Bi or Lesbian?

[Anonymous]

I really want to talk to someone that really understands me. I get tired of being told to read the Book of Mormon over and over again. I put a post before, but it got deleted when the forum was down. There's a whole lot of backstory here.
I am a bisexual female, but I am questioning whether I am into guys at all. I am also LDS, born and raised. My whole family is, including distant relatives, but my father's side is inactive--that is, they don't go to church ever or practice mormonism and haven't since he was a kid. My mother and father are very devout, though, and so are my two sisters, who both live in Idaho and go or went to BYU-Idaho, which is too far away to put their religious influence on me anymore. I also have a brother with asperger's syndrome that goes only to sacrament meetings, because he doesn't "understand" or need to go to any other church activities. I also have another younger brother and younger sister that are both went inactive recently. Lucky them. The reason that I still go to church is because of pressures from my parents and because I am on my best behavior so that they will let me move away from home.
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was fifteen when I started to lose my sanity due to the fact that I was overcompensating for my attraction to women by taking difficult classes and joining all the clubs and even doing a sport. I first realized that my attraction to women meant I was different when I was ten, but I would not admit even to myself until I was about thirteen. I was a small child, always the smallest in my class and I used to get beat up by boys in my early grade school years. I was still scared of boys and I thought that I would start having crushes on boys when I was older, but instead I found myself imagining myself with women instead. I would try and hide it, though, and I felt that there was something wrong with me. I began to feel depressed
Right after I turned fourteen, my family moved to another state. I remember my first sunday at our new ward--one of the groups that the church was divided into--and my brother shouted to not be called by the name that the bishop said when he was introducing us at the pulpit and I felt humiliated. When we went to our church classes that day, I decided before I walked into the room that I would pick out one of the guys in that room and I would pretend to be attracted to him to hide my attraction to women. I picked out a very tall--all the guys were pretty tall there--home-schooled boy I will call John. Well, one of the girls, a very small, petite redhead I will call Lilly caught my eye. She and I became instant friends. What annoyed me, though, was that John did not ever seem to respond to my advances and in fact,ignored my very existence. I didn't find him attractive, but I could hardly tell what should be considered attractive in a man at the time and my mom said he was not very good-looking. I became obsessed with trying to get him to notice me, though.
Anyways, whenever I was with Lilly, I would try and find excuses to be alone with her. Whenever I would talk to John, I would pretend that he was Lilly and I would think of things to say to make him like me. Then I began to realize that I had fallen in love with Lilly. It wasn't until I was about sixteen and I was at the church girls' camp and I snuck into her tent to play cards in the middle of the night that I finally kissed Lilly. Well, I was so ashamed, I ran out of the tent and back to mine and cried loudly all night. The next day I told Lilly I was attracted to women (obviously). I asked her with a kind of desperate hope in my heart if she was attracted to me. She was not.
Well, I was heartbroken and felt jaded. I attempted suicide multiple times. I looked for excuses to experiment with girls without being considered gay--finding situations where everyone was acting drunk and then telling them someone spiked the punch when I was found doing something gay. The next year at the girls' camp I convinced a few of my friends to go skinny dipping with me and I went to second base that night.
Fast forward a few years later--I am 22 and am on a dating site when I start to look at the profiles of lesbians. I finally decided to do it--I changed my status to bisexual and responded to an post by a girl for someone to join her and her boyfriend. I took a train into the city and met the two of them in the bar and had the most fantastic night of my life that night, finally free to be myself. Well, I have been hooking up with this convert to my church during sacrament meetings--we get bored, leave, and then do it. But I feel apathetic throughout the entire time. Am I a lesbian in denial? I just don't get turned on by penis. The only thing that turns me on about a man is BDSM with me as the submittor. Is that normal? Do other lesbians feel that way? BTW, I am still not openly bi yet, just told a few friends. I am dying to move out so I can go to gay bars and be myself without hiding. I'm sorry that this was so long. I'm just very confused.

[silverhalo]

Hey welcome to EC.

From what I have read in your post it actually doesnt sound like you are confused to me, it sounds to me like you know how you feel and what you want to do, however current circumstances with your family and whatever mean you cant right at this moment. Spend some time on EC, it is a great place.

[pancake111]

I think you're trying to convince yourself that you're bisexual because being a lesbian conflicts with your religion and your parents' values. I think once you seperate yourself from the people who tell you that being gay is wrong, you'll feel much better about yourself.

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by pancake111

I think you're trying to convince yourself that you're bisexual because being a lesbian conflicts with your religion and your parents' values. I think once you seperate yourself from the people who tell you that being gay is wrong, you'll feel much better about yourself.

Agreed.