Sex, sexual orientation, and stereotyping

[Anonymous]

I was trying to have an early night and blatantly failed. For some reason I started feeling down. I think it's a combination of recent events leading to frustration and confusion on my part.

I am a girl. I am at university, 2nd year. In the past month I have had 2 one-night stands with 2 different guys. Before this I'd never had sex. I do not identify my sexual orientation with any specific label, but both times it felt really generic. I think I'm probably done with one night stands, but I am left thinking that no guy has ever given me better sex than I have given myself. I have no idea if it would be any different if I had sex with a girl instead of a guy, if any different at all. I wonder if this is just a thing about one night stands, that they are undoubtedly average.

I don't fit into boxes. I joined LGBT soc at university but don't really fit in there either. It's quite stereotyped there and, once again, I'm the girl that doesn't match the stereotype. I am very feminine and most people's first impression of me is that I am a straight girl. I don't know how to categorize my sexual orientation, only that I am definitely not straight. But then I get things like people questioning me after the one night stands - my friend stated after the first one, 'I thought you were a lesbian'. I've never specifically identified myself as a lesbian for as long as I've been at university but I'm worried that people assume that about me and then assume that I'm a liar by the fact that I've had sex with guys. Like, one of those attention seeking 'bisexual' girls who really isn't. Apparently I have a rep as 'the shit lesbian'. Oh dear.

I spend ages convincing myself not to care about what labels other people put on me. I tell myself, well, it would only matter if I was to be in a relationship with someone, because the only reason I would be in a relationship was if I liked that person. And that would be regardless of if they were male or female. I feel like a lot of people don't understand this. They don't get that I have completely lost the need to put myself into one of those neat little boxes. But sometimes I have days where I really wish I could fit into a box, because it would make my life so much easier. Some people can go through life saying 'I am definitely straight/gay/bisexual' - I'm one of those who can't. I kind of wish I could, even though I keep telling myself that if everyone fit into boxes, it would be boring.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I just needed to get stuff out I guess. Most people don't really know the kind of deep thoughts I have about the subject. Some of my friends probably wouldn't even understand (One of my close friends actually said once, 'Maybe you need to dress more gay' and, while he didn't mean bad, it definitely didn't help things).

As a last note, when I had sex with the 2nd guy I don't feel as though it went particularly well. For a couple of days after when I touched myself down there (and even during the sex actually) I was completely and utterly dry. I'm not sure what this means other than the fact that I must have been seriously not turned on by him. But to continue to be that dry for a couple of days after? I take it this is a normal thing?

[insidehappy]

you are perfectedly normal. you are fine how you are. you do not need to put yourself in a box. as far as the one night stands. my guess is taht you never had sex before, you have been able to have better sex alone. the one night stands were just that. one night stands. you didn't really know them so there was not intimacy. only physical lust/sex. it sounds as though you need more than that. so take them as lessons that "hmm, i dont like doing that" and you don't have to do that again. you can seek out a relationshp with whomeever you're attracted to and i bet you will find that the sex will be better. as far as people trying to peg you as a lesbian or the "shit lesbian" as you say, just focus on you finding love where you feel like you want it. you do not owe them an explanation and you do not have to continue to date girls or decide not to date girl or guys just to make them happy

Hi,

I'm new to this site but came across your post and thought I'd reply.

I have spent most of my life worrying about what others think and say and always would put others before myself even when I was at my lowest. This has been to do with most things, not necessarily to do with sexuality as I've not experienced many comments to do with that because like you, I'm feminine and wouldn't really consider myself as appearing stereotypically lesbian. I'm not even sure if I am a lesbian to be honest but anyway, what I'm trying to say is there is no need to worry about what others think or label you. It took me a long time to realise this but once you do, you'll feel a lot better and more free to move on with your life in whatever way you choose. You're the only person that really matters as it is always you that you're going to be around so making yourself happy is whats most important. If that means experimenting with your feelings and seeing what makes you most happy then I'd recommend that is what you do. As for the one night stands, I wouldn't worry too much about that either as they are what they are, one night stands. They usually lack the emotion which might come with sex in a relationship so don't place too much significance with your lack of interest in them. Just see how it goes and I guess just use time to see how you feel and realise who you are..

I say all this as if its really easy but it isn't by no means. I find it difficult to follow my own advice even but I'm sure that one day you will be totally comfortable and confident with who you are, it'll just take time..

[Anonymous]

Hello, this is the OP here. Thank you both for the replies.

One of my biggest downfalls is my tendency to put myself down. I think this is a learned behaviour from being quite introverted during my school years and, consequentially, only making a few friends and struggling to fit in with social groups. This has changed a lot since I've arrived at university and I am now a lot more confident and outgoing than I used to be. That said, I still sometimes put myself down about things and talk myself down around other people.

I find both of your replies quite assuring. You both said things like 'You're completely normal' and 'You don't need to fit into boxes' - these are things that I must have told myself a thousand times over already. So, in my conscious mind I know these things, but in my subconscious I still have that yearning to have it easy and be able to define myself directly.

It's more like, I know what your'e saying is true, but what can I do about it that isn't just telling myself that over and over again while still feeling the opposite deep down?