Of Repression and Sexuality

[Anonymous]

Hey guys,

This is my first post, so let me start off by saying it’s nice to meet you all. I’m 20 years old, and I just found this website two days ago. It seems like a wonderful place with really supportive people, and I can’t believe it took me so long to realize that such a community probably exists on the Internet. I hope to be involved with helping people in any way I can.

I wanted to start off by sharing my story with you all, because it’s bothered me for quite a few years. I’m pretty sure I’m gay, but I also have a “fetish” that really seems to dominate my sexuality. At the same time, I’m a virgin. These combine to give me an uncomfortable relationship with my sexuality as well as myself.

Let me start off with my fetish: I’m incredibly attracted to haircuts and haircutting. I think I can trace back the origins to my early childhood. I used to have a hair tail when I was a kid, which, and I was known amongst family and friends for it. I was very self-conscious about it, because people would always tell me to cut it and make fun of it for looking like a mullet. I would freak out terribly if people even just kindly asked me if I was ever going to cut it. This complex led to me being very afraid of the barbershop, salons, barbers, etc. At the same time though, and as I got older, I would have fantasies of cutting my tail. Looking back, I think I wanted to be free of the external and internal repression I was feeling. My mind became fixated, even to the point of dreaming, on one day cutting my hair. I still remember when, at 12, I finally cut it. It felt somewhat familiar to coming out, actually. The fascination with cutting hair did not stop there, however; throughout puberty it evolved into the core of my sexual fantasies.

When I first started to realize I was likely gay (circa 14, when I was first able to please myself), I used haircuts as my coping mechanism. I “knew” being gay wasn’t normal and I didn’t want to be so, but I had no such feelings with the haircuts, and therefore thought it would be a good temporary outlet for my sexual urges until I “figure out” how to be straight. I felt as if the fetish could be used to suppress my feelings. Nascent urges to kiss one of male friends could further be suppressed simply by looking away.

At first, I watched haircut videos of both boys and girls. I would watch girls get buzzcuts, and I was able to pleasure myself. Slowly, I moved on to men receiving or haircuts as I reached a point where these would no longer satisfy me. Essentially, This has been my sole sexual activity my entire life. Previously, I had kissed a few girls—last year I kissed my first boy ever, but self-catering to my fetish is by far my most dominant sexual experience. I am turned on by the sounds of hair clippers, scissors snipping, hair falling onto the barber’s cape etc. Definite bonus points if the guy is cute, can see his armpit hair/smiles/etc. Overall though, the haircut and its ambiance is the dominant part that turns me on. It is even sometimes most powerful when I think of cutting my own hair.

I’ve become more comfortable with my perceived sexuality of being gay (out to my parents/a couple friends (though definitely not most [people)), but I’m now concerned that boys haircuts boys are all I can get off to. Recently, I’ve had my first couple forays into more typical gay porn, and I only have a success rate of using it about 1/5th of the time. On top of this, they only work after I’ve watched at least a haircut video or two, and rarely are these types of videos as pleasurable as just watching haircuts.
I really didn’t feel much when I had my first kiss with a boy as well. Granted, I didn’t think he was very cute, and I did feel excitement for the sense I was kissing a boy (retrospectively I do, and I think about him a lot…though that could be because its a year later and he has a boyfriend and I’m kind of jealous and nothing has happened for me since then)). As for the actual kiss itself though, I really don’t know if I felt much.

I think this feeling of uncertainty of whether or not I’m actually gay have been fueled by my limited use of chat roulette type gay sites. I’d say I’ve used them a couple dozen times, and I often would feel rejection on those. I’m not sure though, maybe not.

Anyways, I’m now very confused if I am actually gay or not. I do think I find boys “cute” (in fact there’s a boy who lives in my building who I think is really cute, and I think he might be gay too…potentially interested in me), but I’m never like SEXUALLY charged and horny for these people. Nor do I even feel urges to kiss their lips like I felt for a few boys when I was first discovering sexuality. I just think they’re cute (and subsequently think about them a lot when I do; part of the reason I think the guy in my building is cute is that I think he might be into me, which is exciting).

Part of the problem also is that I have image issues and confidence issues with myself. I’ve always known basically everyone in my life would be/is supporting about being gay, but I still highly repress myself. I look away from guys I think are cute, and I have trouble interacting with boys (I put on kind of an artificial, walled off persona around boys both straight and gay). I guess I have some lingering issues from high school with bullying for being possibly gay / general homophobia (the bullying really wasn’t bad, it was just ”playful” taunts of being gay from acquaintances, rather than being extremely abusive).

Anyways, what do you guys think? I feel like my haircutting fetish really dominates my sexuality, and I wish it didn’t. I wished I were “normally” gay, confident in my potential to have an intimate sexual relationship, but I just don’t know. I’m really worried that, even if I work through my image/confidence issues, I will still be dominated by my my paraphilic attraction, and I won’t be able to love another person. Or what if I am clearly gay? Will I require a partner who can service my fetish, letting me cut his hair? That would make me sad, I think. I already know I can get to the point one day where I am completely comfortable being gay, but I don’t know if I could be something that doesn’t even allow me to completely love another person (at least, I feel like I couldn’t completely love someone without the intimacy of sex. I feel like the physical connection would weaken the spiritual one).
Is there anyone out there how has had some kind of fetish similar to mine? Is it still involved in your sex life, or have you become comfortable with normal sexual activities? Had you been a virgin like me? (That’s another thing, I’m eager to lose my virginity. I know rationally I shouldn’t be, but I feel pressure of being 20 and many people I know having substantial relationships or even just random sex. I have deep discomfort talking about these kinds of things with my friends, which I think hurts our friendships because sexuality is obviously a super important component of who you are).

Anyways, thanks for reading this guys. Anything to hear, whether I’d like it or not, would be helpful. I think sometimes I should probably get a therapist, but I’m afraid to talk to one/also worry about the cost of it. Any advice on that if you think it’s worth it? Is it possible to work out my issues without one (I’d definitely prefer that)? Thanks again.

-Matt

[Anonymous]

Hi,

Thanks for posting - that was an interesting read. I think this whole haircut business is just a personal kink. It started from a young age and has flourished into something which you find quite appealing. I would not be surprised if you combined something savoury as cutting hair with closeting your homosexual tendancies..

Having kinks and fetishes is totally normal.. some for feet, shoes, eyes, skin, hair, clothes, stance.. anything really!.. it really is a psychological mystery and I think you have nothing to worry about .

20 is still young, and if you do a bit of digging around on these forums, you will find that there are many people who are virgins at this age. Being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed of, nor is sexuality. To use an analogy I read somewhere else on here - just because your friends are indulging in fast food, doesn't mean you have to. I can't be 100%, but from your post it seems like you are interested in men (and congratulations for coming out to a few people), but you are still dealing with some internal gripes. There is no need to rush into sexual encounters or being sexual. The best sex is had by those who have developed relationships based on honesty and trust which leads to love.

So in concluding here - If you are a haircutting fetishist who likes guys like the guy in your appartment, go for it. Stir up some courage and go talk to this appartment wanderer and take it from there. Online dating sites and hookups are not for everyone.. in my experience they are a waste of time to use if you don't directly propose that you are looking for a 'friends first' relationship. You're doing fine

[Anonymous]

I can relate quite a bit to the OP. My fetish for shoes, socks, feet far exceeds my dominant attraction towards men and my inferior attraction towards women. Like you, my sexual drive stems more from my attraction to feet and then whatever gender is attached to them. I have little interest in kissing, passion and romance in most cases. Most days I'd be just as happy with a pair of worn socks and no partner at all.

I struggle with coming out sexually....don't know how I'd ever come out regarding my fetish.

[adam88]

As far as kinks go, haircutting is certainly an interesting one. Myself, I tend to have a bit of a kink for certain gender-atypical haircuts... long, flowing hair on guys and short (Short!) hair on girls. I have no idea when or why this started, but I just enjoy it.

And to give you perspective, I didn't lose my virginity till last summer so don't think you're that odd in that respect.

If I could offer you some advice, it's to keep doing what you're doing. Think about things, mill them around in your mind and when it's time to take action, you will.