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Old 14th May 2012, 12:56 AM   #1
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Default Why shouldn't I kill myself?

I really want to kill myself. I just have such a miserable, pathetic life.

I almost never leave the house, I don't have a job, I haven't seen any of my friends in 6 months. Ever since I finished school my life has just gone completely downhill.

I'm autistic, which pretty much completely prevents me from ever having any sort of romantic relationship.

My life sucks, and I just want to die. I can't think of a single reason not to kill myself right now.
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Old 14th May 2012, 01:06 AM   #2
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Default Re: Why shouldn't I kill myself?

Autism doesn't define you. I'm going into speech therapy and I have worked with several (much younger) kids with autism, but I am confident that they and you will be able to have a romantic relationship. There is nothing wrong with you. You are strong. You are capable. You just have to remember that.

I don't know your story. I don't know anything about you. Just know that you have potential. You may be in a tough place now, but you can get in a better place too. Have you talked to a doctor? Maybe you need antidepressants. Have you spoken with your parents? Even if you and your parents have a bad relationship, you could reach out to them and I am sure they would tell you that they love you and care about you. No parent (or other family member or even friends) would tell you to bugger off.

If you haven't seen your friends in so long, maybe call one of them tonight. I don't know if I'm being helpful at all. I just don't want to see you in this place. It is my hope for you that you find happiness. I've been in a dark place before too, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone in the world, including you.

Just the fact that you came to the EC to talk about this is great. It means that you might be looking for help. It means that you can see that people care about you, even if those people have never met you before. I don't know what your life is like, but I know that you feel terrible. All of these things you've mentioned are just obstacles. They are not the actual journey. Please, Anon, please keep in mind that you are fine just as you are, autism or not. You need to remember that you are beautiful. We would hate to lose you here.

If you want to talk, you can always PM me if you are a full member, or write a message on my page. The EC staff would be glad to talk to you too. If you can't wait, please go to suicidehotlines.com to get a phone number that you can call so you can talk to someone there. I'm here for you. The whole EC is here for you. Please don't take your life tonight.
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Old 14th May 2012, 07:41 AM   #3
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Default Re: Why shouldn't I kill myself?

I don't know whether it's a symptom of autism or not, but for myself, I tend to view the world in a very black-and-white way, seeing the world only in terms of extremes: either things are awesome and always will be, or things suck and will never get better. And neither viewpoint is true, nor is either healthy: the first one sets me up for disappointment, while the second gets me way more down than a realistic viewpoint would. And besides, the only thing that doesn't change in life is that things will always change.

The way you've described your current life does sound pretty dismal, so your feelings aren't entirely unfounded; only the extreme level that you've taken them to is. Let me go over your points one at a time.

Making and keeping friends as a person with autism isn't something that comes as naturally to us as it seems to come to neurotypicals (people without autism). It's something we have to work at. Yet when we look around us, it seems like the people around us make and keep their friends as naturally as they breath. While that's not entirely true for anyone, it can be disheartening when something that's so hard for us seems to come so naturally to everyone else. They make it look effortless, which gives us the expectation that having a social life should come naturally and take no especial effort on our part.

But that's not our lot in life. Because of the difficulty we have reading people and understanding social cues, loneliness can sometimes feel more natural for us than being social. So isolation becomes an easy trap to fall into. But as you can tell from what you're going through right now, though it's the easier, seemingly more natural route, isolation sucks. And the thing is, just because we have to work harder at maintaining our social lives than most people doesn't mean it isn't worth it. Quite the opposite, in fact; it makes it more satisfying, more rewarding, when we are able to do it. (And, by the way, while we may have trouble socializing, other things, such as most things that involve systematic and linear thinking, tend to come more easily to us than they do to most people. Other people may have an easier time socializing than we do, but we're usually better at something than they are. So it's not something to get down about; it just makes us different.)

The same can be said for relationships. Getting a romantic relationship is challenging for anyone, and yes, having autism can make it a more daunting prospect. But let me let you in on a little secret: one of the secrets to relationship success is honesty and not putting up fronts about who you are. You already have an upper leg on that because the "formalities" that lead to people putting on those fronts are probably a mystery to you. While basic etiquette and decorum are always a good thing no matter what the situation, you're probably going to be more genuine during your romantic pursuits than most. And believe it or not, that will draw some people in.

I have to emphasize "believe it or not", because if you're anything like me, you're the kind of person who will only believe something when you see it. Maybe that's an autism thing; I don't know. But that kind of thinking can be very destructive when you're in a pessimistic state of mind and can't see how things could get better. But they can; even if you don't see how that's possible, they absolutely can.

The hang-up, though, is that things usually won't get better on their own. Yes, things can get better, but that's because you can always make them get better. And if you don't have it in you to try to make them better, you're never going to be able to make them better.

So that's what you need to focus on: getting to a place where you can believe you can make it better. It might be the case that your ennui is just the result of sitting around the house doing nothing. If that's the case, then getting out of the house and out of yourself might do the trick. Volunteer somewhere; there have to be places around you that will gladly take you on if you say you want to help them. If you don't think you're good enough with people to volunteer, volunteer at an animal shelter. No matter what, volunteer somewhere where you can be passionate about what you do: not only will that give you something that gets you excited about being alive, but you'll also meet people who share that passion, and you might be able to make some friends along the way. They key is that whatever you volunteer for, you should be doing things for other people: helping other people with their troubles is one of the best ways to distract ourselves from our own and get us to realize that our troubles are actually manageable.

Now, if you read through that paragraph and just said to yourself, "How could that possibly help me?" or "I couldn't do something like that, no way", or if you try looking for a place to volunteer and give up after one unsuccessful try, then your troubles are more serious and you won't find the solution in just giving yourself something to do. In a case like that, talking to a therapist (or one of the staff members here if therapy seems too daunting right now) is what you need. If you don't have the motivation to at least try to make some positive changes in your life, or you don't have the hope to entertain notions of those efforts working, that's a problem that you should absolutely get help for, because you deserve to be able to believe in yourself.

If you want to talk about this more personally, do PM me; you can PM staff members like myself regardless of whether you're a regular or full member.
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Old 14th May 2012, 05:34 PM   #4
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Default Re: Why shouldn't I kill myself?

I actually asked this question on FB and the only comment I got was my cous's wife being surprised that no one commented.
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Old 14th May 2012, 05:51 PM   #5
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Default Re: Why shouldn't I kill myself?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anonymous View Post
I really want to kill myself. I just have such a miserable, pathetic life.

I almost never leave the house, I don't have a job, I haven't seen any of my friends in 6 months. Ever since I finished school my life has just gone completely downhill.

I'm autistic, which pretty much completely prevents me from ever having any sort of romantic relationship.

My life sucks, and I just want to die. I can't think of a single reason not to kill myself right now.
First of all snap out of it.

I think a lot of people here have worn the same shoes that you have.

Even me...and I'm cocky and arrogant...but I have worn those same shoes...and it's not easy.

It took a cocaine overdose and waking up in a hospital bed to wake me up to the joy and beauty of our individual lives...I hope you don't have to follow in those footsteps.

Sometimes the shit that is dealt to us is not a good hand...it sucks.

But what we have to understand is that it is only a temporary hand...we have to go through life understanding that we are going to be dealt anther hand of cards...and that it is going to be much better.

Look, I don't know what your situation is, but one thing you should know is this: it will change...may not seem like it now, but it will...trust me, I've been through it all and never thought I would see the light of day...but you know what...I did.

And you will too.
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Old 14th May 2012, 09:10 PM   #6
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Default Re: Why shouldn't I kill myself?

You shouldn't kill yourself because if you do, you will never find relief from your pain. (That's what stopped me).

I wanted to kill myself for about 12 years. I'm out of the situation I was in before, and I'm so glad I didn't kill myself. The pain was worth the life that I have now. What helps is trying to see past the pain. First you see past it, and then you will be able to move past it. Try to remove yourself from the situation (if you can). I also would suggest seeing a therapist. I wish I had.

It also helps to keep a journal.
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Old 14th May 2012, 10:53 PM   #7
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Default Re: Why shouldn't I kill myself?

Because it's the end of the game, simply. As long as you play, astonishing thing are possible. If you quit, that's it, never gonna be better. I found that thinking about suicide made me appreciate life more. While I was always focusing on bad things while deeply depressed, suicidal thoughts brought some sadness over losing the good things. Paradoxically (or obviously) thinking about suicide made me antisuicidal. Sure it's tough, but it can all change and I want to be here and see the change.
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Old 15th May 2012, 12:30 AM   #8
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Default Re: Why shouldn't I kill myself?

I agree with everyone here. You shouldn't! Every life on Earth is sacred, no matter your circumstances.

Here is my little advice, hope it will help one way or another.

Let's just say for hypothetical reasons you did kill yourself. What then? Who have you left behind? Say if you could have gotten out of the situation say a week after your killed yourself, what would that have achieved.

I also at one point in my life had these tendency. But you know what. In order for the change to happen which you want, you have to make that change. The power is in your hands. Only you can change your circumstances. I know it's kinda rash hard words, but it's true. Don't wait for some shining knight in armour to come and rescue you. (We've past those ages when the auto-mobile came along), so chances that a knight in shining armour will come is very slim. You have to be your own knight in shining armour.

It takes courage, but you've already proven that you have that, or you wouldn't have post this in the first place. Now all that it takes now is guts, the guts and willingness to change. (Now I sound like Obama!!!! ).

Don't think too much about too many things, take little steps at a time. Say for instance. "Today I will say halo to a stranger." When you've done it, you'll feel better cause you've accomplished something you've set out to do. Don't make your daily goals big, make it small, easier to accomplish. Before the week is over, you'll start to feel better about yourself, you'll building confidence in yourself. And that my friend is the key to help yourself change your circumstances!
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Old 15th May 2012, 04:53 PM   #9
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Default Re: Why shouldn't I kill myself?

I know life can be hard sometimes, really really hard. I have considered suicide. Multiple times. Even got to the point where I was looking up methods and deciding which one was the best way to, 'go' planning and all that jazz.
But before you do anything at all. Even think about it more, then you should try and get someone to talk to. Because sometimes we blow up our problems in our heads, and if we just talk it out with someone, anyone, then it can really ease the situation.

You shouldn't kill yourself because you have so much more to live for. Who says you can't change your life if you aren't happy with it now? You have the power to do anything if you put your mind to it.

I am going through a rough patch too, and although I admit, I havn't been dealing with it in the best way, I am fighting my way through life.

I find just talking to people really helps, so if you need anyone to talk to you can always message me.

I care about you.
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Old 15th May 2012, 04:54 PM   #10
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Default Re: Why shouldn't I kill myself?

Oh my gosh I feel so stupid I forgot to take it off anon that ^^ was me.
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Old 5th Nov 2012, 04:46 AM   #11
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Default Re: Why shouldn't I kill myself?

I feel the same way,why should I keep living,I was a shooting victim,now paralyzed w/no family..I live on my own in my own home,but I'm not socially accepted,never get visitors,been so deppressed I have not left my house in 2 yrs...nobody would even know or even care if I died..I'm trying to hold on,but I fear it is a battle I will soon loose.I get no phone calls nothing,no birthdays or holidays..damn it..all I did was go to the store,when some guy decides to shoot people..I had a great life,all stripped away by a crazy man w/a gun..I was adopted,family long deceased,I try talikng w/folks on facebook ..it is like talking to myself,I had a great service dog,she was killed by a neighboor w/fireworks,why keep living you ask??..I wish I could answer that ,I have no reason to continue
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Old 5th Nov 2012, 05:57 AM   #12
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Default Re: Why shouldn't I kill myself?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anonymous View Post
I feel the same way,why should I keep living,I was a shooting victim,now paralyzed w/no family..I live on my own in my own home,but I'm not socially accepted,never get visitors,been so deppressed I have not left my house in 2 yrs...nobody would even know or even care if I died..I'm trying to hold on,but I fear it is a battle I will soon loose.I get no phone calls nothing,no birthdays or holidays..damn it..all I did was go to the store,when some guy decides to shoot people..I had a great life,all stripped away by a crazy man w/a gun..I was adopted,family long deceased,I try talikng w/folks on facebook ..it is like talking to myself,I had a great service dog,she was killed by a neighboor w/fireworks,why keep living you ask??..I wish I could answer that ,I have no reason to continue
Hey I am truly sorry of all the things that happened to you. It must have been a very terrible experience to be shot and ending up paralyzed. And I understand that the loss of your dog makes you feel very lonely as it seems you don't have many people to rely on.
But that's not because you're lonely now that it means you're going to be lonely forever.
I don't know much about you, so I'm going to give you a few ideas that are coming to my mind right now, and if you feel like discussing them, you're welcome either to answer here or to send me a PM, ok ?
First, you said you've been depressed and that you haven't left your house in two years. What happened to you is a very traumatic experience, anybody would get depressed after this. So my first question would be, have you seen a therapist ? Because if not, I think it would help you a lot to be able to work on accepting what happened to you and to find a way to move on. I'm not saying you don't have a right to be angry about what happened. You have every right to be angry. But that anger is not helping you, it makes you sad and bitter about what happened. I think it would help you a lot to be able to work on this and find a way to let this anger go. You can also search if there is a support group for victims of accident in your area. A support group would enable you to talk about your experience with people who has similar experience and that can help you both to move on and to socialize with people who will be able to relate to your experience.
Another thing I was thinking about is that it would be a good idea to find some activity you could do. I don't know which kind of activity because I don't know what you like and how paralyzed you are, so please don't take this the wrong way. That could be hand-sport (maybe there is a club in your area), or other kind of activities : a movie club, a modeling club... Anything that you might be interested in that would help you to socialize with knew people. Something that you would be able to look forward to and would oblige you to leave your house regularly. There should be at least something you can do.
Maybe you can think about getting a new dog too. I'm not saying you should try to replace the dog you had. Pets are unique in our eyes. But that's not because you would get a new dog that you would forget about the one you had. You can keep cherishing her memory, but you would have a new dong to help you and keep you company, and I'm sure you'll end up loving him or her just as much as you loved your previous dog.
I know you're hurting and feeling really lonely right know, but please, keep holding on. Better times will come.
Take care, Cťcile
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