i just feel really depressed and im so frustrated with gay options

[Anonymous]

im a guy. i like guys. i'm not "out" but i some people know. i go to gave clubs and bars and i go to straight bars and clubs and time and time again, its the same thing. at the straight places the gays look great, dress great, look presentable, and look very desirable for women and closeted gays i guess. then you go to a gay place and you feel like you hit rock bottom, the people look like rock bottom, they just throw on whatever they want whether it matches or not, and it's usually a pride fest in there. i never go into these places and think 'wow, i feel like this is the equilavent to a upscale straight bar." i always feel like, "well lets see what's available out of the bottom of the barrel of the bucket options here.". i just wished there were places that were equivalent to upscale straight places so you can make that transition in your mind and feel like "ok, well being gay isn't all that bad". but the type of guys at the gay places are never the same type of guys that are at straight places. the ones at gay places no matter if they are masculine or fem, always are really "gayish". i'm just over it. i dont fit into gay world or with teh gay people. there's no hope. i am not suicidal, but if i was, i would feel even worse right now. no i am not coming out. what for., there will not be any better options.

[phospholipase]

I think going to a gay bar constitutes some sort of "coming out" (at least to those who were at the club). Clubs and bars are such a small part of life... you don't have to make some sort of decision about coming out or "lifestyle" choices just because of what your eyes see at these social settings. You're going to find all types of people both in and outside of the club. What exactly are you trying to find at clubs and bars?

I have an aversion to these social settings because most of the people who go to clubs and bars want to get drunk and find a buddy for sexual desires. I personally wouldn't look for meaningful relationships there. It's possible to make lasting relationships there, but... I just don't feel like it's the type of place.

[TheEdend]

Your "gay options" aren't limited because you are gay. Your "gay options" are limited because you are in the closet. You might not want to hear it, but its the truth. By being in the closet your options are going to be limited. You are either going to have the option for someone who just wants sex or for a relationship that is kept in the download...which usually start with just sex. Not only that, but by being in the closet you are limiting the places that you can find people. You are limiting yourself to bars, clubs and LGBT events. And again, you will only meet a certain amount of people in those very specific places.

I'm not saying come out of the closet so all your problems can disappear (it doesn't work that way), but I am telling you that if you want your options to open you are going to have to come out. Maybe not completely out, but definitely more than you are right now.

[robclem21]

I agree with both of the posters above me. The most important point is to first think about what you want out of meeting a guy at these social locations. Do you want a relationship? Do you want someone to just 'hook up' with? If it is the first one, then maybe this isn't the best place to look for that, and if you want a relationship I think you would have a little more luck if you had the options to meet guys in a non-club setting. If it is the second, then it seems like you would have a lot of options the way you are describing the gay clubs that you go to.

With that said, it also seems like you have a certain type of guy in mind for who you are looking to meet. I am the same way in that guys (or anyone in general) who dress like that are a complete turn-off. However, even with that being said, if you really are intent on finding a guy there, try not to be too judgmental of guys like that. A lot of them if you talk to them may have a lot in common with you. If you are looking for a specific type of guy again you may be forced to change the place you are looking. I agree again that coming out won't solve all of your problems, but it will allow you to expand your horizons of where you look and maybe take a few more chances on guys in other places.

[Anonymous]

Where do you live, OP? How many gay bars/clubs are there in your area? I kinda get a similar impression of the gay bars around here (Minneapolis) that you're describing, but I don't really know. Maybe all the guys you're looking for are so hot they don't need to go to the clubs because guys are throwing themselves at them anywhere they go. When I look at the online dating sites and see the guys in my area I don't see many that I'm into so I figure they don't need the dating site due to what I said before. Also, some of the hot guys you see at the straight bars are gay, but they won't admit it and are going to marry a woman to keep up their jock boy reputation. They'll be on the down low with other jock dudes who have a gf/wife probably though. So maybe you have to get a gf to fit in with the types of guys you like. I know dude, it sucks

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

Where do you live, OP? How many gay bars/clubs are there in your area? I kinda get a similar impression of the gay bars around here (Minneapolis) that you're describing, but I don't really know. Maybe all the guys you're looking for are so hot they don't need to go to the clubs because guys are throwing themselves at them anywhere they go. When I look at the online dating sites and see the guys in my area I don't see many that I'm into so I figure they don't need the dating site due to what I said before. Also, some of the hot guys you see at the straight bars are gay, but they won't admit it and are going to marry a woman to keep up their jock boy reputation. They'll be on the down low with other jock dudes who have a gf/wife probably though. So maybe you have to get a gf to fit in with the types of guys you like. I know dude, it sucks

Its the op. Thk u. Im not in minneapis but I do live n a major city. Just like u said...even the online sites dont have much to offer. Its not that im looking for a supermodel...that would b nice but not critical. Just the equilavent to straight guys that I see and im attracted to. I think ut sucks to think that bars and lounges and clubs are off limits. Thats what straiggt people do for fun all the time and its not all about sex there. There aremore types of places that are straight where u can go to a bar or upscale loubgeand havea decent conversatio with someone tgat looks really good dresses really nice and isnt tryin to screw girls or guys just hang out.but if u go to gay ones theres always someone sexual overtones or gayish vibe. Coming out is not gonna help. None of my friends hang aroung gay people and tge few that do have tge sterotypical effeminate gay guy friend so its not like im interested in the. It just sucks.. All im saying is u just dont find the samecaliber of gay people as u do straight unless u want some obviously gay dude

[TheEdend]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

Its the op. Thk u. Im not in minneapis but I do live n a major city. Just like u said...even the online sites dont have much to offer. Its not that im looking for a supermodel...that would b nice but not critical. Just the equilavent to straight guys that I see and im attracted to.

Alright, let say you find the guy who is just like you wanted. You know he is gay, he looks nice and you are into him. Now step in his shoes. Why would he start going out with someone who is not comfortable being out and who is going to make him hide his relationship from everyone?

Lets say he is in the closet, though. Then you would be in the situation of not knowing if he is gay, trying to find out and then trying to tell him without really telling him since you are also in the closet. If you haven't already felt it, this will also leave you frustrated.

I think ut sucks to think that bars and lounges and clubs are off limits. Thats what straiggt people do for fun all the time and its not all about sex there. There aremore types of places that are straight where u can go to a bar or upscale loubgeand havea decent conversatio with someone tgat looks really good dresses really nice and isnt tryin to screw girls or guys just hang out.

Straight bars can be just as bad. Have you seen Jersey Shore? How many of those people were there for relationships? Also, since when have you heard guys say "Lets go to the club, guys. I really want to go meet a decent girl tonight". Most of the time, people go to clubs to have a good time.



Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you are going to have to make a decision sooner or later on what to do with your life. You either change something about your life in order to get different results or you keep doing what you are doing right now and keep complaining about not getting different results. I don't think there is a wrong answer,everyone should do with their lives as they see fit, but you should know what you are getting into and be okay with the results.

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by TheEdend

Alright, let say you find the guy who is just like you wanted. You know he is gay, he looks nice and you are into him. Now step in his shoes. Why would he start going out with someone who is not comfortable being out and who is going to make him hide his relationship from everyone?

Lets say he is in the closet, though. Then you would be in the situation of not knowing if he is gay, trying to find out and then trying to tell him without really telling him since you are also in the closet. If you haven't already felt it, this will also leave you frustrated.

Straight bars can be just as bad. Have you seen Jersey Shore? How many of those people were there for relationships? Also, since when have you heard guys say "Lets go to the club, guys. I really want to go meet a decent girl tonight". Most of the time, people go to clubs to have a good time.



Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you are going to have to make a decision sooner or later on what to do with your life. You either change something about your life in order to get different results or you keep doing what you are doing right now and keep complaining about not getting different results. I don't think there is a wrong answer,everyone should do with their lives as they see fit, but you should know what you are getting into and be okay with the results.

ok, you're right. being out is the answer. everything will work out once i'm out. i'll leave my "COMPLAINING" to myself from now on. Gee thanks.

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

ok, you're right. being out is the answer. everything will work out once i'm out. i'll leave my "COMPLAINING" to myself from now on. Gee thanks.

this is the op here. i was just going to let it go at the above message, but i'm not. i think it's really bad when you come onto a support and advice website and someone indicates that you're complaining. that's not really helpful and it's actually really hurtful. i think everyone "complains" on here in an effort to rant and get things out and share how they are feeling and to make someone feel bad for being honest isn't really welcoming at all. also, i really wish people would stop with this knee jerk "come out" will make things better advice. yes, that is true for some people but it doesn't work for everyone, in every instance and in everyone's situation at that particular time in their lives and instead of asking why people do not chose to come out, there's a general "come out" and there will be more options. but that doesn't work for everyone and it's not really that easy so if that is the general advice that is given here, terrific but just have a disclaimer on the intro page that says, "if you do not want to come out and have issues because you're not happy in the closet, we will indicate that you are complaining and that if you're not going to come out essentially don't waste your time posting". all i have to say is that your'e 21 and that's great for you that you have been able to come out. however, you are in a different stage of your life than i am and there are additional complications with coming out right now that you do not have the life experience to provide advise on at your age. but thanks for allowing me to "complain" one last time. and i promise. it will be the LAST time.

[TheEdend]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

ok, you're right. being out is the answer. everything will work out once i'm out. i'll leave my "COMPLAINING" to myself from now on. Gee thanks.

I'm sorry if I offended you. It was not my intention at all.

Like I said before, I don't think that coming out is the answer to all of your problems. If you come out, you will still have your problems and you will still have your own challenges. By coming out, though, you will finally be able to do something about your situation. You will be back in control of your own life and you will decide what to do with it.

I don't mind that you complain, everyone needs to speak their frustrations, but you came here with a problem, though, and I can only give you what I have seen has worked for a lot of people. Instead of suggesting that coming out might be a good idea I could probably just say "Oh, dude that sucks. Hope things change someday" and leave it at that, but what would that accomplish?

Yes, shit is hard and the feeling of frustration sucks, but you have the power to change it.
I hope you feel better and that you find your dream guy some day. Again, sorry for if I made you feel insulted.

Edit: posted while you were posting. You are right in that I don't know your situation and that I didn't have the problems that you might be going through. If you want, please feel free to PM me if you want to talk about it in a more private setting

[olides84]

There's nothing wrong with wanting a type. But you keep bemoaning people who seem gay, or places that have a gayish vibe. Um, that's what gay bars and clubs are like--full of gay people--giving off a gayish vibe. I bet if the lounge of your dreams existed, or you somehow were invited to this super classy party or dinner that was just for well-dressed gay folks, it would still have a pretty gay vibe.

To be honest from where I see it, you still have some work to do in being more comfortable, accepting your sexuality, and yes, coming out, before you will be able to find the type of friends / relationship you are looking for, wherever you may find it.

[Chip]

I think Gus has hit on an important point.

There are people in life (and on EC) who are in a constant state of unhappiness. And with very, very rare exceptions (maybe people with life-threatening illnesses or unfathomable life sitiuations) their unhappiness has a solution... but they are unable, or unwilling, to actually try to solve the problem, and instead, all they want to do is complain about how awful everything is.

These people have made themselves victims. And they convince themselves that their situation is unfixable. As in "Oh, I could never come out because __________________" or "Oh, I'll never find the person I want because _______________________"

Well... those tend to become self-fulfilling prophecies. While I don't believe in all the hype around the "law of attraction" (aka, "The Secret"), I do believe, in principle, that we get back a lot of the energy we put out. If we put out that we're miserable and the situation is unsolveable... then that's what tends to come back to us and it's in part caused by our own beliefs.

So what Gus is saying is... there IS a solution to your problems, but you seem unwilling, afraid, or otherwise not able to actually get to the point where you can act on that solution. And not everyone can do it right now -- for example, we have a few members who are minors, and if they come out, they KNOW they'll get thrown out of their homes, or sent to "straight camp" or whatever, so they may have to wait. But most people aren't in that place. And for the staff, it is almost painful for us to watch those people month after month, year after year, complain... because most of us were there at one time. And we know how, once we took that enormous step... things DID get a whole lot better.

So you're certainly welcome to just take what Gus and others have said and convince yourself that you're a victim, and no one undestands you, and eventually something will change (without you doing any of the work) to make it better. But that doesn't seem to be working for you.

So just maybe, you could let his words, and the words of others in this thread (and, perhaps, elsewhere if you've posted other threads) reach inside and help you overcome the fear. You don't have to come out tomorrow... you just have to commit to yourself that you want to do it, and then figure out when and how. And that's where the EC community can be really useful in helping you figure out the logistics and practicalities of doing so.

At least give it some thought. You are clearly unhappy, and you clearly deserve happiness.

[sexyalex]

Dear Anonymous,

Your defining your sexuality based on gay clubs.

Simply put...that's ridiculous-emphasis on the ridiculous. You don't have to be out the closet or attend a gay bar to find common ground or to find companionship.

Gay, straight or bi. It doesn't matter. What you attract is what the universe grants you.
It may be that, the gay bars in your community are downscale, but i am sure if it is an upscale lounge, it has no sexuality attached to it. TRUST ME.

I used to be a reserved, keep to myself kind of guy. Shy and timid.
After quitting my job in the corporate world and opening my own business, I realised the value of networking and it forced me to step outside my comfort zone to meet and and become intimate with many different people from different walks of life.

One of the most valuable lessons I have learned, (especially living in the most homophobic country on the planet) is that people have their own problems and very little care about who you are and for which team you play for. Follow these steps and they may help you in the right direction:

(a)If you learn to be personable and non-judgmental you meet more people and are introduced to more closed circles. Elite or bombs. Even the most presentable person can be the most psychotic and foolish in personality. And a white trash to the eyes may surprise you to just be an average uptowner who needed a change of scenery.

(b)Set standards. Personally, I don't do gay clubs. Straight ones ether. I was born with 2 left legs and it's embarrassing for a black person so I just don't party. (smile) But what I do is join many elite charity groups. Toast masters, golf clubs, tennis clubs, advocacy groups. And what do they all have in common? Everyone passes through. And the more put together I am, the more people are attracted to want to be around me. Men will flirt with you from the young professional to the old and impotent. And one thing I always do once the conversation becomes informal (and I like what I see) is find out what they are about and what they are looking for. It's how you don't waste time in run down bars (gay or straight) looking for anyone and sifting through the riff-raffs and the eligible bachelours. If a guy likes what he sees, he will strike the conversation. Cuts the effort of hooking up in half. From there, all you need to do is look them straight in the eye and set your price. If he thinks your too gay for him to hang with you in public, he will leave. If he thinks your high maintenance he will also leave. If he thinks you're worth it, he may ask you out on a date, offer you a job, his card, to join him for lunch or dinner, a one on one match. But you have control of who walks in and out of your life because you had the golden rule down pat, Set your standards.

(c) Focus on your life. Instead of complaining about how limited your options are, work on your unhappiness. These guys you see at the gay bars having a splash all have one thing in common. They are all happy. Ether to be there, or with their life overall. If you're not, that's your problem. So deal with it. Spend some time reading some motivational books. Talking to a therapist, a close friend or councilor. Set goals. Where you are in life now and where you want to be. Whether long term or short term. Attack the short term ones first. For me, it was money management. I was sick of being broke and so after my bf and I broke up for a similar reason, I made it my goal to focus my energy into not being broke again. During that time, I met allot of people. Stock brokers and accountants. Investors and bankers and if you follow (B) right, and remained focus on (c) the people who matter will be in your life once you have accomplished your goals. I should know. I'm not dating my broker and we make a very good team. (since i'm not so good at math and all) And most importantly, he's happy and i'm happy because he got the 3 most important things a man needs from a relationship (and i'm a bttm btw. He's a top), that is: support (business wise), affection (love) and loyalty.

Hope I could help.
All the best.

-Alex