Guy In Late Twenties - Ready To Come Out

[Anonymous]

First I want to say I am glad to have found this site. I figured I would tell you a little bit about myself.

I am in my late twenties and I am lucky enough to live in a gay friendly city. Please note that I moved here and this is not where my family lives. I will be honest, I have not really dated anyone or been in any serious relationships with anyone. It has taken me a long time, but I have finally accepted that I am gay and I am OK with it. I have not come out to anyone.

I think certain people have suspected. A couple of times that I have been asked. I have always denied it. One time I did say I was not sure. Another time I said I was Bi as I did not want to say I was gay. Since coming to terms with it, I have told myself if someone asks, I will not deny it any longer.

Since I am ready to come out, I have set a couple of questions. I am curious for anyone's feedback, advice or even encouragement or support.

1. How To Tell The Family
I want to come out to my immediate family (parents) first, even though they are the most challenging people to come out to. I want them to hear it from me and I would like to do it in person. However I am not sure how they will react and I want to make sure I am able to say what I need to say without tearing up or being interrupted. I will be honest I am not sure how they will react.

I already wrote a letter to them. I just have not had the courage to send it as I prefer to do it in person. If I had a kid that was gay, I would want them to be able to tell me in person. I am close with my parents but we kinda don't talk about this kind of stuff.

So I guess, for those that came out in person, do you wish you did it via a letter instead? And the opposite those that did it via a letter or email do wish you did in person? I thought about email but I think that it is just too impersonal. I also thought about doing it via a video and then calling them and telling them that I have something to tell them and sending them a link. But I think they would want to be in the same room with me.

Since I no longer live at home or in the same city. Telling them in person, is not the easiest. I do not want to do it over a holiday, as I do not want my "coming out" to be associated with a holiday. I figured I would make a weekend trip home and make a point to give them a letter. I just know the rest of the weekend will be very awkward for all. I don't want to do it too soon when I arrive home and I do not want to do it right before I leave as I feel that it is just cold.

Also I am curious if any of how gave yourself a deadline to come out to anyone? I will come out by so and so date. If so how did that work out for you?

2. Dating
In my opinion I feel I cannot date anyone until I come out at least to my immediate family. I feel in order to date I need to be living an honest and open live. Because I am sure the question will come up on the date, how did you parents accept you being gay, especially since I am in my late twenties.

I am ready to date and I plan on doing the online dating profile (Match or OKCupid) as I am not really a bar type of person even though there are gay bars in my city. Any other advice on how to meet guys?

3. Coming Out To Others
After I come out to my parents, I think I will make an effort to tell extend family and close friends. Other people I will let it happen naturally. I would just rather people hear it from me rather then through a grapevine.

4. Did I come out too late.
I feel like coming out in my late twenties puts me behind in a lot aspects. However, I think people will just have to accept this is who I am and I am finally comfortable with who I am.

Thank you for reading this, I truly appreciate it. Just writing this helped me a lot. I look forward to any advice anyone has.

[Chouchou]

1. I have not come out to any of my family members, so I cannot share any experiences, but I can tell you from experience that no matter how much you prepare for these emotionally-charged events, oftentimes your resolve or composure will crumble once the time comes for you to face them. It's not to say that trying to prepare yourself emotionally beforehand is pointless, but you should be prepared for the possibility that you might get emotional anyway. As for interruptions, you can tell your gathered family members immediately beforehand not to interrupt before you've said everything you wanted to say. Tell them that you'll answer any questions they may have after you're done.
   
   As for the letter, I've heard many people mention that they handed the letter to their family member(s) immediately before coming out. It's probably best to do it this way, as they will probably have many questions they'll be itching to ask, and coming out to them immediately after handing them the letter will afford you a great opportunity to answer many of those questions before they're even asked, and immediately after you've given them some context.
   
   I have given myself a deadline for coming out to my parents: when I get a FT job. That way, if the worst case scenario happens and they cut me off, I will be able to fend for myself. This hasn't happened yet, so for the time being, I'm hiding it from them as best I can.
   
2. Since you live in a gay-friendly city, you may look into visiting an LGBT community center, joining outreach groups, or even participating in pride events that you can take advantage of in order to meet new people. Luck plays into everything, though, so you might end up meeting your future partner at a place that you least expected to, or when you were not even looking in earnest.
   
3. I agree that it's better for people to hear the truth "straight from the horse's mouth", so to speak, rather than from the grapevine. It's best for people to know on your terms, and not on others', who might not have your best interests in mind.
   
4. It's not too late. People have come out in their forties, fifties, and possibly later. It's true that some people came out in their teens or possibly even earlier, but circumstances differ, and there's no age at which you're "expected" to come out. You only come out when you're good and ready, and that can be at any age.

[Anonymous]

Chouchou - Thank you for taking the time to post. It really means a lot to me. You really validate that you are never truly alone and that people care. Good luck coming out to your parents.

[insidehappy]

first of all, yuou're going to make someone a very happy guy.

second. here are my thoughts.

1. coming out to parents. have you considered phone? its like being there but if things get weird you can exit. the problem with coming out to mom and dad via phone is that it may get emotional and that's a hard phone call. the letter thing is cool. you can try sending it and talking to them on the phone about it. you can also talk to them about it when you come home (non holiday). if you live far away and it's not cost effective for you to plan a trip for this alone, then maybe i would suggest a letter and call. the problem with teh letter is they may think you are in danger or hurt or sad or potentially suicidal so it could be alarming to get this out of the blue. my gut suggest that maybe just calling them wuld be good.

dating: i have not been successful with this, so i will let other comment but you're totally going about it the right way, when you come out to others, they will know others and you can meet people that way. bars and clubs aren't exactly great places but everyoen that goes tehre doesn't just want sex but many do. just like a straight places too. my guess is going positive lgbt groups, volunteer stuff, etc. you will meet people that are of a different caliber there.

did you come out to late: goodness know. im almost 40 and i'm still not as brave as you yet. you're fine. if someone says "you should have figured it out by now" then screw them. they are clrearly not anyone that you would want to be with. good people will understand and give you pointers. you are doing this at a great time. right when you are ready.

[Chouchou]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

Chouchou - Thank you for taking the time to post. It really means a lot to me. You really validate that you are never truly alone and that people care. Good luck coming out to your parents.

Thank you!

I should've said this earlier, but...best of luck to you as well.

[elohim2010]

Hi friend,

I hope my story can be of some help to you . . . feel free to ask questions.

I came out to my parents toward the end of last year. I was 27. I live in Atlanta, which is pretty gay friendly for the south. My point is, it's never too late.

I came out over the telephone to them. For one reason, my family lives in a different state than I do, so telling them in person would be difficult since I am not home that much. Like you, I wouldn't want to steal the thunder of a holiday. Secondly, I don't know if I would have had the courage to come out in person. Ideally, it would have been nice. But for me, I worked up the nerve and courage to finally say to myself, "I'm going to come out to my family." That was a big step for me. So while the momentum was going, I made the call and did it. If I had waited until going home again at Thanksgiving or Christmas or some other time I would have seen them in person, I don't know if I would have. Whether you come out in person or by letter or by e-mail or by phone, remember you are still coming out regardless and it still is a major act of courage on your part.

My partner and I have been together for six years. We have lived together for almost three. He was out at the time, I was not. We told my parents we were "roommates." I figured I would come out once I graduated from graduate school and we both moved to the next place we would live together. My hand was forced for coming out, and so instead of letting someone else out me, I did it myself. Again, it would have been better on my terms, and it ended up that it was. But there wasn't really a time line.

And when I did tell them, the responses were positive, they had already long suspected, and they care about and respect my partner. I think they saw through our "roommate" story. Why else would my "roommate" have moved to Atlanta with me? Because we are best friends?!?! It helped that they got to know him first--no questions asked. That helped then with them accepting him as my partner. My family had given signs all along that they were okay with homosexuality based on television shows they told me they watched, conversations we have had about politics, discussions about religion, etc. The signs were in front of my face, but part of me had always been afraid--what if. What if they reject me. So needless to say, I am financially independent of them, just in case. But all is well.

There's no timeline you have to set for yourself. It might even put unnecessary pressure on yourself. You have to weigh each person and situation differently. In some cases you move quicker, some slower. You come out at your own pace. A timeline might help you keep going with the coming out process. But I don't know if I would want a timeline set, and then a date pass and you not come out, and you feel like you failed. Coming out is a life long process.

I met my partner as an undergraduate. College is certain an option if you are in college. But since you are in your late 20s, I am guessing that it is not. If you are part of a church or faith community, those are options. There are also LGBT sports leagues you can join to meet folks. Book clubs. Coffee houses. Art classes. There are a whole host of places to meet LGBT folks. You are not limited to the bar or club scene. I'm not a circuit boi by any means, but I do like to go to a gay bar or club 3 or 4 times a year with gay friends just to go out and have some "stereotypical" fun. It's like an itch that needs to be scratched. And it's good to be in community.

I don't think late 20s is too late by any means. You have accepted who you are. You are ready to be your true self. That takes time. You can really life and be who you are now. We've all been there, some younger and some older than you, but we have all been there. People need to be patient and understanding. Explore, have fun, be safe in every respect. When you do find you a guy to date, if he really cares about you he will be understanding and patient (same with friends), and if you want to wait about being sexually active, if he cares he will understand as well.

I hope that this has helped some. I am so glad that you have come to accept who you are and are ready to come out. Best of luck. If you have any questions or need clarification, please respond or follow-up. Keep us posted on how things go.

[Anonymous]

Hi - I figure I would give you my story in the hopes that it helps as well.

I too, live a few hours away from family and thought it was important to tell them in person but I didnt want to ruin a holiday. So I made a few random trips to my family's without a plan. This did not go some well- I chickened out the 1st time and the second time - I blurted it out in a shopping plaza parking lot! In retrospect - its kinda of funny. But I wish I had prepared a letter to go along with it. My advise - you owe it to yourself to do it in person if at all possible, but have a plan and a letter!

As far as a deadline - no I didn't have one. I wanted to be the one that told them, but because we live so far apart - I had the luxury of telling a few very close friends first. For me I had to build up the strength to tell the family - I needed the support of my friends. Your timeline should be when your ready.

As far as dating, I wasn't out when I started dating. In fact, it was my relationship (or rather my desire to share him with the rest of my life - and vise verse) that lead me to come out.

As to where to meet other than bars?? Get involved in your city's Pride event, or LGBT center events, do an internet search and see if your city has a gay sports league or book club (depending on your interest).

Coming out to others- I made a small list of people I thought were important enough in my life to hear from me. In honesty, I didn't really care how anyone else found out. I did have one person who was upset that I didn't tell him and made in hindsight - my list should have been a little bit bigger.

Is it too late???? Heck no ( I just said Heck - LOL)! It look me until I was in my mid 30's to accept myself. Do I wish I had done so earlier - sure. But I didn't so I can't play with cards I wasn't dealt, if you know what I mean.

Good luck!!

[nydtc]

Hi - I figure I would give you my story in the hopes that it helps as well.

I too, live a few hours away from family and thought it was important to tell them in person but I didnt want to ruin a holiday. So I made a few random trips to my family's without a plan. This did not go some well- I chickened out the 1st time and the second time - I blurted it out in a shopping plaza parking lot! In retrospect - its kinda of funny. But I wish I had prepared a letter to go along with it. My advise - you owe it to yourself to do it in person if at all possible, but have a plan and a letter!

As far as a deadline - no I didn't have one. I wanted to be the one that told them, but because we live so far apart - I had the luxury of telling a few very close friends first. For me I had to build up the strength to tell the family - I needed the support of my friends. Your timeline should be when your ready.

As far as dating, I wasn't out when I started dating. In fact, it was my relationship (or rather my desire to share him with the rest of my life - and vise verse) that lead me to come out.

As to where to meet other than bars?? Get involved in your city's Pride event, or LGBT center events, do an internet search and see if your city has a gay sports league or book club (depending on your interest).

Coming out to others- I made a small list of people I thought were important enough in my life to hear from me. In honesty, I didn't really care how anyone else found out. I did have one person who was upset that I didn't tell him and made in hindsight - my list should have been a little bit bigger.

Is it too late???? Heck no ( I just said Heck - LOL)! It look me until I was in my mid 30's to accept myself. Do I wish I had done so earlier - sure. But I didn't so I can't play with cards I wasn't dealt, if you know what I mean.

Good luck!!

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to thank all of you for your support and sharing your experiences. It really means a lot to me. Everyday I am become more comfortable with who I am. It has been a long and hard process, but I think I will be much happier living more openly.

Originally Posted by insidehappy

first of all, yuou're going to make someone a very happy guy.

Thank you insidehappy...this made me smile. I am sure you will make someone happy as well! I know dating will not be easy at first but I am looking forward to it.

Originally Posted by elohim2010

There's no timeline you have to set for yourself. It might even put unnecessary pressure on yourself....

Thank you for this...I loved this...thinking about it more as a timeline rather then giving myself a deadline. I will definitely follow this advice. I am glad to hear your family was accepting. I am really not sure how mine will react. I think they may have suspected but I think they are in denial or do not want it to be true. It will take them a long time to grasp and hopefully accept. I guess I just have to accept that and give them their space to process.

Originally Posted by nydtc

My advise - you owe it to yourself to do it in person if at all possible, but have a plan and a letter!

As of now I think I am going to try and do in person. I am going to try and plan a trip home in February if I can work into my schedule. I just try and think if I was in their shoes, I would want my son to tell me in person. No matter what it will be a challenging conversation. But a conversation that I think it is important to have. I will also have a letter as well, just as backup or in addition to the conversation.

Thanks again for all the support. Really do appreciate it!

[Anonymous]

You are welcome! I hope everything goes well. Please keep us updated.

[elohim2010]

You are welcome! I hope everything goes well. Please keep us updated.

[nydtc]

You're welcome! Anytime... please keep us posted on how it goes.
Best of luck!

[Lexington]

A bit late to this ballgame, but I'll throw in my two pennies, anyway.

1. I understand and appreciate your desire to come out to your family in person. The only reason I'd argue against it (mildly) in your case is that the distance sort of forces it to become sort of a "production". I'm wondering if doing it over the phone might accomplish the same thing, without having to do a "gathering together". You can always do a three-way phone call if that would make things easier.

2. I came out when I was in my early twenties, and it went fine. My parents had a long night's discussion, but came to the conclusion that I was what I was, and they've been nothing but supportive since.

As far as meeting gay guys, here's what I suggest - go where the gay guys are. That doesn't necessarily mean you have to go to the gay bars, though. Since your city is "gay-friendly", it presumably has a "gay-area". Art galleries, small boutiques, coffee shops, bookstores. Go swing by, chat with people, look at bulletin boards. You might also pick up a copy of the gay alt-weekly (most cities have one, and are available at the places I suggest above). Peruse it and see if there's any gay groups getting together that might interest you. Or do an online search. "gay (your city) (activity)". Feel free to look for gay biking groups, or gay volleyball league, or gay volunteer groups. You're bound to find something appealing.

4. No, it's not too late. Later is too late. Now is the perfect time.

Lex

[adam88]

Ill add my own two cents in here...

I came out to my mother (only surviving parent) at 27. No time is too late to start living your life as you are. See my sig for a Lord of the Rings take on it.

As for dating, just have fun! Me, I'm extremely shy in certain situations, so I went for online dating - that way I could chat with someone via PMs for a while first, and get to know them. Now I've been with my boyfriend since August.

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to provide an update as everyone has been the most helpful here on EC.

I just got off the phone with my Mom. I have been hinting that I wanted to come home for a weekend soon and have been inquiring about my parents schedules, etc. When I first brought it up, she appeared she did not want me to come home. This is totally out of her character as she normally would love to have me home.

I guess I have been persistent enough, she stated tonight, "it seems you want to come home and tell us something." I said I am not sure, and then eventually said yes after she repeated the question for the third time. She asked what do I want to tell them and I just replied, I would rather do it in person.

She then asked if I was bringing anyone with me. I said no.

They odd question she asked was, "will we be happy with it?" I just replied I hope so.

After I hung up the phone, I almost felt sick to my stomach asking myslelf what am I doing, as all of it is becoming very real. I started questioning everything. Fear and many emotions running through my head. After 15 minutes of being somewhat paralyzed, I just kept telling myself to breath, it will all be ok. I also thought about delaying it longer, but then I convinced myself not to delay it any longer.

It will certainly be some interesting phone conversations until I get home next.

I just have to keep telling myself, keeping breathing it will be ok.

[Lexington]

As you pointed out, taking steps like this can be very difficult. You're in that "no backsies" area, where you can't simply "delete the porn and continue on as straight". But it sounds like you're ready to take that step, so I'm glad you're moving forward. Did you actually pick a time to come home yet?

Lex

[Mlpguy88]

It's great that your ready to do this, I'm really happy for you.

Keep us posted, and if you need support, remember that we are all here for you

[Anonymous]

Thanks Lex & Mlpguy88. Your replies mean a lot and provide great comfort during this time.

I have not set a formal time to come home yet. I am hoping this upcoming weekend as I just want to move on and start living more openly. However, it will largely depend on the weather.

I am definitely in the "no backsies" area with the goal is just keep moving on step by step and hopefully sooner rather then later.

Thanks again and I will keep you all posted as I do not know if I could be taking these steps without the supportive EC community.

[Anonymous]

OP Here - Assuming That Means Original Poster - I am sorry as I am not down with messaging / texting lingo.

I apologize in advance that this will probably be long. I wanted to provide an update and I am somewhat torn on what to do and I am seeking advice.

If you have been following along, I was fairly adamant, even though we live in different cities. that I wanted to come out to my parents in person. We live close enough that a weekend trip is doable but it still takes a decent amount of effort. To me it just felt like the right thing to do it in person. I have not come out to anyone yet and I wanted my parents to be the first and hear it from me. As I felt they deserved that respect.

This past weekend I had a conversation with my Mom and she finally understood that I wanted to come home to talk about something. There were a couple of questions back and forth. I never said the words, "I am gay", but from some of the questions, I am 90% sure, she put it together.

Almost everyday I talk to at least one of my parents. It is probably split 50-50 on who calls who (me or them). The next day after my awkward conversation, I told myself that I was going to let them call me next. I felt I gave them heavy news last night without formally saying it and it may take time for them to process it. I wanted to make sure I gave them the space they may need. It was almost evening time and neither parent called. It was literally one of the longest days of my life. The thought that I would never speak to my parents again did cross my mind. Eventually they called we had a conversation about "the weather" and almost pretended the prior nights conversation did not happen. I did not bring it up. Neither did they.

Most of the conversations since have gone on about "the weather" and the topic of coming home has not really come up. It did come up once and my Mom, just suggested I wait until I was home in April. I think partly because she does not want to accept the news. However, there is 10% of me that thinks maybe she has not put it together.

However, my Mom makes sure to end every conversation that she Loves Me, before I hang up the phone. She use to say it before the awkward conversation but not all the time, I think she is making an effort to say it. So that says she has put the puzzle together, but I still have some doubts.

I tried to broach the topic tonight about coming home this weekend, she again just said, "let's wait to April." I kinda of caved and said I will not come home this weekend, which is fine, since the weather is not suppose to cooperate too well.

To me I just want to get this behind me and move on. Hence I have been so adamant about coming home. As when I started this process and made the decision to come out, I told myself this will allow me to "formally" move forward.

In some ways I feel I have accomplished this, without truly coming out and saying, "I am Gay."

Part of me feels that I can wait until April to have the "in person" conversation with my parents. Yes, it is reneging on my wish of not wanting to upset a holiday, but I say so be it at this point. Coming home just to have this discussion is a big production and may blow it out to something that it does not need to be.

If you were in my shoes, would you just wait until April? Stick with your gut and make a separate trip home? Do it over the phone, just to get it over with?

Also for those that did not come out to your parents in person, do you wish you did do it in person, rather then letter or phone call?

I am just dreading that if I wait to April and the 10% scenario of my Mom not putting it together is true. Then it will truly be an even more difficult conversation much more difficult then then one I am envisioning since I broke the ice already.

I recognize that you get no do overs with this, but I think as much as you plan, coming out has to be a fluid process and you have to adapt your plan.

I am not sure what exactly I will say to them, during my in person conversation with them. I have a letter written and I think I would just read it to them in person, whenever that time happens.

I originally felt that I needed to be out to my parents before I could even attempt to start dating, etc. As I wanted to have an answer to the question, how did you family react when you came out? Does this even come up on first dates? I recognize I need to get a date first. One step at a time.

However, after I had the awkward conversation this weekend with my Mom, I feel I no longer need the formal conversation with my parents to move forward, start dating, exploring, etc. I guess the hardest part is coming out to yourself, especially if you have repressed or ignored those feelings for many years.

The last few days since the awkward conversation, I will be honest I have had some brief moments of doubts "am I really gay?" cross my mind. However, I quickly chalked that up as fear. After I thought about it, I determined that there is no doubt. I just have never explored that side and just have repressed those feelings my entire life.

A big thanks goes to anyone you read all of this. Not only does writing help me process this complex stage in my life, but the EC Community has been nothing but welcoming and so helpful. I do not think I could get through it with out you guys. Thanks for all the advice, comments and support. Very much appreciated.

[elohim2010]

Original Poster,

Some of your situation sounds similar to mine. Parents, especially mothers, are pretty perceptive. She already knew/strongly suspected that I was gay before I came out. She even told me, but also told me that she didn't feel like it was her business to ask. While I can't say for certain that your mother knows, I suspect that she does know or is at least suspicious.

I also think that you are at the that point of know return. They know that you have something important to tell them. Whether you do that in person or over the phone is your decision. While my parents and me live in two different cities and I would have had to wait to tell them until Thanksgiving or Christmas, I am glad I did it over the phone. I just don't know if I could have done it in person. It take courage. A lot of courage. The phone shielded me a bit. One option would be to tell them over the phone, and then have a more in-depth, heart-to-heart actually in person. This way, the news is already broken, it's off your chest, it gives them time to process what you told them, and that way you get a feel for how they react before seeing them in face-to-face. I do applaud you for having a letter written. I think that is wise to have your thoughts collected and coherent. Again, coming out is emotion and can be scary. If you tell them over the phone it can serve as your script. If in person, again, script that you can read to them.

I think it is telling that your mom makes clear that she says that she loves you. My partner accidentally outed me to my parents. He called my old cell phone number and left a very revealing voice mail. My old number is the number my mom uses. So, needless to say, she got the message, but we never talked about it. When we addressed it, she said that she was simply worried about me in the sense of why my "roommate" would be calling--she didn't know if I was in the hospital or sick or whatever. Regardless, we danced around the elephant in the room, but she was good about it. I should have taken the opportunity to tell her then, but didn't. Regardless, I talk to my parents pretty frequently on the phone. With that phone call in particular, my mom made clear to really emphasize "I love you." when she said it. That message my partner left probably told her everything she needed to hear. Still, when I told my parents they were fine about it.

Blessings, my friend! You can do this! You should already be proud that you're a gay man and of how far you have already come! Keep going! Remember, we have all been there before, and there is life outside of the closet! Press on and keep us posted of things!