Having a bad week..Just need to vent..

[Anonymous]

They say that 'bad' things come in threes; and this week has been no different. I lost my job, found out I have Herpes, and accepted myself as trans, all in the span of a couple of days...

Before I go further, I should say that I don't think it's bad that I'm trans, it just means I have a lot to work towards in the coming months, as well as the stress that comes with knowing you have to come out to people at some point in the coming future, and all those other things that come with it.

It's funny though, because once I thought about it, and really looked at my actions over the course of my life, a lot of things just seemed to make sense. I recall being 10 or 11 and 'waking up' while I was dreaming, with the realization that I could do anything- the first thing I did was make myself a girl.

I remember having feelings for boys in my early teens, playing MMO's as a girl character, trying to escape from reality through the use of video games, substances, and music. There were two instances in which psychedelic substances caused a trigger once I saw a mirror because of the dissatisfaction I had with my appearance.

After High School I fell into a deep depression, a crippling depression, and for reasons I could not explain. I didn't care about my body, or anyone elses body. I put myself in a relationship for almost 2 years; I loved my ex, but I didn't lust for her. (In fact, I don't think I've ever truly lusted after a girl like I do with guys.)

Once I really dug down and looked at myself and said "I think I'm a girl" - it was as if a big weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I could see a light at the end of the tunnel. Before this, my existence seemed especially hollow and trivial; the only things 'keeping me here' (and I say that in all seriousness) were music and my family. I've been coming to terms with it, realizing that my obsession with music was really an escape from facing myself, something that eased the pain of knowing I would die a man. When I took the gender test, and was confronted with the question "If you had to continually become more masculine as time went on and there was nothing you could do about it, what would you do?" I knew that I would not be able to cope with this.

Anyways, this is my first post, I just wanted to share and am appreciative of this anonymous and supportive outlet.

Thanks,

Audrey

[AloneOutHere]

not sure what i can say to help, but i hope i can offer some love and support

FEEL BETTER!!!