Having sex with my dad

[Anonymous]

i live iwith another roommate and sometimes my father would like to come over and have sex with me. please don't judge, that's how it came to be. right now im alittle afraid that my roommate will tell someone else or tell my future boyfriend and it may ruin the relationship. Would you date someone who's had sex with their dad?

[Orcas]

Hi there! Beyond the question of whether or not someone would go on a date with someone who had sex with their dad, and if you don't mind me asking, how do you feel about what happened? Have you talked to someone (other than your roommate) about what happened? Did it happen recently or some time ago?

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by Mirko

Hi there! Beyond the question of whether or not someone would go on a date with someone who had sex with their dad, and if you don't mind me asking, how do you feel about what happened? Have you talked to someone (other than your roommate) about what happened? Did it happen recently or some time ago?

it happend quite some time ago. actually it started when i was really little like just beginning high school. it was a progressive sort of thing. first it started with him feeling my butt then he would make a grab for my cock until it climaxed to the full intercourse.

but i want your opinion, if someone were to find out about this, but they really like me, do you think they would dump me over this.

[Atticus]

Have you considered not telling others? I don't know if your roommate already knows, but, considering that this is not a typical relationship had with fathers and is not exactly legal in most countries, it might be best to keep it on the down-low, unless you can be certain that your roommate would not tell anyone else. I believe that incestuous relationships are fine, so long as they involve consenting adults, but you might be in danger if someone else were to discover your sexual history with your dad. I personally would not mind dating a person who has been in this sort of situation. Others might not feel the same way. My advice to you is to tread carefully. If your roommate already knows (and you know for a fact that the roommate does know) sit down with this person and ask if they would mind keeping it quiet for a while. Or, if the roommate does not know and you intend to continue to have sex with your dad, it may be ideal to ask your dad if you could meet in other places besides your apartment, just to keep your roommate out of this aspect of your life.

The way you phrase how your "father would like to come and have sex with [you]" makes it seem that this may not be entirely consensual. If this is a case, then maybe you should call the police. Even if incest is okay in my book, non-consensual sex is not and it might be in your best interest to report this. If you have agreed to a sexual relationship with your father, then disregard this paragraph.

I hope I've been helpful. I'm sorry if I haven't been.

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by Atticus

Have you considered not telling others? I don't know if your roommate already knows, but, considering that this is not a typical relationship had with fathers and is not exactly legal in most countries, it might be best to keep it on the down-low, unless you can be certain that your roommate would not tell anyone else. I believe that incestuous relationships are fine, so long as they involve consenting adults, but you might be in danger if someone else were to discover your sexual history with your dad. I personally would not mind dating a person who has been in this sort of situation. Others might not feel the same way. My advice to you is to tread carefully. If your roommate already knows (and you know for a fact that the roommate does know) sit down with this person and ask if they would mind keeping it quiet for a while. Or, if the roommate does not know and you intend to continue to have sex with your dad, it may be ideal to ask your dad if you could meet in other places besides your apartment, just to keep your roommate out of this aspect of your life.

The way you phrase how your "father would like to come and have sex with [you]" makes it seem that this may not be entirely consensual. If this is a case, then maybe you should call the police. Even if incest is okay in my book, non-consensual sex is not and it might be in your best interest to report this. If you have agreed to a sexual relationship with your father, then disregard this paragraph.

I hope I've been helpful. I'm sorry if I haven't been.

it's more or less consensual now, at least i consider it to be. i've gotten over the initial feelings of being violated and now it feels very routine.

i try to keep it down-low. i'm kind of afraid of the roommate telling others. i keep getting this bad vibe from him. i'm so afraid that right now i'm plotting to move out of england and to the u.s. and changing my name and maybe my appearances a little so that he would never be able to recognize me again.

[Atticus]

I don't think you should have to go so far as to change your name and everything else. Do you know for a fact that your roommate knows?

[HazMattic_Force]

It sounds like someone needs to be contacted to deal with this is this started unconsensual then he needs to be put away because it's wrong to force anything on anyone . It sounds more like it's molestation or rape . You need to contact someone what he is doing is wrong and illegal

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by Atticus

I don't think you should have to go so far as to change your name and everything else. Do you know for a fact that your roommate knows?

i have a feeling he knows. he lives right above me, and i don't know how much the sound can go through the ceiling, but he always gives me this bad feeling. and whenever my dad and i are in the middle of it, i hear him walking and moving above us. and we are not on friendly term due to certain incidents in the past. and im a little afraid.

[Chip]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

it's more or less consensual now, at least i consider it to be. i've gotten over the initial feelings of being violated and now it feels very routine

Here's the problem. It's NOT consensual; the initial feelings of violation are still there, and you know, in your heart, that this is wrong for you on many levels.

Our minds are incredibly versatile and resilient, and learn to rationalize/accommodate just about any difficulty that we experience.

But what we're talking about here is something that is very, very unhealthy for you emotionally. The very fact that you're worried about your roommate knowing, and wondering how your future boyfriend will handle it makes it clear that there's a lot of shame associated with this.

One of the most difficult things about childhood sexual abuse, particularly familial sexual abuse, is that the perpetrator always convinces (or attempts to convince) the child that he enjoys and wants the sex. Perpetrators are masterful in manipulating the minds of their victims into making them believe that such activities are consensual, and that is one of the biggest causes of the shame; the abused boy comes to believe that he must have wanted it because he didn't do enough to stop it, or because the abuser told him that he brought it on himself because of how sexy he was, or something like that.

I have worked with many survivors of male sexual abuse and many, many of them have told similar stories to yours... and in most cases, when the abuse continued into late teen and early adulthood, the now-young-adult speaks of it as consensual or "mostly consensual" but that isn't an honest answer because the activity started happening at an age where the child was not in a position to consent.

You may not see it yet, but the effects of this abuse on you are already profound. You're obviously aware of the shame, but probably not of the secondary effects in how you look at sex, how you experience sex, and so forth.

To answer your question, you can certainly find someone who will love you and be understanding and won't care about the experiences you've had with your father. But you need to work right away on the current situation, because it is not emotionally healthy for you and will continue to cause you self-esteem and shame issues until you do start working it through.

But you've already taken the first step, which is talking about it. And as I hope you've seen, EC is a supportive community where you can talk about this situation without being judged.

If you are comfortable PMing me, I can point you to some resources that can help, and perhaps talk to you in more detail about the issues that are going on and the feelings that you probably already have and are either pushing down or have numbed yourself out to. The important thing is to know that you are a beautiful person worthy of love and belonging, and you WILL find someone to cultivate a healthy, loving relationship with. It's unfortunate what's happened, but it is not your fault, and nothing you did (or continue to do) makes it OK, or justifies your dad's actions. You were put in a situation where you really had no choice, and once in that situation, your mind did the only thing it could do, which was to numb and rationalize it so you could get through it.

You'll get through this, and EC is here and with you to help.

i try to keep it down-low. i'm kind of afraid of the roommate telling others. i keep getting this bad vibe from him. i'm so afraid that right now i'm plotting to move out of england and to the u.s. and changing my name and maybe my appearances a little so that he would never be able to recognize me again.[/QUOTE]

[Revan]

I say move out. If he for some reason starts stalking you then you can call the cops. Even if it's consensual now, it still wasn't to begin with and I feel like you need to talk to someone because even now I don't think it's full on consensual, just repeated exposure has likely made you feel as though it's just normal now. I'm not saying it's not possible, it just feels like your father is taking advantage of you. And if he were to tell someone, I don't think you'd be the one in trouble, your father would. So while he shouldn't be doing what he's doing, if you want to keep it between you, move out. If you really have a bad relationship with him in the first place, I'd say move out.

Unfortunately, what a lot of people don't seem to realize is that many boys (regardless of age) have a bond with there fathers. If he tells anyone about what his father is doing then his father could possibly go to jail or prison. His family will be destroyed because of this... and it will all be because this young man had to say something. Many boys feel that it is there responsibility to protect the family. Telling would not be protecting the family. I don't know if this is in fact the situation, I just know that I haven't heard any of this mentioned yet. This is not an easy decision for him to make, I would imagine it is probably the most difficult decision he has ever had to make.

If you want to "protect" your family and you want your father to stop what he is doing... Then I would suggest that you tell your boyfriend and also tell him that you want to move very far away, where your father can't do that to you anymore. When you come back to visit your family, stay in a hotel with the doors locked. Many will tell you to report your father, they think that it will be better for you to do that. But sometimes reporting the abuser brings more pain then not reporting him.

If you were to report him then you would have to tell the police, doctors, shrinks, attorneys (or what ever there called in your country), and a courtroom of people, about all the things he did to you. And you can't even talk to your roommate about it now. I'm not going to tell you to do one thing or the other. That is a choice you have to make.

In regards to your original question... If your boyfriend loves you and cares about you then he will stick by you, however, I would imagine he will be very angry with your father and may try to hurt him physically for this. Also he is going to want it to stop, there isn't any question about that. This is a decision you are going to have to make yourself, and there will be pro's and con's regardless. But you need to look at this from every angle and expect the unexpected. Good luck

[Steve712]

Originally Posted by TeeJay

Unfortunately, what a lot of people don't seem to realize is that many boys (regardless of age) have a bond with there fathers. If he tells anyone about what his father is doing then his father could possibly go to jail or prison. His family will be destroyed because of this... and it will all be because this young man had to say something. Many boys feel that it is there responsibility to protect the family. Telling would not be protecting the family. I don't know if this is in fact the situation, I just know that I haven't heard any of this mentioned yet. This is not an easy decision for him to make, I would imagine it is probably the most difficult decision he has ever had to make.

If you want to "protect" your family and you want your father to stop what he is doing... Then I would suggest that you tell your boyfriend and also tell him that you want to move very far away, where your father can't do that to you anymore. When you come back to visit your family, stay in a hotel with the doors locked. Many will tell you to report your father, they think that it will be better for you to do that. But sometimes reporting the abuser brings more pain then not reporting him.

If you were to report him then you would have to tell the police, doctors, shrinks, attorneys (or what ever there called in your country), and a courtroom of people, about all the things he did to you. And you can't even talk to your roommate about it now. I'm not going to tell you to do one thing or the other. That is a choice you have to make.

In regards to your original question... If your boyfriend loves you and cares about you then he will stick by you, however, I would imagine he will be very angry with your father and may try to hurt him physically for this. Also he is going to want it to stop, there isn't any question about that. This is a decision you are going to have to make yourself, and there will be pro's and con's regardless. But you need to look at this from every angle and expect the unexpected. Good luck

Very sound advice, just wanted to endorse this. I wish you the best of luck.

[Revan]

Originally Posted by Steve712

Very sound advice, just wanted to endorse this. I wish you the best of luck.

Same. Though I would just say to Teejay, he said he doesn't have a bf at the moment, he just meant future boyfriend.

[electrolicious]

Originally Posted by TeeJay

Unfortunately, what a lot of people don't seem to realize is that many boys (regardless of age) have a bond with there fathers. If he tells anyone about what his father is doing then his father could possibly go to jail or prison. His family will be destroyed because of this... and it will all be because this young man had to say something. Many boys feel that it is there responsibility to protect the family. Telling would not be protecting the family. I don't know if this is in fact the situation, I just know that I haven't heard any of this mentioned yet. This is not an easy decision for him to make, I would imagine it is probably the most difficult decision he has ever had to make.

If you want to "protect" your family and you want your father to stop what he is doing... Then I would suggest that you tell your boyfriend and also tell him that you want to move very far away, where your father can't do that to you anymore. When you come back to visit your family, stay in a hotel with the doors locked. Many will tell you to report your father, they think that it will be better for you to do that. But sometimes reporting the abuser brings more pain then not reporting him.

If you were to report him then you would have to tell the police, doctors, shrinks, attorneys (or what ever there called in your country), and a courtroom of people, about all the things he did to you. And you can't even talk to your roommate about it now. I'm not going to tell you to do one thing or the other. That is a choice you have to make.

In regards to your original question... If your boyfriend loves you and cares about you then he will stick by you, however, I would imagine he will be very angry with your father and may try to hurt him physically for this. Also he is going to want it to stop, there isn't any question about that. This is a decision you are going to have to make yourself, and there will be pro's and con's regardless. But you need to look at this from every angle and expect the unexpected. Good luck

Except that, by not reporting this, the OP wouldn't be "protecting" his family at all, and could in fact be harming them even more. What if the OP has a younger sibling that his father is molesting/raping as well (or an older one who has already been traumatised by it)? The OP has the power to prevent any further actions from happening and/or to give his siblings the courage to be upfront about any sexual abuse they may have experienced at his hands. I'm not minimising the difficulty of the situation; telling on your own family member is difficult, but this man poses a threat not only to other relatives, but to society. If the father is willing to do this to his under-aged son, who's to say that he won't try it on other kids, especially if he's in a position of power over them daily, such as a teacher? Then what happens when one of those children reports him to the police? Personally, I think it'd be a lot better to keep this a private matter than to wait until it becomes a more public affair, which would put the whole family in the spotlight. Not fun. Lastly, not telling your family about something this major just creates relationships based on lies, and who wants that?

Saying "His family will be destroyed because of this... and it will all be because this young man had to say something" just sounds like a lot of victim blaming to me. The OP shouldn't feel ashamed for telling and possibly stirring up some drama. That's like telling any non-incestuous rape victim that they shouldn't confess, because the rapist has a family and they'd be heartbroken to see their loved one go to prison. In reality, if the family is destroyed by such a revelation, they should be blaming the father for it, because he's a creep.

Originally Posted by electrolicious

Except that, by not reporting this, the OP wouldn't be "protecting" his family at all, and could in fact be harming them even more. What if the OP has a younger sibling that his father is molesting/raping as well (or an older one who has already been traumatised by it)? The OP has the power to prevent any further actions from happening and/or to give his siblings the courage to be upfront about any sexual abuse they may have experienced at his hands. I'm not minimising the difficulty of the situation; telling on your own family member is difficult, but this man poses a threat not only to other relatives, but to society. If the father is willing to do this to his under-aged son, who's to say that he won't try it on other kids, especially if he's in a position of power over them daily, such as a teacher? Then what happens when one of those children reports him to the police? Personally, I think it'd be a lot better to keep this a private matter than to wait until it becomes a more public affair, which would put the whole family in the spotlight. Not fun. Lastly, not telling your family about something this major just creates relationships based on lies, and who wants that?

Saying "His family will be destroyed because of this... and it will all be because this young man had to say something" just sounds like a lot of victim blaming to me. The OP shouldn't feel ashamed for telling and possibly stirring up some drama. That's like telling any non-incestuous rape victim that they shouldn't confess, because the rapist has a family and they'd be heartbroken to see their loved one go to prison. In reality, if the family is destroyed by such a revelation, they should be blaming the father for it, because he's a creep.

You bring up a lot of good points, However, I'm not a shrink... I can only speak on what I've seen in a simular situation. There is a lot of - how things should be, and there is a lot of real world. You may think I did some "victim blaming" and perhaps I did, but I'm speaking from the real world and this is what happens. Also he didn't say anything about siblings, I would imagine that if he had a sibling his father wouldn't be driving to his apartment at night just to mess with him.

You do have a lot of good points, and as I pointed out, he needs to look at this from every angle and expect the unexpected. That means my views, your views, and everyone else's views. Regardless of what he does, it's not going to be an easy thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by HazMattic_Force

It sounds like someone needs to be contacted to deal with this is this started unconsensual then he needs to be put away because it's wrong to force anything on anyone . It sounds more like it's molestation or rape . You need to contact someone what he is doing is wrong and illegal

I'm a female who has had similar experience with my father. I too consider it rape. But, none of the definitions of rape back me up- I never said "no" or "stop" except for a rare moment of bravery, and he has never hurt me to the point of bruises...
but it scares me... I can't tell any1...I tried the first time he mollested me (this started out gradually 4 me 2 and has been going on since elementary), but it hurt my mom a lot and they kept telling me that maybe it was a dream, so finally i went a long with it and now mom is happy- i have to keep this FOR her...
and it is starting to feel almost routine now for me like it does for the orig. post-er.
And recently I orgasmed for the first time with him... I hate myself for that...

Originally Posted by Anonymous

I'm a female who has had similar experience with my father. I too consider it rape. But, none of the definitions of rape back me up- I never said "no" or "stop" except for a rare moment of bravery, and he has never hurt me to the point of bruises...
but it scares me... I can't tell any1...I tried the first time he mollested me (this started out gradually 4 me 2 and has been going on since elementary), but it hurt my mom a lot and they kept telling me that maybe it was a dream, so finally i went a long with it and now mom is happy- i have to keep this FOR her...
and it is starting to feel almost routine now for me like it does for the orig. post-er.
And recently I orgasmed for the first time with him... I hate myself for that...

You need to tell someone... A counselor at school, a teacher, a friends parent, a grandparent, someone. Sometimes in a situation like this, the best thing to do is talk to a person outside the family that you can trust. It doesn't matter if you have said no, don't, or stop. Your age is what makes it rape, and the fact that he is your father. Your mom is going to have a hard time dealing with this... I'm sure you know that... But your mom loves you very much and she isn't going to be happy if this is happening to you. No mother wants there child to have this forced on them. What will happen if you get pregnant? If nothing else go to the Emergency room and speak to a Doctor.

[Chip]

I'm a female who has had similar experience with my father. I too consider it rape. But, none of the definitions of rape back me up- I never said "no" or "stop" except for a rare moment of bravery, and he has never hurt me to the point of bruises...
but it scares me... I can't tell any1...I tried the first time he mollested me (this started out gradually 4 me 2 and has been going on since elementary), but it hurt my mom a lot and they kept telling me that maybe it was a dream, so finally i went a long with it and now mom is happy- i have to keep this FOR her...
and it is starting to feel almost routine now for me like it does for the orig. post-er.
And recently I orgasmed for the first time with him... I hate myself for that...

First, the definitions of rape and sexual abuse are completely different. Children and teens who are sexually abused do not need to demonstrate any amount of resistance, because childhood sexual abuse is wrong and can never be consensual under any circumstances. If you want this to stop, EC has professional staff that can assist you in making the report. The "Maybe it was a dream" stuff is obviously BS, and if your mom knows or knew and did nothing, she is just as complicit as he is. If you make the proper report, you WILL be believed and the situation WILL stop.

But the point is... there is help available. You absolutely, positively SHOULD NOT continue with this "to make your mom happy" because it means a lifetime of hurt for you.

Please PM me if you want help with this, and we'll help you take the steps to get yourself safe.

[Chip]

Originally Posted by electrolicious

Except that, by not reporting this, the OP wouldn't be "protecting" his family at all, and could in fact be harming them even more. What if the OP has a younger sibling that his father is molesting/raping as well (or an older one who has already been traumatised by it)? The OP has the power to prevent any further actions from happening and/or to give his siblings the courage to be upfront about any sexual abuse they may have experienced at his hands.

While I agree with you in principle, the important issue here is not the family or others, but the OP himself. The OP clearly isn't prepared to take the steps that would lead to further complications with his family, so the immediate issue is getting him safe, and guilting him about what he should or should not do is not the way to help that situation.

It's easy to tell someone to do that, and in practice, it's a lot more complex and not nearly as black and white as it appears. So please be a little more thoughtful here... it is the OP, who is a member of the EC community, that we should be focusing on first.

Saying "His family will be destroyed because of this... and it will all be because this young man had to say something" just sounds like a lot of victim blaming to me. The OP shouldn't feel ashamed for telling and possibly stirring up some drama. That's like telling any non-incestuous rape victim that they shouldn't confess, because the rapist has a family and they'd be heartbroken to see their loved one go to prison. In reality, if the family is destroyed by such a revelation, they should be blaming the father for it, because he's a creep.

I do completely agree with this point. The decision to tell someone about a situation involving childhood sexual abuse is NEVER someone should accept any "blame" for the consequences of; it is the act of the perpetrator that is reprehensible and to blame for any problem that arises, not the act of reporting the crime on the part of the victim.

[electrolicious]

Originally Posted by Chip

While I agree with you in principle, the important issue here is not the family or others, but the OP himself. The OP clearly isn't prepared to take the steps that would lead to further complications with his family, so the immediate issue is getting him safe, and guilting him about what he should or should not do is not the way to help that situation.

It's easy to tell someone to do that, and in practice, it's a lot more complex and not nearly as black and white as it appears. So please be a little more thoughtful here... it is the OP, who is a member of the EC community, that we should be focusing on first.

I apologise if it came across that way. My statement was supposed to be more of a counter to what TeeJay said than telling the OP what to do. If and/or when the OP feels comfortable taking these steps, I just want to emphasize that he shouldn't feel ashamed that he would supposedly be ruining his family, and that reporting it can in fact be beneficial in "protecting" his family, if that would be one of the OP's concerns. I agree that the OP should set his focus on trying to get safe for now, and not feel guilted into any action either way; that was not my intention. This is definitely a complex situation, and requires great care in handling it.