Judged for changing too fast??

[Anonymous]

I am in a pretty good place right now I think. I am really glad I have edged out of the closet. Not everyone knows yet, but I don't mind if people know. But ... I am feeling a little nervous.

I am one of those people who didn't accept being a lesbian right away. Before I knew who I was, I subconsciously tried my best to fit in the the "norm". And when I acknowledged to myself I have "bisexual tendencies", I tried to ignore it. And when I finally came to the conclusion I was a lesbian, I consciously tried my very best to hide it and fit in.

Now that I am able to do what I want, I feel that the people around me are judging me for "changing" too fast. They are great friends and I don't want to make them uncomfortable, but they are making me uncomfortable/unsure. It's like they think that just because I have come out, I am putting on the act of doing sterotypic lesbian stuff... but in my mind, acting and pretending I was straight was the actual "acting". I am trying to learn my likes and dislikes from me and not the social rules. It feels like I am still required to follow rules others set ... or is this normal and that just the way it is?

Does anyone have any suggestions? Should I "discover" myself more slowly?

[Chouchou]

You should discover yourself at a pace you set, and with which you alone are comfortable. Like you said, it's not like you instantly began to do all this "lesbian stuff" the moment you figured out that you are a lesbian, and they are judging based on when they started noticing you doing things differently than before. Your straight friends obviously don't know what it's like feeling the need to hide their sexual orientation, since theirs is considered the "default", so they are not qualified to judge. To do so is a bit selfish, IMHO.

[Anonymous]

OP here...
I guess my topic is a little dumb... sorry
I'm thinking I am out, but not yet proud (maybe I'll get there eventually ... ). The people I've come out to have accepted quite well. But I am still very nervous about the reception if I start changing and descovering who i am. I mean one of the things I assured them was that I don't change, and our relationships won't change. But now I go on to acknowledge that I've been pretending I am someone I'm not for so long...

I am talking about the things that just seems really really silly and trivial, like what I'd wear, hair and behaviour. The little things I've learned to do. For example, heels... I hate wearing heels, but I have worn them becuase thats what I was "supposed" to do. And dresses ... I've always felt uncomfortable wearing that stuff, but I wear it anyway. And all those things I've been taught, like walking "girly" or something.

I'm writing this and I realize the obvious answer is to do whatever I want. I'm just not sure I'm ready handle people judging me. Do any of you guys ever get the comments/stares from friends or just strangers?

[DhammaGamer]

I felt that way and continue to feel that way since coming out. I'm trying to develop the "eff it" mentality and just be myself. If you lose friends in the process then they weren't very good friends to begin with, eh?

[maverick]

I understand exactly what you mean. I didn't come out to everyone as transgendered, but after I came out to my family (or a few weeks before, actually) I gutted my closet of feminine clothing, cut my hair short, began to carry myself differently, spoke differently. For me internally, it was kind of like an "Okay, that's it, the jig is up!" situation.

I'm sure for some people it seemed like I did a 180 in the course of a few months with regards to my physical appearance and even my personality in some aspects, because I became much more self-confident and friendly - when I was in the closet I was extremely withdrawn and shy, walled off. I wouldn't let myself become emotionally close to anyone (still won't to a large extent, actually...some psychological injuries run deep I guess).

After coming out, I started dressing how I wanted (like a male, naturally), did the things I wanted regardless of whether they were "gender-acceptable" or not, and basically just didn't care "who knew". It did wonders for my self-esteem.

I'm sure to some folks who had known me for years, this transformation seemed like I was putting on an act, like I was exaggerating my "gayness" in response to coming out, or being "militant", but the only reason I think it would be perceived that way is because straight people don't have the slightest understanding of what it's like to have to act straight.

They didn't understand that I wore blouses and high heels and makeup and jewelry as part of an elaborate ruse, that those were the parts of my life that I was exaggerating in an attempt to overcompensate for my true gender orientation.

But you know what? It wasn't my job to make them understand...and it's not yours either. They either accept you for who you are or they don't. If they are truly your friends, they will. If they don't, they aren't worth your friendship.

Either way, it's all on them...all you can do is be your kickass self, whoever that is. I say do whatever you like and let your friends sort themselves out. If anyone asks you about it, just tell them what you told us - you're not acting stereotypically gay, you were acting stereotypically straight.

[Bosco]

Yea I have to echo what the people above me have been saying.
What matters is that you're finally being comfortable with yourself and who you are. I mean sure, taking the time to try to get others to understand that you're just being genuine is great, but at the end of the day don't let the quick to judge get you down

Personally the clothing or accessories that my friends sometimes point out as 'so gay' happen to be things that I've owned for a few years now. I've always loved the way they looked but just never had the confidence to wear them until recently. :3

[mnguy]

Great job coming out You bring up a good point about how we say we're the same person we were b4 coming out, and we are, but now we want to be the real person we always were. So yea, we'll do and say stuff we hid b4, but those are probably minor things compared to the main characteristics that your friends knew about you when you were playing straight. Has anyone really said you're becoming too gay too fast? Good luck and hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Thanks!

Maverick: wow you described it better than I did. I am so impressed with your confidence and ability to come out and be comfortable with being who you are. I really hope that one day I would be strong and comfortable enough in myself to do it. I get nervous when I do even the slightest thing out of the norm or what people have come to expect is the norm for me. I've made slight adjustments or more like let go of some of the things that annoyed me the most to pretend (I thought that my reward for coming out would be to never subject my feet to any more heels). But, so far I havn't been able to bring myself to do the things I want. I am trying to be ok with what people think (I think its like an addiction). I guess I'm not ready to receive the double takes or "innocent" comments people didn't think were offensive.

Bosco: It's funny you say that cause actually have clothes I'd like to wear and stuff I'd do that I only do in the privacy of my own home.

Mnguy: I could be naive or something when I came out, even though it took a long time and a lot of internal dilemma. But I've recently realized that its really like coming out on a constant bases, and have gotten a little taste of some negative views. No one said exactly that I was becoming too gay too fast. I got asked why I want to do all this stuff and got "I know your gay and you've come out and I completely accept that. But you know you don't "have" to look gay to be gay. There are lesbians who look like they're straight". I understand she means well. But it feels like I am only acceptable as being a lesbian when I am obviously gay in tiny little dosages.