Frustrated Ranting: Hope to get perspective.

[Anonymous]

Ok so this might be a little rambling but if you are reading this to the end thank you so much. If you follow the thread and dont lose it well call yourself Sherlock because I am holding the spool and am still without a clue. First off let me say that I am bisexual but my exploration with males has been three drunken tumbles that felt hallow afterwards (Though fun at the time) and an one online relationship that never lead to a face to face meeting before we ended.

Ok so with that out of the way let me start to spill my issue/s. I tend to end up with women that are one of a few things A) totally willing to use me or B) more unstable then a janga tower after a twenty minute game or C) good girls but with issues that make us clash. Now trust me I have my share of mistakes and an even hand in messing up the relationships but most people that even remotely know me or the girl end up admitting that they knew it wasnt going to work for us or that I was setting myself up. (I tend to bullheadedly keep trying to make things work because A) I hat to fail and B) I feel like if you care for someone you dont just give up because it gets hard. Now at this point I feel like I just suck at this whole relationship thing and am working on figuring out what I am doing wrong and how I end up with people that are not right for me or use me.

Now why would I mention my experience with men at the start when most of this has been about my dating history with women? Well that leads to my second issue. I from time to time get this urge to try and see what its like to date and be with another guy as well women have not worked out so great and I have never had a real face to face relationship with another male. Its just that I worry about making similar mistakes and on top of that finding a guy I am attracted too and who is interested in more then casual sex feels like finding a freaking unicorn. I cant go to a gay bar or club because they are outside my range of travel, I dont know many people that are part of the LGBT community, and dating sites have provided little to no luck. Oh I get responses on those but its mostly creepy looking old guys looking for a random hook up and that just makes me want to sign off those things totally. (Not that there is anything wrong with older guys they are just not my type and I swear some of the messages I get.....) I just want a feminine guy that is willing to become friends and boyfriends and slowly work on the whole being lovers thing because to be honest without being drunk the idea of sex with another guy makes me nervous as if I was a virgin again. How can I got about meeting a guy like that when I dont even know where to look? Its not as if we all wear rainbow flags or name tags and I dont often have time to do much other then work or take care of the house and my puppy. I mean the places I like to go are the shooting range or a book store. Not had much luck meeting people there. I mean I am generally friendly but I dont know how to figure out if I should approach a feminine looking guy to find out if he is receptive without seeming I dont know cheesy or creepy I guess? Any advice or words of wisdom would rock. Thanks for sticking with this as it likely didnt make much sense.

[TheEdend]

There is a lot going on so stick with me as I try to hit on various points as they come up

Originally Posted by Anonymous

I feel like if you care for someone you dont just give up because it gets hard. Now at this point I feel like I just suck at this whole relationship thing and am working on figuring out what I am doing wrong and how I end up with people that are not right for me or use me.

If you are constantly ending up with the wrong people over and over again, then it might be less of a coincendince than you think. Most people that seem to attract assholes, hot messes or people that aren't all that awesome, are usually dealing with some inner problems that attract those kind of people. It might be worth it to try to figure out what its going on that is making you be attracted to the wrong people. Sadly, until you figure it out then you will keep on repeating the cycle.

Originally Posted by Anonymous

Now why would I mention my experience with men at the start when most of this has been about my dating history with women? Well that leads to my second issue. I from time to time get this urge to try and see what its like to date and be with another guy as well women have not worked out so great and I have never had a real face to face relationship with another male. Its just that I worry about making similar mistakes and on top of that finding a guy I am attracted too and who is interested in more then casual sex feels like finding a freaking unicorn. I cant go to a gay bar or club because they are outside my range of travel, I dont know many people that are part of the LGBT community, and dating sites have provided little to no luck. Oh I get responses on those but its mostly creepy looking old guys looking for a random hook up and that just makes me want to sign off those things totally. (Not that there is anything wrong with older guys they are just not my type and I swear some of the messages I get.....) I just want a feminine guy that is willing to become friends and boyfriends and slowly work on the whole being lovers thing because to be honest without being drunk the idea of sex with another guy makes me nervous as if I was a virgin again. How can I got about meeting a guy like that when I dont even know where to look? Its not as if we all wear rainbow flags or name tags and I dont often have time to do much other then work or take care of the house and my puppy. I mean the places I like to go are the shooting range or a book store. Not had much luck meeting people there. I mean I am generally friendly but I dont know how to figure out if I should approach a feminine looking guy to find out if he is receptive without seeming I dont know cheesy or creepy I guess? Any advice or words of wisdom would rock. Thanks for sticking with this as it likely didnt make much sense.

First off, are you out?

Finding a guy who you like might seem, as you said, like trying to find a unicorn, but its almost impossible to do it if you are in the closet. Like you said, for better or for worse, LGBT people don't wear signs or rainbow flags so it will take some effort from your part to make things happen. Being out is one of the easiest way to start finding other LGBT people to talk to

Is there any sort of LGBT community around your area? Maybe some people that you might know of or friends of your friends? The internet is also a good place to find people, but you have to know how to use it. There are some website that you absolutely want to avoid as well as certain apps on cellphones. Its tricky, but you have to find the right website for it to work.

As a final note, it might be helpful to tackle problems one at a time. Trying to handle everything at the same time, while possible, will leave you feeling overwhelmed a lot of the time

Hope some of this helped at least a bit

[Anonymous]

OP here.
I do know what has me in a state that attracts these kinds of people for the most part. Its simply the fact that to be honest I dont fee like I am worth a whole lot relationship wise. I have been cheated on and used so many times I almost expect it and really most times I feel like it has to be something wrong with ME if this just keeps happening. It really started only about four years ago when someone that I was very close to ran off with a friend of mine. Since then I just dont really feel like much of a man to be honest. I mean if this keeps happening time and again with whomever I end up with ( Not being cheated on but that is the most common, the second biggest being someone that takes but never gives.) Then it has to be something wrong with me.

As far as being out well I kinda am. I mean my friends and some family know. I wear a Bi pride necklace when I go out some days. But other days I want to run for the closet, lock the door and make a fort. I dont really know if there is an LGBT community around me other then a community center but thats a bit of a trip by train. I know of only one other person that is part of the LGBT community that is a friend but she is not even that close of a friend as of yet. Most a friend of a friend that I am really cool with. As for you mentioning the net well I must be using it wrong lol because the only people I have met the have scared me.

[Anonymous]

well one thng that stood out is that you want a femme guy and they are a bit easier to spot than a masculine gay guy. just because they are fem doesn't mean they are gay but the odds are definitely in your favor. so my advice is is you see someone you are interested in that seems femish, strike up a conversation, flirt, and see if they are receptive to teh conversation. if they are, maybe suggest hanging out sometime but weave that into the conversastion and the reason why you are talking. there's awlays reputable dating sites and then going to the lbgt stuff in your area. area asking a friend that knows you're bi to if he/she knows any friends.

[TheEdend]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

OP here.
I do know what has me in a state that attracts these kinds of people for the most part. Its simply the fact that to be honest I dont fee like I am worth a whole lot relationship wise. I have been cheated on and used so many times I almost expect it and really most times I feel like it has to be something wrong with ME if this just keeps happening. It really started only about four years ago when someone that I was very close to ran off with a friend of mine. Since then I just dont really feel like much of a man to be honest. I mean if this keeps happening time and again with whomever I end up with ( Not being cheated on but that is the most common, the second biggest being someone that takes but never gives.) Then it has to be something wrong with me.

If you feel like you aren't worth it, then subconsciously you are sabotaging your own relationships by being attracted to the bad kid of people. Its a bit more complicated than that, but if you want to stop the cycle then you are going to have to work on yourself before you jump into another relationship. From experience, I can tell you that its hard to do, but so worth it once you get your self-esteem up and you start finding out what a healthy relationship is all about

As far as being out well I kinda am. I mean my friends and some family know. I wear a Bi pride necklace when I go out some days. But other days I want to run for the closet, lock the door and make a fort. I dont really know if there is an LGBT community around me other then a community center but thats a bit of a trip by train.

Have you tried calling the center? They might have some information about events going on in your area or something along those lines. Maybe one day you and a friend can take a road trip when you are both bored

Originally Posted by Anonymous

I know of only one other person that is part of the LGBT community that is a friend but she is not even that close of a friend as of yet. Most a friend of a friend that I am really cool with. As for you mentioning the net well I must be using it wrong lol because the only people I have met the have scared me.

While she isn't close, you could try and ask her if she knows any LGBT events going on around your area or something along those lines. It never hurts to ask.

As far as the websites go. The basic rules are to stay away from any site that permits nudes, stay away from sites that allow posters to be anon and be very specific on your profile about what you want from the guys you meet. If you want, you can also send me a PM and I can give you some site that my friends have used in the past

[Anonymous]

OP here.
I will send you a PM. I am also going to list a few questions here that I have about what you posted. If you answer them in the PM thats cool too.
1) Any advice on the whole working on me thing? I have been trying to get past a lot of the trust issues I have and I know I am worth more then I am being treated like but I dont know how to get out of the funk I guess I am in.
2) Any advice on the whole getting into the LGBT community thing? I am kinda one foot in one foot out right now because I do still sort of worry about being judged even though my friends and sisters are cool with it. My parents dont know and I am really worried about dating a guy in that respect. Because I could never hide the person I love from my family or pretend like I was not with them. I just get so nervious at the thought of walking down the street holding hands with another guy but at the same time how could I not? That would feel worse to be honest.
Thanks for taking the time to respond to this by the way.