I've been a worthless piece of shit

[Anonymous]

Fucking hell I'm literally shaking and almost crying, I'm in the worst situation that's ever been presented in my life. I feel like I'm getting this because I'm a bad person and I deserve it, I'm such a fucking retard.

So, last week I didn't go to school at all. I missed every single day. And today I missed school too. I feel like a failure. It was my decision and I tricked people at home into thinking I indeed went every day. But my tutor called today and I need an excuse.

I know there's no fair excuse to have to do something as irresponsible as what I did, so I fear it won't be enough. I'm completely sure people are thinking less of me right now. I feel like the right thing to do is to say the truth to my tutor's face, but I seriously fear I will be speechless, or I'll start shaking or stuttering, or that I'll break down in the middle of my explanation.

I am such a spoiled little useless shit and I'm afraid I'll never succeed in life. Not only because of this but I also feel stupid and ignorant most of the time. I feel like such a failure and I don't know how to fix it. I am ashamed to say I need an elder being more strict to me. But this will mean I'll have to give up certain things and there's something that would definitely crush me if it were to be taken away from me.

I am in love, with a person that is far away from me. I love him too much. He's part of the reason I missed school. I talked to him everyday until 5AM and then at 7 I didn't have enough mental strength to be mature and go to school. But I can't stop talking to him, I love him so much and I will die if I stop talking to him. He doesn't know I missed school and he actually asked me how I was going, I lied to him and said it was all good and I didn't tell him I didn't go at all.

I am afraid I'll have to tell my tutor I'm a homosexual, because it's really a factor in all this silent chaos going on in my head. I don't think he'll take it the bad way but I'll be embarrassed and ashamed nonetheless. It's such a burden to carry, but it's even harder to get it off my back. I am so worried for tomorrow.

I don't see life as something important, therefore I don't really care about school. But my parents do their best to have me where I am right now. I should take advantage of the situation and be grateful, but I think I haven't lived economic misery enough to understand how important my education is. I don't blame my parents for not being strict enough, they've been the best parents I could have got. I blame myself absolutely, I lie to people and I don't care enough about anything.

I just really needed to vent and maybe get some advice. I know even people here will judge me but I guess I have to face being judged someday. I feel godawful. I'm sorry, world. I'm sorry for myself.

[55butnotalive]

Just by virtue of the fact that you took the time to vent this all out means you care - and that means you're not worthless, stupid, or any other negative thing. Obviously you're young but you didn't give an age so I'm going to assume mid-teens. Well, buddy, I'm a 56 year-old math teacher who comes to this site to get and give support for men like me who've been trapped in the closet for most of their lives. If I had known myself as much as you seem to when I was your age, I wouldn't be in the situation I am now. That alone makes you worth something in my eyes!

Since I'm a teacher, here is my advice. Talk to a school guidance counselor that you trust and unburden yourself!! I have students who, because of personal problems, miss day after day of class. The longer it goes on, the more difficult it will be to dig yourself out. You have to step up because letting it go on will jeopardize you future - college choices, jobs, etc. If there isn't a counselor you trust, call a hotline or have a private chat with one of the advisors at this site.

You sound like a very intelligent person. You just need some help right now. Please get it! Talk to your parents about as much of this as you can. They may be angry, but if you ask for their help rather than letting them find out the hard way that you're skipping school, it will go better for you. Same for your tutor. You're just at the start of what I hope is a long and happy life. If nothing else, stepping out from behind this will help you build character - a person's most important attribute!

Finally, I know that you feel an intense need to spend all night talking to the person your talking to, but if they care about you, they'll care that you get an education and reach your potential. Please be up front with them too. Agree to set limits on talking time up front and then stick to them.

Please keep posting. I need to know you're OK.

55bna

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by 55butnotalive

Just by virtue of the fact that you took the time to vent this all out means you care - and that means you're not worthless, stupid, or any other negative thing. Obviously you're young but you didn't give an age so I'm going to assume mid-teens. Well, buddy, I'm a 56 year-old math teacher who comes to this site to get and give support for men like me who've been trapped in the closet for most of their lives. If I had known myself as much as you seem to when I was your age, I wouldn't be in the situation I am now. That alone makes you worth something in my eyes!

Since I'm a teacher, here is my advice. Talk to a school guidance counselor that you trust and unburden yourself!! I have students who, because of personal problems, miss day after day of class. The longer it goes on, the more difficult it will be to dig yourself out. You have to step up because letting it go on will jeopardize you future - college choices, jobs, etc. If there isn't a counselor you trust, call a hotline or have a private chat with one of the advisors at this site.

You sound like a very intelligent person. You just need some help right now. Please get it! Talk to your parents about as much of this as you can. They may be angry, but if you ask for their help rather than letting them find out the hard way that you're skipping school, it will go better for you. Same for your tutor. You're just at the start of what I hope is a long and happy life. If nothing else, stepping out from behind this will help you build character - a person's most important attribute!

Finally, I know that you feel an intense need to spend all night talking to the person your talking to, but if they care about you, they'll care that you get an education and reach your potential. Please be up front with them too. Agree to set limits on talking time up front and then stick to them.

Please keep posting. I need to know you're OK.

55bna

That just unstressed the hell out of me. Thank you, thank you so much for the advice. I am now much less agitated and I realise I can fix what I've done. I will talk to my parents and the school counsellor, and my tutor as well. I will also try my best at school. I might have to come back to see your post everyday to get some motivation. That piece of text feels like a hug, thank you so much. Yes I am in my mid-teens, by the way. I just worry sometimes that I'll never grow up!
I'll also let this guy know that we have to change our talking schedule. I am just worried he'll be disappointed in me and think I'm not worth it.

[Beachboi92]

I know it feels really shitty right now. I've been in almost an identical situation (minus the being in love with a guy really far away thing) and i know how much it sucks to have all that stuff going on, to miss school, to get down on yourself, and to feel like if you tell the truth it will create problems. But the fact is you need to get this sorted out while it's just starting and before it becomes a serious habit and don't let the stress of "what will people think when i get back" keep you from returning to school. I did, and it was the worst mistake i ever made and i'll never forget it and feel some sort of regret over it. What you need to do is talk to people.

First off talk to your guy and let him know the situation. Let him know you have missed school because of all the stress and the late night conversations. Work out a way for you guys to talk that won't interfere with your school work and attendance. I'm sure he will want that for you and be willing to find a way to work it out.

Next talk to your parents and let them know whats going on. I'll tell you right now it won't be long before they get a call about what has happened. If this continues you will see a lot more issues and stress on your guys relationship. You don't need to come out to them if your not ready, but you do need to tell them you are having some personal issues right now, that it is effecting your attendance and ability to operate at school, and that you want to see a councilor or therapist. I can't stress this move enough. A therapist can help hold you accountable for your actions, help with your coming out process, and provide you with a safe place to deal with your issues.

Depending on your parents simply discussing that you are having issues with stress, anxiety, or whatever else you are dealing with may be all they need to hear to sign you up for therapy and maybe write you a note for school. Also i'd talk to a principle or councilor about making up those days and inform them that you missed as a result of some mental health problems you have been dealing with.

Just stay in communication, it is the best thing you can do, lying or staying silent will only make things 10000% worse. Not seeking help and trying to find ways to manage the problem will also only make it 10000% worse.

The main things are
1- talk to the guy about finding a better way to communicate so that it will not effect attendance. That means him getting off the phone/computer/whatever at a reasonable hour.
2- Talk to your parents and get help from a therapist or councilor. If they won't help you get one then talk to your school councilor, they may be able to help you get set up with one.
3- be in communication with your tutor, your teachers, your councilor, and your vice principle. If you tell them about the issues your having immediately (you don't need to come out simply saying your dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety and need someone to talk to who is more objective and can keep your conversations private) you won't run the risk of them looking at you like a bad student. Ask about making up the days, inform them you are attempting to get a therapist to help you deal with stuff better.

If you don't get in communication about it you will see problems, trust me i know. I never received lower than a B in my life until my attendance issues got me flunked out of a term. Being at the point i was in my depression i went to attempt to take my own life the next day because my anxiety and depression had progressed so severely from not dealing with the stress in my life, about my sexuality, and from the lies i wove around myself to cover it all up. Start dealing with stuff now. Talk to everyone about everything you feel comfortable talking about. And if you don't want to tell them specifics simply say there are serious issues and you don't want to talk about them with anyone but a therapist. I guarantee they sign you up.

[55butnotalive]

Thanks for letting me know you plan to take the steps! You'll probably feel like backing out right up until you say the words but once that bridge is crossed the road should get smoother - even if it feels bumpy at first. I am by no means saying you need to come out on top of everything else. Follow your heart. Above all, don't allow yourself to slip back into your current patterns - and if you do, try again. The only bad mistake is the one you don't learn from!

55bna

[Anonymous]

Been there, done that.

What I regret the most is not being able to finish college coz I felt that time was I need to experience hardships in life in order to appreciate it. There even came a time that I ran away from home just to justify to myself that what I have in my life (home and school) was very convinient, so I should be grateful for it.

Before you fix the problem, you need to fix yourself first. You need to focus on yourself and your family first before your lover. Then you should be able to think right. Good luck!

[55butnotalive]

OP, if you're still on this site, can you post an update - even if you weren't able to pull it together? Please let us know how it's going.