Straight in denial?

[Anonymous]

Well Ive been brought up around some of the most accepting, non-homophobic people you could hope to meet (family, friends, etc) yay me! OK, so there are a few people out there who Id prefer didnt think I was gay, but on the whole, I don't expect that my orientation would ever cause me much trouble, at least at this point in my life.

Given this, does it sound plausable that Id unintentionally talk myself into thinking I was gay? For one, Ive had a messy history with girls, and I suspect that that might have had some influence on my turning towards guys. Since then, Ive told a number of people that I thought I was gay, so trying not to look like an attention-whore could be another motive for me "faking-gay."

Ive tried all the usual advice - wait, masterbate... not dating since I dont really know many non-straight guys yet. I thought for sure I was gay or maybe bi for a while, and now Im doubting it all over again. If I look at straight porn I usually start to get turned on a little off the bat, but it doesnt really go very far. I can feel that I dont want or expect to like it though, so maybe my attitude is screwing things up. I feel like I wouldnt want to be with or do anything with the girl, even though Im a little physically attracted. With gay porn, it only sometimes turns me on without me having to get myself into it a little, but once I do I enjoy it a lot, and dont have any problems staying aroused.

I know you can't tell me 100% if Im gay or straight... but does it seem like something I should still be worried about?

[Chip]

You can't really talk yourself into being gay any more than you can talk yourself into being straight.

So the question is... where do your attractions lie? When you're walking down the street, what catches your eyes? Guys? Girls? Both? When you fantasize about being with someone, is it a guy or a girl? When you masturbate, who are in the fantasies? Guys or girls? both?

You mentioned watching straight porn and it not doing much for you, what about gay porn? Does it excite/arouse you? bore you? revulse you? simultaneously arouse and revulse you?

Those questions, answered honestly, should help you understand yourself. If you can answer them here, it's a lot easier to help you clarify what's going on for you.

[Anonymous]

do not use porn as a barometer. you may not just be into porn period. the best barometer is your innerself. how do you feel when a girl you think is attractive walks by? how do you feel when an attractive guy does the same thing? who do you fantasize about being with, cuddling with, or making out with? if you were feeling down and you could have someone that romantically loved you to come over and hold you and cuddle with you and spend time with you to make you feel better, who would that be.. a girl or guy. you do not have to answer these thigns here but just answer them for yourself and itwill help you know what you are more attracted to.

[Anonymous]

OP here:

First off, thanks to you guys so much for responding! I don't know if this is worth clarifying or if I made this clear enough already.

I guess my new question should be this: is it really not possibile to psychologically talk yourself into doing a lot of the things you guys were talking about? Fantasizing for example. If I do it, Im conscious of which gender Im thinking about, and the repercussions of actually being attracted to that gender, so theres just as much pressure on me to be attracted or not as with anything else. Because of that I tend to have a hard time sticking with a single straight-forward storyline, if you understand me, and I get confused as to what actually turns me on.

I probably sound like Im trying way to hard to make myself sound straight here. What Im really concerned with is not being that guy who claims to be gay for a while, then starts dating girls again, and everyone says he was just looking for attention.

I dont know, maybe Im just ignoring your very good advice, in which case I have nothing to worry about. Id love to believe that. Does what Im still questioning make sense, or am I just being neurotic?

[toremi]

This sounds familiar to me because I felt this way as well at one point.

I had curiosities when I was a young teen and then they went away when I finally got in a relationship with a girl I loved very much. Fast forward a few years and a lot of love and hurt later. She dumps me like yesterdays trash out of nowhere and I was broken for a long period of time. I slowly started to go back to being attracted to men as well and I wondered whether or not it was me giving up on the straight life and just saying to hell with it.

Anyway that being said I think it was in me the whole time to like both genders; male and female. I think my mind had always just been open that way.

Do I think it is possible for a straight person to convince themselves they are gay? Definitely. People can become confused for various different reasons. There is a woman in our town who is gay now and is so by choice because of a mentally and physically abusive relationship she had with a man. But prior to that she was very straight; now she is very gay. A life event changed her perspective.

Also, I don't know how old you are but when my little brother was in HS just a couple years ago there was a huge "coming out party" of sorts where the younger generation became very accepting of being homosexual. I hate to put it this way but a lot of them looked at it as a fad, more so girls than guys though. So a lot of kids my brothers age when they were in grade 9-11 were defining themselves as gay and being in relationships when really it was just an attention thing. Fast forward to the present and a good majority of them are back in straight relationships with no signs of the past (there was also a big goth movement and they were all into that as well; a good majority of them have slipped out of that as well) So I think it is possible if you are young and are in that sort of situation you could maybe get confused? But it would depend on the person I guess.

At the end of the day your mind can pretty much make you believe anything about yourself. So there is the truth, what you really are and what you really feel and then there is the tricks your mind may play on you. So just as some gay people's mind try to make them believe they are straight, although I am sure it less frequent and less likely, a straight persons mind could try to convince them they are gay.

So like everyone says above try and find what you are actually naturally attracted to. Try to weed out any thoughts of why it matters to be one orientation or the other and just pay attention to what your body actually wants. It's a difficult thing to do I am sure but you will get there. Also don't worry about defining yourself for anyone else or at any certain time. If you are a guy who comes out as gay and then you decide 2 years from now you are really straight -- your business, period. Sexuality is fluid and a change like that could happen naturally. I am great friends with a girl from highschool who was very much a lesbian from the time she was 12 till she was 26. She was out to everyone since she was 15 and accepted and in long term relationships with women on and off during a ten year span. She just met a man, fell in love and she is now engaged and happier than I have ever seen her. Was she just being a lesbian for attention? Nope! She just allowed herself to love who she wants to love!

[Chip]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

I guess my new question should be this: is it really not possibile to psychologically talk yourself into doing a lot of the things you guys were talking about? Fantasizing for example. If I do it, Im conscious of which gender Im thinking about, and the repercussions of actually being attracted to that gender, so theres just as much pressure on me to be attracted or not as with anything else. Because of that I tend to have a hard time sticking with a single straight-forward storyline, if you understand me, and I get confused as to what actually turns me on.

This is exactly what makes it complicated to figure things out. It does sound perhaps part of you would rather be straight (forgive me if I'm misreading that) and if that's the case, then of course your mind is working overtime to find justifications... and that commonly happens just as people are ready to fully accept and embrace themselves.

So to try and answer your question... I go back to what I said before. Even though you know that you're observing what your fantasies are, you can certainly be aware of what excites you more. I mostly disagree with the member who said porn isn't a reliable indicator; while there are some people who aren't at all turned on by porn, the overwhelming majority of people will experience some sort of arousal to one form of porn or another, and it's usually pretty obvious whether your arousal is stronger to gay porn, or to straight porn. If it's ambiguous, you can usually get a clearer answer by looking at girl-girl porn (which is nearly 100% aimed at heterosexual men). If that does absolutely nothing for you, then you are probably not attracted to girls. Likewise... where your eyes are drawn on the street or in the mall or at school or wherever is a pretty reliable indicator.

So, when you look at those factors, without trying to second-guess yourself, what does it tell you?

[Anonymous]

Thanks again guys! toremi, some of what you said really really sounded like what I've been experiencing, so thank you for giving me that. It looks like you're still a little unsure about things based on your orientation status, but it sounds like you've gotten things figured out at least a little more thna i do, and that helps.

Chip, thanks to you too! Again! As far as preferring to be straight, if some part of me does, its a secret part of me that I don't know about. I suppose thats possible, but being gay would mostly just be a relief right now. What you said about porn is interesting though. I've never liked girl on girl porn. I figured a lesbien couple is something I'll never be involved in so why creep on them, hehe. I'm very relationship oriented, even when looking at porn, so I dont usually like it unless the parties involved are sincerely enjoying themselves. Idk, most straight girls dont like male gay porn so this didnt seem weird to me until now. But maybe this is an indicator of some sort?

[peanutbutter]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

Thanks again guys! toremi, some of what you said really really sounded like what I've been experiencing, so thank you for giving me that. It looks like you're still a little unsure about things based on your orientation status, but it sounds like you've gotten things figured out at least a little more than i do, and that helps.

Chip, thanks to you too! Again! As far as preferring to be straight, if some part of me does, its a secret part of me that I don't know about. I suppose thats possible, but being gay would mostly just be a relief right now. What you said about porn is interesting though. I've never liked girl on girl porn. I figured a lesbien couple is something I'll never be involved in so why creep on them, hehe. I'm very relationship oriented, even when looking at porn, so I dont usually like it unless the parties involved are sincerely enjoying themselves. Idk, most straight girls dont like male gay porn so this didnt seem weird to me until now. But maybe this is an indicator of some sort?

I can relate a bit with the statement "as far as preferring to be straight, if some part of me does,it's a secret part of me that that I don't know about" I don't look at porn because it's to purposeful and not natural. It's just sleazy unlike a romantic movie. Sincerity means a lot to me.