laying it all on the line

[Anonymous]

So laying it all on the line seems to be the best way to go. I realize I could do this in the non-anonymous help area but I figure I will be more open and likely to be 100% honest if I post in this area -- so here is hoping. My thoughts are a bit scattered as always and not necessarily coherent so... suffice to say this may be a bit confusing but I will do my best to edit it after to reflect a somewhat intelligent post. Laid out as basic as possible, here is my dilemma;

My main question.

"Where to go from here?"

I have arrived in my mid-twenties and while with that came a lot of wanting to settle up lose ends. I am trying to pay off debts, I am trying to get back in better shape, I am trying to become a little more presentable (my room is always a disaster, I am also sometimes), etc, etc. The general things a 20-something guy tries to get into order.

"Why do I want to start to get my ducks in a row?"

Well, all in all.... I am kind of ready for someone to love. <INSERT SHOCK HERE> I have been pretty happy with the single life for the past 5 or 6 years of amazingness without the issues of relationships or potentials ever arising. I gleeful passed up any opportunities I had -- even if I thought I could get sex from it... to be drama free and have fun. I had enough of that with my long-term relationship in my teens to beginning of my twenties.

"So what is the issue with finding where to go from here?"

Well I have been confused about sexuality since I guess, a long time. I started as a boy knowing I was straight. I had my first girlfriend who I kissed constantly at 5. I started making out with girls heavily by like 11 and 12 and I was on the right path. Then I discovered porn and my body and surprise, surprise.... I had a bit of interest in not only the naked female bodies but the naked male bodies as well.

This of course caused me to "WHOA UP" on an sexual exploits with either sex until I figured it out... after all I didn't want to be embarrassed when things didn't go according to plan. So this remained for about 4-5 years. I was confused. Convinced I was gay and trying to hide it. It had to be true cause no straight guy would look at porn for the men right?

Well it seemed logical but then I was still attracted to women and wanted a relationship with one. Hmmm, that's weird right? Maybe I am in denial, maybe when it really, REALLY comes down to it... I won't be satisfied with it.

Then I get a girlfriend and once again to my surprise -- I am insanely attracted to every aspect of her. Like any 17 year old male I want to have sex about 100 times a day (I never made it there but my record was 8). I loved pleasuring her, I loved her body and most of all I loved her. I never looked back, I never had a though about men for the entirety of our relationship. It was like the gay had been cured out of me, or at least maybe I was just so attracted to her I didn't care for anyone else, male or female.

Well unfortunately that ended.

I started the single path again which I've been on like I mentioned since my early twenties. Now I started out again certain I was straight and then as time went on and I was alone longer I started drifting back to old habits of being attracted to men.

So since 2006-2007 I haven't had relations with men or women -- once again sort of abstaining.

This year I begin fooling around with males for the first time. At first it feels dirty and disgusting... then it feels pretty good.... then I am I begin to wonder if I could have a relationship with a guy. Maybe I was gay this whole time?

Not so fast.

I meet a guy... things are great. Sexual encounters are good, he's a sweet guy who is amazingly patient and is everything I think I would want in a man if I were to want a man.... I even have some real dates with him.... but then.

Nothing.

It kind of stops at the sexual attraction. It's like I want to build something there but it just doesn't feel natural and something about it feels off to me. And not like society off acceptance off. I walk down the street with him, in the gay neighborhood -- we go out on dates. I give him a kiss on the street good night.... just something mentally is off. It feels like I am forcing something I don't want.

So... Then what the hell? I am not straight but I am not gay. Ugh... I am bisexual, I am one of those ones who doesn't know what team to play for.

But then I regress. Really, if I honestly put it into words of how I feel.... I am just SEXUALLY perverse. As in I like sex, and all kinds of weird sex. Well not like wrong sex... but all kinds of sex.

When I was with women -- I was a bit promiscuous and experimental -- I got with men for that very reason, it felt a bit taboo and fun.

I don't like anything wrong or disgusting (ie child porn), but I get into some other pretty freaky stuff. So could that just be it -- I have this weird wild imagination of sex? It actually started before porn with my own fantasies. I mean generally people have a type but mine is literally like; straight, amateur, gay, bisexual, interracial, solo, older-daddy type porn, older women younger men porn, twinks, rough, soft, loving, etc, etc

Could this be what it really is? Cause mentally I am most linked to women, but then I have this kink that makes me want to please the occasional man on the off day. I don't know.

Is there any feedback? I read somewhere this WIDE variety of fantasy is very prominent in true bisexuals as they really are attracted to both -- I am just not sure how much of a fact that was.