A visit to: When I was in the closet

[Anonymous]

I found some old files on my computer, one of them being a msn conversation I had with my "Ex-girlfriend"

The fact is, I'm gay. And I just recently came out, with horrid response from my family. I always knew I was way but only a year ago I came to aknowledge it and accept myself.

What makes me feel weird is reading what I wrote like 5 years ago. I said things like "You're the most amazing girl in the world and beautiful bla blah" to her and I really don't recall feeling that way about her. I mean I never had a crush on her. She had a crush on me and I felt obligued to correspond even tought I never found her nor any women sexy or arousing. (Plus she really was ugly)

When we were together I never felt the urge to kiss her or touch her or make out with her none of them AT ALL and I tried to force myself to do it but I couldn't I mean those are things you don't fake (The urge to kiss-touch someone). I tought it was cool being in a relationship, even if it wasn't what I wanted. I even recall checking out hot guys while I was with her.

We finished our one-month-relationship because I never kissed her passionately or something like that...

Fortunately she moved to another country and eventually visits my town, I haven't found her since... but I wonder if I should come out to her if I get the chance... will she be mad? will she out me publicly?

Its just... weird... you know how I feel? Have you experienced something similar?

[shfh]

Well ... my story isn't exactly the same, but I went through the same feelings. My long term close friend became my "boy friend" for about 3 days (yea ... thats how long it lasted). This was before I realized who I was ... and being with him I didn't feel anything people say you were supposed to feel. I said I liked him and I tried to do the things girl friends are supposed to do. But after the third day ... it just felt sooo "off" and just there was something missing, and I felt like I had to stop it. I didn't know myself I was gay, so I didnt even really have a reason. We were ok for a few months afterwards I guess ... and now I havnt spoken to him in a year since he refuses to talk to me.

So I have the same question as you. Lately I have been thinking maybe if i told him I was a lesbian then it might make more sense to him? Would he be more or less angry? And like you, I wonder if he would take it badly and out me to our mutual friends before I really want everyone to know?

Any suggestions?

[duriru]

Something similar happened to me. Back in high school, this girl had a crush on me. And she was very obvious about it, she flirted a lot and told one of my friends. And I thought I also had a crush on her. I actually thought about her a lot. But at the same time I knew I was gay (I was sort of in denial though). I think that I actually felt this way not because of her, but rather the thought of, "Hey, maybe I am straight after all." Also because I had never thought of myself as attractive before I went to high school (I lost a lot of weight before I entered high school, which I sadly gained back but am in the process of geting rid of permanently), and she, a very hot girl, having a crush on me boosted my self-esteem.
I never thought of her in a sexual way, and didn't feel any physical attraction towards her. I'm glad nothing happened, since she changed high school and I was very shy, or it would have taken me longer to accepting myself as gay.

[PerfectInsanity]

I'd say as long as you let some time go by since you dated the girl (after she has moved on to other relationships), she will probably be less apt to be really angry with you and potentially 'out' you to other people. If you had come out to her while you were together or shortly thereafter, then it might be a different story. Time and distance can usually allow people to get over most things, or at the very least not get as worked up over them.

I had a very similar experience with the girls I dated back in high school. The last girl I was with for ~1 year and I still remember how fake everything felt trying to make her believe I was actually into her. When she tried having sex with me, even though I couldn't get it up I found other ways of pleasuring her through making out just to satisfy her enough that she wouldn't ask me why I wasn't hard for her. Trying to think about guys while I was with her didn't even work. I also made up bullshit excuses about being too nervous or wanting to save myself for after marriage (even though I'm not religious at all). I think it's somewhat harder for gay guys dating girls to end the relationship sometimes because the girls seem to be more attached to us since we treat them better in some ways than straight guys. I remember my last girlfriend instant messaging me over a year after we broke up and we had gone off to different colleges, hoping that I would go back with her because she liked the way I treated her (even though sex never worked between us). Despite feeling bad for deceiving them, the important thing is that I realized the path I was on was wrong and that it would never ultimately work: they would find out somewhere down the line. The last one must have known I was gay, but I haven't seen her in years so I don't really feel the need to actually contact her to come out officially. I have told my one best girl friend from high school, whom I very briefly "dated" in junior high (it wasn't exactly dating back then). She has been very understanding and did not react badly when I told her.

[Chip]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

What makes me feel weird is reading what I wrote like 5 years ago. I said things like "You're the most amazing girl in the world and beautiful bla blah" to her and I really don't recall feeling that way about her.

I and my friends have, over the years, have developed a tongue-in-cheek game we call "find the hidden fairy" in which we've identified a bunch of things -- call them stereotypes if you like -- that identify closeted gay guys. And we've collectively been pretty accurate at calling them, sometimes 10 years before they actually come out. One of them that's turned out to be an almost 100% reliable indicator is when a guy gushes on his Facebook about "My amazing, beautiful girlfriend." For whatever reason, straight guys almost NEVER say shit like that. And gay guys, of course, don't realize that they're outing themselves (at least to those in the know.) My guess is it's an unconscious attempt by the person to overcompensate and convince everyone (maybe including himself) that he's really straight.

I mean I never had a crush on her. She had a crush on me and I felt obligued to correspond even tought I never found her nor any women sexy or arousing. (Plus she really was ugly)

And this is actually another stereotype that seems to be a pretty accurate predictor of a closeted fairy. When you see an average-to-cute guy who's reasonably fit with an unattractive or larger girl... frequently the guy is a closeted poof. I feel really bad about saying it that way, especially since I think our culture puts entirely too much emphasis on physical appearance, but among everyone in my circle (and, apparently, among much of gay culture), that's recognized as a pretty reliable way of picking out closeted fairies.

I haven't found her since... but I wonder if I should come out to her if I get the chance... will she be mad? will she out me publicly?

The sad thing is, many girls like this seem to be a magnet for closeted gay guys. One female friend I have has had 7 boyfriends in the past 5 years. *All* have ended up coming out after breaking up with her. So... it's sort of a delicate call. She might be supportive, she might feel frustrated if she's had it happen multiple times. But if you think there's a possiblity she might spread the news and you aren't ready to be totally out, I think I'd probably be cautious.