Mirror, Mirror On the Wall

[Anonymous]

This is...just a rant on my iPod that I'm telling to all of you. Whoever 'you' are. And while I am a member on here, I don't want to be known. It's weird, but I just want to be anonymous. And it feels suiting in a way that I can't seem to put into words.

I'm tired. So, so tired of not being able to know who I am anymore. I have an idea of "what" I am. Great. But I don't know who I am; I'm just a mirror in a way; I mimic certain behaviors a person has without wanting to. If you and I were to hang out, I'd pick up on some behaviors you have and not really realize it until later. It really pisses me off. No matter who I'm around, I automatically reflect certain things that a person presents to me. That's just a way of saying that I'm never myself with anyone really. I feed off of emotions and behaviors around me. I'm just a stupid mirror that no one seems to be aware of.

Even around myself...I have no idea WHO I am. I don't really know what my personality is. The words "mirror" and "mimic" come to mind, and that's just depressing. It's just saying I don't really have a personality; another person's personality is then my personality in a sense. And it isn't like I've always been like this. I used to have a personality of my own when I was a little kid. But it changed when I reached a certain age: I became a mirror; a mimic. No one notices but me.

Another thing no one seems to notice is how I don't like being referred to as a girl. And that's because I'm not, I'm a boy stuck in this female body. I don't really want to go through surgery; I'll stick with this body of mine, but I want to be acknowledged as a boy instead of a girl. And it is too much to ask for. I can't bring myself to tell anyone but my ceiling and myself. My family will not take it well. My parents won't be happy at all. I'm their only girl that they know as "gay." They want me dressed as a girl. They got on my case when I started dressing more like a boy. And when they did, my heart managed to sink. How could I even think that they'd be ok with it? They hate when my little brother calls me a boy out of spite. They hate when my other brother calls the little one a girl. They hate it. How could I not think about that? In their eyes, there is no other colors than black and white when it comes to gender.

Feeling what I feel - well, more accurately, what I don't feel - just enhances this feeling of being...an alien in a way. A few people think I'm homosexual, but in reality I'm just asexual. An aromantic asexual. I have nothing against being this way, it just makes me feel like a freak when people bring up feelings. And when they bring me into it, I'm the joke. It makes me feel like a freak; an alien; not human. I'm done. Just...done.

I give up. I'm just going to fake it. I'll be the girl that they expect me to be. I'll be the one with feelings. I'll be this human that they want. I'll continue being a mirror that reflects what THEY want to see. Even if it kills me inside. Sure it sounds dramatic, but I'm just tired.

[Anonymous]

Hun, you are not a freak. You're different than alot of people, but there's also people in the world who feel like you do. Maybe not all in one, but parts that can be put together. I went through a sort of mimicing era myself. I was always acting like the people around me, and it wasnt always voluntary. Fortunately, I grew out of it as i began to realise myself. Brighter things will come, and this too shall pass. As of being a boy, i cant relate to that, but i know people who can. You're special, just like they are. And although i'm sure your ceiling is a great listener, if you want to be known as a boy, you should start somewhere else. Maybe a very close friend, or one that isnt so close but will be accepting of who you are. Once you know there's someone to accept you, you'll know that not only will others, but also you can accept you. I would love to have had the chance to accept you, were you in my life outside the virtual world. You're wonderful as yourself, and even if your family doesnt seem to accept it at first, they will. Because they love you. But Hun, dont give up. because somewhere outside of the darkness you see around you, is a world full of happiness you can find. (I apologize greatly for all the confucious feel good stuff, i know when your depressed thats the last thing you want to hear. For all i know, you didnt want my help. But i hope that this long message gets through to you, because life's too short to live unhappy.) Much love, and much luck! <3