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Old 15th May 2012, 08:36 PM   #1
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Default I hate being Queer

It is with a having heart and tears in the eyes that I write this post. I have been so strong for so many people but even the strong willed having breaking points. The pressure is building about to blow the value as I reach and repeatedly exceed my tolerance for life frustration.

About me
I turned 40 2.5 months ago
I am a MtF non-op transexual female
I identify as a lesbian
I am a femme
I am attracted to femme (Straight/bi women)
I have successfully been living as a female for over a decade
I am not into drugs and alcohol
I have a masters degree and a professional job

I have been single for going on 3 years. Since my transition, I have only had 2 long term relationships with two women that lasted 2 years each. In both cases those I entered a long term relationship with me were exploring their own sexuality. In both cases, I was their first girlfriend and both went back to men after dating me.

Over the past year, I have really hated being queer. This has been growing because:
A) I don't feel like the lesbian scene accepts transgender women who are lesbian as part of their community. Sometimes people in the lesbian community say rude things making fun of transgender lesbians. I'm tired of being hurt like this.
B) I hate that people, including glbt folks, have no clue about the different types of transgender people. I hate being confused for a drag queen. I'm exhausted from educating people about gender identity and sexuality.
C) I hate being a second class citizen in the world.....including the glbt scene.
D) Each time I meet someone to date, I have to out myself and deal with the awkward gender discussion. It hurts immensely to find someone with a mutual connection to only have the "gender" discussion and then "dropped like it was hot". It's hard to date someone knowing that most likely they will leave when I tell them I am trans.
E) I am tired of being a tool for people to explore their sexuality, use as a fetish, or confirm their sexuality.
F) There are no options and choices of those to date in the bi/lesbian scene. I feel like I have to lower my standard and expectations from that of which I had in pre-transition life.
G) I feel like I traded one set of deep rooted gender identity issues and a world I could date in for a life with mild body self hatred and a near impossible chance I will find love and companionship.
H) My family disowned me when I came out. For 2 years they did not see me. They do see me now, but they cant get the pronoun correct and refuse to call me by my legal name. To this day, they never really made a consistent attempt to just love and accept me as their child. Religious belief drives their lack of acceptance.
I) Attempts to fill the void of loneliness has not gone well. Friends that I do have are busy with their own lives and relationships. I tried to develop more friendships but far too often they ended in betrayal or me being used.
J) I have explored all options to date. I have had online profiles on many dating sites. I have also attended many lesbian events and bars. Dating sites have no really produced anything positive and resulted in a man posing as a women stalking me. Efforts to meet lesbian women at lesbian socials were more hurtful than helpful. See point A discussed above.
K) I used to volunteer and contribute to the glbt scene, but more and more I see how the glbt scene treats transpeople that I don't feel like the T is welcome into the scene.
L) I struggle to care at times. Sometimes I just hit a point where I don't care about anything....work is empty, my house just doesn't feel like a home, I'm not missed by others when I stay in.

I feel like I am reaching my limit. I don't know why I am queer. I used to believe I was trans to be a positive example for others.....that maybe God gave me this cross to bare to help others. I stopped believing in God because no God would punish their creation like how being trans hurts. I don't know what options I have left. I feel like my life is a constant struggle. I often wonder if I am living to just pass the time until I die. I lost total faith that anything in my life will ever change. I feel this is as good as it gets, and it doesn't get better, and the years I have left will still be full of loneliness, pain, and struggling each day.
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Old 15th May 2012, 09:10 PM   #2
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Default Re: I hate being Queer

Ouch, thats a long list of horrible things you have to go through! I can only offer my sympathies

Have you tried finding other transgender people in your area? They will understand what you are going through if the lgbt community isn't responding well. Ya know, I saw a documentary called 'My Transsexual Summer' and it showed several people dealing with a range of gender affirmation procedures. It was really heartbreaking to watch it, I felt so sorry for them, but anyway they all gathered into a haven on weekends and supported each other, so I think this is what you should do. Sorry I don't have much to add but please consider that not all of the lgbt community are nasty and judging.
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Old 15th May 2012, 10:47 PM   #3
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Default Re: I hate being Queer

You know what, I say you create your own place for people in your situation to seek companionship. We have similar struggles, but yours are far greater than what I have experienced as a gay male. That being said, you are a loving, caring, intelligent professional that has the ability to create what you are looking for. I too tried the approach of seeking out someone be the means in which you speak. I was looking for a connection instead of just a sex partner. I found it pretty much useless. I challenge you instead to create the environment for these people to come to you. Start your own group and see what happens. You will need to have a little more patience and a lot of resolve, but I feel confident you can make it into something great. Think outside the box. It doesn't have to be a support group, it can be a group that promotes your ideals within the community. Give back to the community in your own way and see if it doesn't open some doors for you. Good luck, and know that there are people out there that love you for who you are.
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Old 16th May 2012, 04:20 AM   #4
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Default Re: I hate being Queer

I have been part of transgender groups here. I find that when several transgender women get together and go out.....we are often clocked easily as trans. It is easier to blend into society alone than with a group. Each of us have gender cues that out us as trans, and in a group it's hard to be stealth. I find it easier to not advertise being trans as it just causes too much unwanted attention.

I have also tried to create assets for people like me. I tried a queer speed dating that had no real interest from the community. I tried to create an online message group for trans people, but its members took it in another direction......mainly fetish transvestites and crossdressers used it as a place to find sex, and men kept trying to join looking for a TS for sexual fantasies.

I am not a type of person who just complains about something. I take ownership and put up a good fight. I have become exhausted from this situation. For the past three years I have struggled to date, find companionship and faced defeat after defeat. It has been very demoralizing that my best effort just doesn't seem to work. I have lost 40 pounds to improve my attractiveness, I have varied my own gender expression exploring a butchier identity and still nothing. I really have tried so many options, date auctions, charity work, glbt activism, many glbt socials, etc.

Lastly, I even emailed Dan Savage for advice. I have come to the conclusion not all of a population can find love, (Example: not everyone can win the lottery) so I figured maybe I am just the unlucky ones who wont ever be loved. Dan agreed that some of us will spend a lifetime alone. It's hard to be single and live a full life when I crave to be touched, desired, and talked too. I blame being queer in a world that mostly misunderstand transpeople for being unwanted, unloved, and wearing down from the struggle.

I continue to hate being queer....this curse......I am happier with my body compared to where I was living as a male, but being trans just comes with so much difficulties, that I wouldn't tell anyone to take this path.
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Old 16th May 2012, 03:15 PM   #5
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Default Re: I hate being Queer

Hi there, and welcome to EC. I'm glad you've found this site, as I think this is probably the most supportive and welcoming 'place' in the world. I hope you find that to be true.

It sounds like you've given this a lot of effort over the years. And the fact that you've had relationships that lasted 2 years at a time says to me that you're someone that others would want to be with. Unfortunately your specific situation narrows down significantly who might be interested in a romantic or physical relationship with you. And that is making it difficult (seemingly impossible) for you to find a life partner.

But I always come back to the fact that nothing will change about your personal situation unless you change it. It sounds like you've tried lots of different things over the past several years, but it would appear that you need to try even more. I have to believe that there is a way for you to make this work - you just haven't found it yet.

Do you see a therapist? A professional that you can speak to about these issues? It sounds like it might be something to consider. They'll get to know you better than we can, and they'll perhaps have some suggestions for you.

But hang out here. Open up to the community here. There may be others who can closely relate to what you're going through and offer suggestions. Certainly there are trans people here who could benefit from hearing more of your story - even if it doesn't have a happy ending yet on the personal front.

But I know they'd benefit from hearing about your transition and how that worked with your professional life. Young people today need role models, and you might be able to provide them with one. Maybe that's your calling?

I wish there was something else I could offer. Because it hurts me to think that you've reached the end of your rope and don't hold out much hope for future happiness. I was in that dark and hopeless place about 5 years ago as I ended the marriage to my wife, came to terms with being gay, and entering recovery from my addiction. I hardly thought there was a point in going on. But there was. I couldn't see what life had in store for me - and it was pretty amazing. So keep the hope - because despite all of the setbacks you've experienced you really don't know what tomorrow might hold in store for you.

Feel free to reach out to me directly if you want to talk one on one with someone else who is in their 40s.
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Old 16th May 2012, 03:30 PM   #6
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Default Re: I hate being Queer

Lots of love.
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Old 16th May 2012, 04:24 PM   #7
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Default Re: I hate being Queer

Thank you for everyone's response. I wish I could say I feel differently, but I have hated being queer for a half a year and I don't think that feeling is going anywhere soon.

Jim,

Thank you for your kind words. Originally I embraced being trans because I have an experience and skillset to help those in the queer community who cant help themselves. It added meaning to the suffering. And when someone can find a WHY to suffer, they can handle the HOW they suffer. (Victor Frankel) Over the past decade I have been a huge activist for our community. I have written grants for PFLAG, I have done charities for Aids, shelters, breast cancer, and even a free gender conference. I like to think I made a difference.....but over the years, I constantly felt the rejection of the lesbian community. I feel as though transwomen are seen as men by lesbians. The lack of acceptance by the community I devoted so much of my time for, just betrayed me....used me as an activist but wouldn't offer me love.

I have experienced the same rude comments I got early in transition from the straight community in the lesbian community. While trying to help another transwoman feel safe and come out, some lesbians took over the bathroom, locked the door, and chanted "only pussies in here". I have come to the conclusion there is just a pecking order in life....the majority picks on the minority. (Straights pick on gays, lesbians pick on trans) I seldom have seen any lesbians stand up to their peers and remind them that they are being the same bigots as the right wing conservatives.

I appreciate your suggestion for a counselor. I have had one in the past when I was working on gender issues. I have my approval letter for bottom surgery. I also have a masters in counseling and a strong believer of Rational Emotion Behavioral Therapy. Because of this.....i draw very sane rational thoughts. It is where I get my fight from. I know if I try every option, sooner or later a solution would be found. I used to believe that there is someone for everyone....but that thinking motivated a obsession of being out there looking and available for dating. Like the rule of sales, make enough cold calls, and someone will buy. I have found it is irrational to think there is someone out there for us all. Lets face it, not all the people in the world can find true love.....it's statistically impossible. Some people are winners.......often, many of us are losers of love. It's a very rational believe that I have that if I couldn't find love in three years.....it's most likely I wont ever find love. Past behaviors is a good predictor of future behaviors. (In the past lesbians have rejected me....future behavior is they will still reject me)

I appreciate your observation that I could be a role model for other trans. I created a transition business plan, I knew how to increase my revenue and cut costs to afford transition. I focused on what was important to be acceptable and presentable to keep my career. Again,k when I was doing activism, I was a public role model for other transpeople. I have helped a lot of people. The help though kept me publicly out in the GLBT scene. I believe it contributed to how the lesbians have treated me. Because I was so well known as a transgender woman, lesbians never gave me a chance and got to know me. I feel they just wrote me off when they learned I was a chick with a dick as I have heard them say. (I have also been called a manbitch and freak)

Over the past four months I gave up, took down all my dating profiles. I made a strong effort to try and fill my life with other things to make it worth living. I have taken up running and cycling. I often run a local trail.....but then I have to see the straight couples holding hands. The world around me is full of reminders that many have love, and I have none.

I am trying to hold on until this passes. I know the rules of addiction....it's about immediate gratification. This feels horrible, and I am doing all I can to add things to my life, and I hope it passes. Just like the desires for chocolate when sad. I have teared up and cried at least a dozen times each week for the past 6 months..... maybe this time it's not going away and I am stuck.....and this is as good as it gets.
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Old 16th May 2012, 11:53 PM   #8
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Default Re: I hate being Queer

Hey I am not sure I can offer any amazing advice but just felt I wanted to post firstly to the way all the lesbians within the community have treated you, it made me feel so sad and angry when I read your post that at first I didnt know what to say.
I am sure in your time you have helped so many people, and I get the feeling from your post that you are truely a remarkable person, so whilst I appreciate at the moment you are struggling, I think it would be a shame to give in.

I dont know where you live, and im not saying you should have to move but I just wondered if you had thought about it, I realise that job wise and stuff it might not be visable but just thought a fresh start in a new community might be the way forward.

I agree with Jim a therapist might help and might have some ideas, I dont think that talking can ever be particularly deterimental.

As for dating I really hope you dont completely give up, even if you take a break for a while, they say you meet people when you least expect it. I hope you find that the lesbians on EC do not treat you like those you have met in real life.
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Old 16th May 2012, 11:56 PM   #9
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Default Re: I hate being Queer

Maybe you need an apprentince? Sometimes, no matter how terrible your own life may seem, stepping outside of it for a while, and putting your efforts towards helping someone else with theirs, can give you a different perspective on your own situation.

Just a suggestion.
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Old 17th May 2012, 12:05 AM   #10
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^ Sorry - ignore my above advice. It's pretty rubbishy.
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Old 17th May 2012, 02:31 AM   #11
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Default Re: I hate being Queer

Ok first things first!

I don't understand why lesbians wouldn't like trans, i mean i understand mob mentality well enough and i know my fair share about bullying. Its just i expect better from them, homosexuality is a huge struggle, however it doesnt involve major life changing surgery, it doesnt involve feeling like you've got the wrong body, what im trying to say in a very in-articulate way is that i think trans people have a much harder journey towards self acceptance than a lesbian. However homosexuality isnt an easy journey by any means and i would've thought they would be more open minded and accepting. Maybe im just naiive. On the bright side if they run a mile when you tell them your trans then they clearly weren't worth your time anyhow.

I personally am a big believer in love and there being someone for everyone, so don't you go giving up that fight! Silver had some good advice in maybe considering a move? A new town/city hell if your really feeling brave maybe a new country! Theres a lot of people out there in the world and im sure theres one for you, dont give up hope

Im sure there was more i wanted to say but my brains gone blank now

Were all here for you
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Old 17th May 2012, 04:53 AM   #12
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Again,,,, thanks to everyone for letting me vent and release some pain.

I have considered moving. In 2011, I spent one weekend each month in another city. I attended Pride in another major city on the eastern American region. Even recently I attended a glbt vacation beach spot, and while my gay friend had no problem finding boys, I felt like the only single lesbian. I did enough traveling and exploring other queer scenes to know that moving most likely wont address the problem. It's not just my city that sucks, but the overall dating in the lesbian scene sucks.

I have tried to take ownership on my life and my life issues. I have explored maybe it's not the social scenes I have been in, but maybe it is me. I have often been told I look like a straight girl. I love express clothing, my hair is long, I wear makeup, my nails are painted. I don't look like the typical lesbian. I often feel that I am in the position that I have to cut my hair short, start wearing only cargo shorts, wear men's cothing, and play softball to trip others gaydar.

When I consider my ownership, I feel that the only way I can find someone is if I lower my standard, change who I am, pretty much living the same bullshit that I had to do when I was forced to live as a male for half my life.

I hate being trans because of the large investment of money. Healthy insurance doesn't really pay for much of it. I estimate I have spent over 60,000 on various surgeries. Basically my retirement was spent addressing a medical variance the insurance world thinks it was a choice. If this was a choice.....I would have never made it. Who chooses to be treated in such a sucky way.

As for an apprentice.....I know another major concept of counseling is that as bad as I have it, there are others who have it worse. I still have a job, house, and health. It's hard to keep that perception when it's been such a long time since I have been touched, desired, flirted with.

I have been focusing on other things in life. I ran my first 5k in February. I did my first triathlon weeks ago. I am trimming down and training for endurance racing. I like having goals and sometimes I find peace on the open road fighting to run/bike up a hill. Sometimes though, it hurts because I see family and friends at a race cheering on their loved one....I am no one's loved.
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Old 17th May 2012, 05:39 AM   #13
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Default Re: I hate being Queer

Grats on the triathlons and bike races! Im trying to loose weight too atm, its a slooow process lol.

You mentioned dropping your standards, i dont think you should do that, but what are your standards?

Also i have no idea what the lgbt scene is like in the US, but maybe you could try city break holidays to other english speaking countries and have a nose at their scene? Like canada, australia, uk etc etc, if you enjoyed them then you could make long term plans.

Speaking of long term plans, what about a long distance relationship? I know they are a lot trickier/more expensive but it might open up your options a bit more?

Also i don't think you should change how you dress to suit others, theres nothing wrong with looking girly!

But the way if im being annoying feel free to tell me to shush, im just chucking ideas around merrilly!

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Old 17th May 2012, 06:56 AM   #14
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god and here I was thinking being a lesbian transgendered person would be a good thing in the long term lol

Always good to hear from your elders for a bit of perspective <_<
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Old 17th May 2012, 09:40 AM   #15
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Default Re: I hate being Queer

Hey I know you said already that you tried online dating, I just was wondering if in your profile you set out that you were transgendered or just lesbian. I know that you shouldnt have to state upfront that you are trans it should just be accepted but it is clear that it isnt, and maybe you have tried this but I wondered if it outwardly stated that then you wouldnt have the issue of getting to know someone only for when you tell them, it make them disappear.
I also wondered whether there are any online sites where you can look for friendships rather that for relationships, which I know is what you ultimately want but I just thought that maybe by finding friendships with other lesbians when they are not already in groups, you might then meet other like minded people.
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Old 17th May 2012, 11:48 AM   #16
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Default Re: I hate being Queer

You really do sound like an extrodinary person - and someone who this site would really benefit from.

I can't really imagine how difficult your journey has been, or how much you have had to overcome. And I have no doubt that you've made a huge difference in the lives of many people through your advocacy work.

I can imagine that it's frustrating to see your gay friends meeting people with relative ease compared to you. I met my husband fairly soon after coming out (over 4 years ago) and we got married last summer. I know that I am extremely fortunate, and that I'm not sufficiently grateful for the blessings in my life.

All I can suggest is that you continue to hang out here. We'd all like to get to know you better. Based on what you've written here I think we could all learn a lot from you. And at the same time, perhaps you might find some insight or strength (or even just a distraction) in this site.
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Old 17th May 2012, 02:21 PM   #17
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Ok, I am wrapping up my work day, and thought I would check my rank. It is nice to hear such things and read everyone's responses.

Jim - Thank you for the compliment. I try hard to live a good life. I believe in Karma and still hope good things will come around. I wonder if I was a Nazi in a past life and living this life as a punishment. I don't know what you can learn from me though. If I was brilliant, I would be running facebook

SilverHalo - I actually have tried your suggestion. I once joined a transgender website. It was so full of men looking for transwomen. My inbox was full of rude sexual advances thinking all transwomen like"cock". I have tried posting ads on Craigslist listing myself as a transwoman. Sadly, this is when I end up getting "cock" pictures emailed to me, or men posing as a woman. I have tried a few other ways of putting it out there in hopes that maybe a woman would be into it. One thing I have heard from women who tried to date a transwoman is they wont do it again. I know my ex had a hard time with it because of the mixed up gender roles. I don't understand how normal bio female lesbians have this issue. I think my ex had issues of competing with me in the looks.

On a side note, one of the reasons sometimes I try and keep my trans-past on the down low is because I had a woman try and blackmail me once. She threatened to out me to my work. The next day I told my HR manager at the office, sadly she was unprofessional and I got outed via the gossip mill. So I have a lot of trust issues as to who I let in.

I have tried to focus on just adding a lot of friends. I have tried to get new friends, but at my age its hard. Everyone seems busy with their own reltionships at my age. I have obtained a few closer friends and I am trying to invest into them in a safe and positve way. I am also trying to meet more friends via triathlon training. I really wish I knew other transwomen who did triathlons.....the whole tuck and spandex is confusing.

lilbitlost - I have explored other countries in fact. I have been to the UK and I hit Toronto for their pride each year. Canada is different, but again, it seems like most bio female lesbians are into other bio female lesbians. I do try and have an open mind. I'm open to dating another transwoman if there is a connection. I have also been open to a long distance relationship.

For Anonymous - I know I am spouting off lots of pain here. And yes, I am an elder, been out for over a decade now. As bad as this is, I have a feeling I would transition again. I remember how I hated my body before....how I craved death when I lived as a male. It's different now. My self hate of my body is not as bad and thoughts of death are not as common.

In mental health, there is the concept of figure/ground. The human mind can only think at one thing at a time. We are good at switching from topic to topic, but like a single core processor, only one thing is thought of at a time. This is clear in those pictures where you blink and see one picture and on the next blink you see something else. I use this example because often I try and fill my life with so many distractions that I wont think of the pain. The problem I have is when I slow down, and my mind is left to wonder, immediately I think of how empty my life has been.
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Old 17th May 2012, 03:18 PM   #18
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Default Re: I hate being Queer

Eww why are some men so gross? Im sorry you've had to endure so much negativity

I don't have any more suggestions for the moment, i've gone into pondering mode, i shall see what else i can think up!

Are you going to london pride this year? Its world pride this year, i'm hoping to go.
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Old 17th May 2012, 07:38 PM   #19
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(I havn't started transition yet)

All of what you said has been one of the main things that has kept me from starting transition yet. It really is horrible and scary.

But I think a lot of the hate and un-love from the lesbian scene is from you being pre-op.

Are you not interested in ever having SRS? I think that would solve a lot of that.
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Old 18th May 2012, 11:30 AM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anonymous View Post
(I havn't started transition yet)

All of what you said has been one of the main things that has kept me from starting transition yet. It really is horrible and scary.

But I think a lot of the hate and un-love from the lesbian scene is from you being pre-op.

Are you not interested in ever having SRS? I think that would solve a lot of that.
Your decision to transition is totally up to you. It is different for each of us. You are transitioning in a time where the younger generation are more open minded to such things. I grew up in a time before the internet. There was no transgender people on TV. Now we have a transgender woman going for a beauty pagent and Chaz dancing with the stars. Your future is with a generation much more accepting.

Being pre-op vs. post-op wont change how lesbians treat me. I support that comment because no one see's what is in between my legs. There always seems to be a lot of attention to that....but really, how often is it seen? I focused on my outward appearance as a female. A transgender woman passes with her face, public body presentation, not what is between the legs. I know a great number of trans women who got SRS and still couldn't figure out why they are not accepted as women. Having SRS wont help one pass unless one shows their vag off.

I think lesbian hate of transgender women steam from several things. 1) I think many lesbians who are hurt and angry with how society treated them, like to treat other minorities that way. I kind of feel that many people feel good about themselves if they can put someone else down. 2) I have noticed a lot of lesbians never learned to embrace or be femme. Maybe they always wanted to be "pretty" but never knew how. Maybe they resent transwomen who become prettier women than them despite the wrong chromosomes. 3) I think sometimes lesbians dont understand the various types of gender variance. So many times I was perceived as liking men. A lesbian once said to me, "if you like women why not stay a man?" Far too often people think sexuality controls gender expression.....it doesn't. 4) I think the wolf in sheeps clothing concept also comes into play. No matter how attractive, they dont trust us.

You asked about me having SRS. I wished I had the internal plumbing but I dont. Growing up I longed for it, cried myself to sleep over it. Now, who really sees it. I dont have a lover, and I stay covered at the gym. For the 20k it will cost me, I would rather take a vacation with that money. I also think having it removed so I am accepted is a poor reason to do it.

Lastly, My decision to transition was still a good one. I felt I had two sucky choices, and I went with the lesser of two evils. For many of us, our choices and options suck. Hopefully for your generation, things will be better.

lilbitlost - I kept and open mind towards men when I was transitioning. I like some things, but had issues with others. I like to explain it this way. I can have a good time in bed with a man, penetration can get me off. In bed, I could be considered slightly bi. However, my attraction.....what I find beautiful is femme women. Men I just do not find attractive. I dont see a guy and think "wow is he hot" I wish I could be pansexual. I envy my bi friends as they have tons of options. Sadly, I have little choice in what I find attractive just like I had little choice in being queer.

I wont be a london pride for world pride, but I will be at it in Toronto next year.
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