Safe Sex with Boyfriend

[Anonymous]

Yesterday I found out my boyfriend is not a virgin. He hadn't told me anything, we hadn't discussed virginity. But I had assumed he was. I was kind of surprised, but it makes damn sense. I mean, he's 18.
Anyway, that's fine by me. But before this I had sort of told him I'd let him have sex with me (me being the bottom) without a condom. I know this was sort of stupid and I should always practise safe sex no matter who I'm with. But I'm in love and I don't think very logically any more. However, now I want to take it back. I want to use a condom when we do it. But, if I tell him this, will he think I don't trust him? Especially after what he told me? My boyfriend is the kind to jump to conclusions all the time, and he has a problem thinking I don't trust him. Of course I trust him, but I'm scared I'll get something.
He is an amazing guy, very sweet. I doubt he'd leave me or get mad at me for my decision. But I'm afraid I'll hurt him.

[Anonymous]

OP: By the way, I am a virgin.

[Mad Man L]

I would say use a condom unless there are tests saying he's clean and you're in a long-term (monogamous) relationship. There have been horror stories on here which people have told about how the guy they had sex with saying they were 'clean' and ended up getting infected with HIV/AIDS or other STDs.

Despite the fact he's 18 and not a virgin, he's probably had only a few sexual encounters, so you shouldn't start panicking. But nevertheless, better safe than sorry, use a condom for anal sex. However, given you are clean, as a substitute, you could top instead without a condom.

[Anonymous]

OP here: Well, he's only had sex once before. And it was sort of a rape (sort of because it was with his boyfriend at the time). He doesn't really want to bottom again (unless I want him to, he said; but I'm pretty sure he's traumatised with the idea and just being sweet) and I don't think I even want him to.
I worry about STDs whether I get medical results or not. It isn't completely accurate, right? I would just love to be able to let him make love to me more 'naturally' but I don't want to commit a mistake I could regret forever.

[Ridiculous]

Originally Posted by Mad Man L

However, given you are clean, as a substitute, you could top instead without a condom.

I would like to clarify that tops can catch STDs from the bottom during anal sex. Condoms are for the benefit of both people, not just the bottom. Just because you are the insertive partner doesn't mean you are safe from catching anything.

It is less likely if you are the top.. but any chance higher than 0%: use a condom.

[Chip]

I think it's perfectly reasonable to say that you've thought it over and just think, for both of your sakes, that using condoms is a smart idea. Don't let him feed you the load of shit about it being "more intimate" with no condom or any of that BS, and don't feed into any "if you really loved me, you'd do this" crap either.

Both of you can be responsible and mature about it, and, honestly, tests all have a latency period, so unless you are literally willing to put your life, safety, health, and well-being in his hands, and trusting that he will never cheat on you (unwise for *any* new relationship, particularly for younger people), your best bet is to just be safe. Done right, it's not a hassle, and the difference is so minimal as to be pretty much unnoticeable.

[Koll]

I second what Chip said.

If he refuses to do it with a condom, then he's an ass.

[Anonymous]

OP: I am sure he won't refuse. It was me who brought it up and told him I was willing to do it without a condom in the first place . I doubt I'll get much of a reaction, but maybe he's going to pretend it's fine yet he'll be feeling that I think of him as promiscuous or dirty? Or am I over-thinking this? I don't know, he's just easy to offend (not that he expresses it, I just notice it).
Anyway, I think overall he will probably understand. But it's awkward that I've already 'got his hopes up' in a way.

Thank you guys for your advice . Once again this forum proves itself a great place for support.

[jimL]

Always use a condom. Five minutes worth of pleasure is not worth a lifetime full of pain!

[Sunsetting]

just chiming in and echoing what most other people have said. yeah, just talk to him and wear condoms. it's the way to go

[Anonymous]

wear the condoms. if he pushes back or gets an attitude, this is not someone you need to be with.

[TheEdend]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

OP: I am sure he won't refuse. It was me who brought it up and told him I was willing to do it without a condom in the first place . I doubt I'll get much of a reaction, but maybe he's going to pretend it's fine yet he'll be feeling that I think of him as promiscuous or dirty? Or am I over-thinking this? I don't know, he's just easy to offend (not that he expresses it, I just notice it).
Anyway, I think overall he will probably understand. But it's awkward that I've already 'got his hopes up' in a way.

Thank you guys for your advice . Once again this forum proves itself a great place for support.

He might, but is getting an STD from him worth avoiding a fight or bad feelings? We are talking about the rest of your life here. If you get something you cannot take it back. When it comes to safe sex you have to stop thinking about his feelings and start thinking about YOUR health.

Also, take this as a lesson to ALWAYS use condoms. You were lucky this time that he let you know that he wasn't a virgin, but what would have happened if he had never said anything? Learn from this and keep yourself safe in your future relationships. Always use a condom, always ask about your partners sexual past and always ask if they have gotten tested recently.

You seem like a smart person. Just don't let your emotions cloud your judgement

[Anonymous]

Your bf should be fine if you use a condom. To me it just seems cleaner to use a condom so no poo or lube gets into the pee hole. I saw something once where u put a condom on your finger and notice that you can still feel most everything through the condom. Then realize that your penis is more sensitive than your finger so you'll still feel all the sensation through it too. I dunno, sounded reasonable. Even if two guys are virgin seems like condom is still a good idea.

[Anonymous]

OP here:
So yesterday he told me he wants to do it without a condom :S. I don't think he's aware enough of STIs and other infections.
I'm sure he will respect my choice if I tell him I want to do it with a condom. But I already said yes again . I just don't know how to tell him .

[Chip]

I'm going to be super harsh here.

People that can't say "no" to sex without a condom are people that often end up with HIV or another life-changing STI.

So go back to him and say "Sorry, but I've thought about it, and I'm just not comfortable having sex without a condom." And don't argue, don't discuss, don't negotiate. Just say "I'm sorry, this is important to me, and it's really not up for discussion. If you care about me, then you won't question my decision." If he tries giving you any of the intimacy bullshit, just tell him... sorry, I've made my decision.

I can't tell you how many people I know and/or have talked to that got "talked into" sex without condoms and now have HIV because of it. I'm not saying your boyfriend has any STIs, or that he will be unfaithful or anything of the kind... but you are literally putting your life and your future in his hands. And that's just stupid. It's totally not worth putting yourself at risk simply because you're uncomfortable having a conversation... and that is precisely how so many people end up with HIV or hep-b. So please... think about yourself, and put yourself first... because you deserve it.

[Iniquity]

Ditto to Chip's comments.

When it comes to your safety, nothing should stand in your way, always put yourself first. You're the one that has to live with your body, so stand up for it always. It's not too late to say no.