,191 Join Date: Dec 2007	Re: met this guy at the gym thanks Lex. op in the house....i remember a while ago when i first felt that feeling and i acted on it and tried to spark up a conversation. it felt awesome. not because i expected anything to happen but i was acknowledging to myself that i liked the person on the other end. before i would just deny it internally or just try and make it go away or say 'ok but even so he is straight and woudl never be gay like you, you are a mistake, you are the only one that's like this, everyone else is normal!!!" i would tell myself these things when i saw someone i liked so it was a way to cut the feelings off immediatley. but when i first allowed myself to let those feelings live, breathe, and surface, it was amazing. i think that is when i had to accept to myself that i was into guys. not all guys of course, but the ones i were into, i really was. i am not hoping that anything goes anywhere with this recent person. ok, i lied...hahaha, i guess i was kinda hoping but from the response to my small talk from him i dont think he is either gay or willing to "go there" if he is gay. so i was a little defeated but picked myself right back up. i feel like, someone has to make the move, someone has to talk, someone has to say hi, someone has to create a basis for normal interaction. if not, there's all these back and forth stares and lewd looks and wondering "is he /isnt he". i'm too old for all that and its too much energy expelled. so i did my part, if i see him again, i'lll say hi but wont force things. no matter what happens with anyone, after talking to many guys in teh closet online and people that i have met, i know there are more people than one thinks that are interested in guys but eitehr too afraid to go there or too afraid to get into a fight or too afraid of all the stuff that coems with it so they are doing the same thing i used to do, thinking to myself....'wow, that guy is cute" and never acting on it and acting like you never were thinking that in your head.

18th Jan 2012, 07:30 PM	#8
JohnnyBoy I like tuhtles Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: St Louis Age: 22 Posts: 165 Join Date: Jan 2012	Re: met this guy at the gym Met my boyfriend this way...we had a summer class together last year and first day of class he walked in and I was instantly attracted and wanted to get to know him. It wasn't entirely sexual, he just looked like an amazing guy. A week later I went for it and asked him to get coffee...almost 9 months later and we're still together.

18th Jan 2012, 07:33 PM	#9
Doctor Faustus EC's resident Philosopher at Large Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Not straight. But only interested in men. xD Out Status: People who ask me. People whom I trust. Location: Basingstoke Posts: 1,601 Join Date: Oct 2011	Re: met this guy at the gym @JohnnyBoy: Aw, that's amazing! To the OP: I'd echo what everyone else has said really. You seem to be doing the right things. Don't rush into it: the first thing is to really get to know them better on a friend level before you start going any further. It's always worth a shot. Good luck! __________________ "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." - Mother Teresa.