Should I send this letter to my friend? I want to but I am too scared she'll judge me

[Anonymous]

Sorry It's really long.
Dear Caroline,
You know how I’ve been sad in college? How I’ve been telling you about all the bad times I am having? Well I do have some legitimately good reasons for being as unhappy as I am. And you know I have been holding back on how bad things really are because I don’t want you worrying about me. I am sorry but many things in this letter may shock or hurt you, and that is not my intention. I just feel like I have been keeping so many secrets from you. And secrets tend to eat at me from the inside out, which is one of the many reasons I have been so unhappy lately.
Well I guess I’ll start from the beginning, tell you everything, just so you understand the magnitude of my situation. Well to tell you the truth it actually all started jr year of high school. That was the first year that I started to realize that I wasn’t normal, that I didn’t like boys the way girls were supposed to. I liked girls. I was gay. It was strange because at first I was fine with the idea of myself being gay. But then as I always do I overanalyzed the situation. I started thinking about all the people who would hate me before even getting to know me. All the people who would just hate the fibers of my being and tell me I was going to hell just because of this small part of me. I already feel miserable when I find out that someone dislikes me, just for something small I did. I know everyone can’t like me, but just to have so many people and so many groups hate me for just being gay, to hate me for being me. That just killed me inside. Not to mention so many religious groups telling me I am going to hell. Now I know you are not religious at all, but it’s difficult having the religion I have faithfully believed in tell me I am wrong. And that my god does not love me, even though his love is unconditional – supposedly.
Now those were just the seeds of my depression. In the middle of Sr. year it was actually worse. Because after my jr year depression spell I decided to deny the fact that I was a lesbian because it was all just too hard for me to deal with. Everything was too hard. But then at the beginning of senior year I realized that it was not something I could really deny for long. So I came out to you. But then I went through another depressed stage. I was so depressed about so many people and groups and religions hating me for who I was, and I could no longer recede into my cocoon of denial, because I had come out to you. A couple nights I was so depressed that I considered just ending it all. Not seriously, because that would require planning. But at that point I truly understood why so many LGBT teenagers commit suicide. So instead of ending it all I found another way to cope with life and all the hatred directed towards me.
I started cutting.
At first it was just little scratches, like from the tip of a sharpened pencil, but then I started using other things to inflict pain on myself. Just so I could forget about all the hatred people have towards gay people. At one point Kristi even noticed my scars, but luckily she believed my story that I had just cut myself shaving. My scars are in a convenient place.
After coming out to my family and Kristi. Things were better for a while. Because it was nice to know that some people don’t hate me. I stopped cutting at that point.
But then I went to college. And everything fell apart. All the security I had from my group of friends disappeared. I was alone and scared and my world started to crumble. My insecurities took over my life and people bullying me in college did not help. I wasn’t even bullied in high school, so I don’t know what happened.
Then I started cutting again. It was like falling back into old ways. But it was like a disease, it came back with a vengeance. One day I cut myself so bad that I was limping around for a couple days and couldn’t even go for runs.
But I was ashamed. I was ashamed of being depressed and my cutting. So I never told anyone what was going on with me. People just would look at me differently, just because I have so much more pain in my life then most people expect. Just because I am smiling and laughing does not mean I am truly happy.
Things fell apart more when I lost my first friend group from college. Since the bully girl wasn’t improving and my room mate didn’t like me, I had no choice but to leave them. But then I couldn’t find anyone else to hang out with because everyone already had their groups, everyone already had found their niche.
There were so many days where I felt so alone that I just wanted to die. My RA had a talk with me because she thought I was suicidal. I told her I wasn’t, but that was a lie. Still she managed to talk me out of it that one time. It helped to know that at least she cared. Maybe in a couple years time I will be happy she talked me out of it, but right now, all I feel is lonely and sad and empty.
I found some people that I enjoyed hanging out with, and they didn’t mind if I tagged along. But I seemed to just hang on the outskirts most of the time. It was no fault of theirs, but they just had already established themselves, so it was hard to join in. And me being shy already, made it even harder.
I am hoping next semester will be better. Next semester WILL be better. That’s what I keep telling myself at least, things have to get better. I have to have hope, because without hope, I don’t think I can survive.
Love me.

[Chouchou]

Judging from what you've said about her in the letter, she shouldn't be judgmental. After all, she does already know that you're gay, and you have told her about how you've been having a hard time in college. I'm sure she'll understand and show concern about why you've been keeping the true degree of your depressive and suicidal feelings from her.

Of course, I don't know her personality or background; those could factor into how she reacts to this letter. Upon giving her the benefit of the doubt, however, she will not judge you.

You should send the letter. Meanwhile, have you been seeking some professional help?

[Anonymous]

Op here, yes I have been thinking about seeking professional help, but it's just a bit scary. Going to therepy is scary.

[Anonymous]

I think you should send it to her if you really want. She may judge you a bit, but if she's your friend she will just want to help.

[Anonymous]

OP okay first of all just so you know, I did read Elenor's reply before it got deleted by the problems this website is having, and thatnk you elenor.
I ended up giving my friend a letter similar to the one above, but with noting about self harm on it. So it still got the same message across pretty much. She said she cried during it. Anyways I just thought I should update you all. Thank you!