overall i need help and not sure how to get it. - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people coming out

Anonymous · 2nd Feb 2012, 12:20 PM

hi i posted here because i needed to get it out. but i wanted it to be anonymous i guess. i have been drinking a lot lately. i will go and have 3 or 4 drinks somewhere and walk home. not a gay bar but just a bar. i do this a few times a week. i do not drink at home. however, i feel like sometimes the drinking is excessive like 5 drinks at times and even though they are watered down i feel (or maybe my tolerance is high) i just feel like this isn't good for me. i feel like crap the next day and i only do it to get out of my depression. it makes me feel ok in that moment but worse afterwards. im really having a hard time with being into guys. i feel lonely. and i self hate alot. counseling hasn't really worked. i do not ever really leave with any tools to feel better or move forwards so i just go and repeat teh same thing every time. maybe i should get a new counselor. im very depressed. everytime i say that im not going to drink anymore i do. it used to be so i can be social but now i know i have a problem. not to the point where i need AA but definitely where drinking is not about being social anymore. its about a period of escape for an hour. this is not healthy. anyway, i just feel like wasting away. i am very sad. kinda like a walking zombie but i put on a front that im happy for others. i am not all the way out. i dont know what i want anymore. i just dont want to feel bad about liking guys anymore. i just dont!

Anonymous · 2nd Feb 2012, 12:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anonymous

hi i posted here because i needed to get it out. but i wanted it to be anonymous i guess. i have been drinking a lot lately. i will go and have 3 or 4 drinks somewhere and walk home. not a gay bar but just a bar. i do this a few times a week. i do not drink at home. however, i feel like sometimes the drinking is excessive like 5 drinks at times and even though they are watered down i feel (or maybe my tolerance is high) i just feel like this isn't good for me. i feel like crap the next day and i only do it to get out of my depression. it makes me feel ok in that moment but worse afterwards. im really having a hard time with being into guys. i feel lonely. and i self hate alot. counseling hasn't really worked. i do not ever really leave with any tools to feel better or move forwards so i just go and repeat teh same thing every time. maybe i should get a new counselor. im very depressed. everytime i say that im not going to drink anymore i do. it used to be so i can be social but now i know i have a problem. not to the point where i need AA but definitely where drinking is not about being social anymore. its about a period of escape for an hour. this is not healthy. anyway, i just feel like wasting away. i am very sad. kinda like a walking zombie but i put on a front that im happy for others. i am not all the way out. i dont know what i want anymore. i just dont want to feel bad about liking guys anymore. i just dont!

p.s. its like probably on a friday or a saturday when i may go for drinks. i am at the point now where i do not want alcohol at all anymore. but what happens is when im drinking its like a wall comes down. if i see a guy i think is cute, i will look at him sexually. not directly at him but my inner walls that says, "no you're not supposed to think like that" comes down and i just allow myself to feel like 'dang he's hot". sometimes i get flirty too. i also tend to beat myself up for any sexual urges i have for men. i go through life as a non sexual being and celibate.im so not in touch with my sexual side that i do not even see myself as a sexual being but i know the thoughts are there adn when i drink they are very much there. im kinda miserable actually.

jargon · 2nd Feb 2012, 04:19 PM

I'm no expert, but I'd say if your main reason for drinking (or one main reason) is that it lets you drop your censors about not liking guys, the best way to start would be to learn to come to terms with your sexual orientation. Allow yourself to think about guys as attractive/think about sex/look at porn/whatever (depending on what your interested in) and practice not judging yourself negatively for it.

As far as the immediate alcohol problem (if you do think it is at a problematic level right now) I'd say even if AA might be more drastic than what you need, thats a good place to go/call to ask for resources that are on your level. People involved in similar organizations tend to keep info for all kinds of problems readily available, so that should be a great place to look.

Anonymous · 2nd Feb 2012, 04:57 PM

it sounds like depression to me and alcohol can make that worse supposedly. If you enjoy alcohol you should be able to enjoy it . Nothing wrong with getting a buzz once in a while, but in your current state, you're not enjoying it for what it is. Hope you can try another counselor and maybe medication is needed. Depression is a medical condition and it might take several different doses or different meds to try to find what works for you. I hope you can find a way to get past the trouble about being gay and enjoy it and then go out and party with some gay guys

2nd Feb 2012, 12:20 PM	#1
Anonymous Posting Anonymously Posts: 34,219 Join Date: Dec 2007	overall i need help and not sure how to get it. hi i posted here because i needed to get it out. but i wanted it to be anonymous i guess. i have been drinking a lot lately. i will go and have 3 or 4 drinks somewhere and walk home. not a gay bar but just a bar. i do this a few times a week. i do not drink at home. however, i feel like sometimes the drinking is excessive like 5 drinks at times and even though they are watered down i feel (or maybe my tolerance is high) i just feel like this isn't good for me. i feel like crap the next day and i only do it to get out of my depression. it makes me feel ok in that moment but worse afterwards. im really having a hard time with being into guys. i feel lonely. and i self hate alot. counseling hasn't really worked. i do not ever really leave with any tools to feel better or move forwards so i just go and repeat teh same thing every time. maybe i should get a new counselor. im very depressed. everytime i say that im not going to drink anymore i do. it used to be so i can be social but now i know i have a problem. not to the point where i need AA but definitely where drinking is not about being social anymore. its about a period of escape for an hour. this is not healthy. anyway, i just feel like wasting away. i am very sad. kinda like a walking zombie but i put on a front that im happy for others. i am not all the way out. i dont know what i want anymore. i just dont want to feel bad about liking guys anymore. i just dont!

2nd Feb 2012, 04:19 PM	#3
jargon Well Known Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Bisexual Out Status: A few people Location: New England Age: 21 Posts: 167 Join Date: Nov 2011	Re: overall i need help and not sure how to get it. I'm no expert, but I'd say if your main reason for drinking (or one main reason) is that it lets you drop your censors about not liking guys, the best way to start would be to learn to come to terms with your sexual orientation. Allow yourself to think about guys as attractive/think about sex/look at porn/whatever (depending on what your interested in) and practice not judging yourself negatively for it. As far as the immediate alcohol problem (if you do think it is at a problematic level right now) I'd say even if AA might be more drastic than what you need, thats a good place to go/call to ask for resources that are on your level. People involved in similar organizations tend to keep info for all kinds of problems readily available, so that should be a great place to look.

2nd Feb 2012, 04:57 PM	#4
Anonymous Posting Anonymously Posts: 34,219 Join Date: Dec 2007	Re: overall i need help and not sure how to get it. it sounds like depression to me and alcohol can make that worse supposedly. If you enjoy alcohol you should be able to enjoy it . Nothing wrong with getting a buzz once in a while, but in your current state, you're not enjoying it for what it is. Hope you can try another counselor and maybe medication is needed. Depression is a medical condition and it might take several different doses or different meds to try to find what works for you. I hope you can find a way to get past the trouble about being gay and enjoy it and then go out and party with some gay guys