Safe Experimenting

[Anonymous]

So, I'm in that pretty confused/questioning state. I've only been with women at this point in my life. I'd like to get a better grasp on my authentic self/true sexuality, but most of the options seem too public or incomplete.

On the incomplete side, I've clicked over to gay porn a few times, I've tried to "try it on" or even "check out" guys. None of these really did a whole lot for me. It seemed a bit forced.

On the public side, I'm just not quite comfortable going to a gay bar, telling gay friends. I'm getting over a long relationship (with a woman), and I think it's a bit early for public exploration/experimentation.

What sort of in between steps might there be? I've thought about it, but I haven't come up with much.

On a related note, how did some of you - more geared towards those who weren't certain of their orientation - take the step from more private steps to more public steps? What early steps did you take?

[Lexington]

If the occasional gay porn doesn't do anything for you, and checking out guys seems forced and uncomfortable...is there any reason to feel you have to continue down that path? Those two signs seem to indicate there's not much gold to be found in them thar hills...

Lex

[Anonymous]

I think so. I've been running from these thoughts and feelings for quite some time (I'm a bit older). I also suffer from a bit of anxiety. So I think it might be one of those cases where I've stuffed it down pretty deep...

[Sunsetting]

i don't consider myself confused, i do however consider myself conflicted. as far as attraction, i may cause ripples by saying this, but for me, the more confident i get in myself, the less attracted to guys i get. it's been really strange. i try to watch porn and sometimes i'm like...wow, cool, other times i'm totally disgusted and not aroused at all by even the best looking dudes. i'm not looking for a piece of meat to screw. i'm much more interested in being me and being in an enduring relationship with someone who is mutually compatible. part of the process is just in being open with someone, anyone, about where you are at and what you feel to start.

[Anonymous]

I'm with you man. Same thing - I was taunted a bit growing up and possibly being gay seemed to make it all make sense. As I've gotten more confident, I "feel it" less. Nonetheless, I do believe that the thoughts and feelings I have had are real and require some exploration. I'm just trying to figure out how to do this in a low risk sort of way. I have this ridiculous fantasy that I could just stop time, stand close to some guys, touch them, etc. I don't actively fantasize about being with men, but the uncertainty kills me. It's hard to proceed with any relationship, gay or straight, when you don't know quite what you are.

[Sunsetting]

yep, i feel you bro. you are doing a lot just by being here and sharing. being open about what's going on does a lot. maybe just consider one close friend who you can share what's going on, or a counselor or a pflag group. i want to try a pflag group here in ny. otherwise, again, this is a great forum to express your heart. next steps will follow, so try to be patient with yourself

[Anonymous]

i'm in nyc as well. i'm not sure you can share here, but are there good groups here you've located? are we allowed to post about support resources if it isn't trying to meetup or link to a facebook, etc? I think we're allowed based on the red stuff above.

[Sunsetting]

best thing to do so we both stay in good standing here, is to ask someone like Lex directly, you can PM him

[Lexington]

If you're just thinking of websites with generic information, that'd be fine. The only issue we would have is if you share websites with forums or messageboards, where you could contact each other somewhere other than here. (This is for safety - I'll explain further if you need me to.) If the site simply lists places for support, that's fine.

That said, I'm not sure any step beyond porn and fantasy would help much at this stage. If you've got this stuff buried so deep you can't even enjoy the porn, I'm not entirely sure you'd be in a good spot to open up to actual people yet, and it certainly wouldn't be a good time to hook up with a guy. I'd say just let the fantasies come along if they do.

Lex

[Anonymous]

Thanks Lex. I guess I was thinking that maybe kissing a guy or something might kick up some feelings.

[Sunsetting]

you could go to the lgbt center on 13th street. there's a meeting on Fridays for 20's and 30's and a whole lot of other activities i have never gone to. http://www.gaycenter.org/

then there's also pflag. i want to go, but i keep missing the meeings @_@. http://www.pflagnyc.org/ they have one meeting per month in each of the boroughs