Can't shake a guy crushing on me

[Anonymous]

Hi I'm a straight girl but I was recommended to this site for advice

I'm 25 and there is a guy crushing really hard on me. We were friends at first which was fine, but soon his attentions got a little over the top with familiarity and emotion, which just got worse over time. He is a nice guy but just doesn't get that I'm not interested in him. We see each other once a week usually because of mutual friends, and I'm sure he must have noticed me being more aloof because of his over the top attentions. Now he has sent me a couple of messages upset that I didn't reply to his request for a phone call. He says I make him feel stupid and was swearing and very angry. Before I could reply, about half an hour later he messaged again saying we need to do lunch knowing that all he wants is my company, a smile and my happiness. How do you shake these types?

[Night Rain]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

Hi I'm a straight girl but I was recommended to this site for advice

I'm 25 and there is a guy crushing really hard on me. We were friends at first which was fine, but soon his attentions got a little over the top with familiarity and emotion, which just got worse over time. He is a nice guy but just doesn't get that I'm not interested in him. We see each other once a week usually because of mutual friends, and I'm sure he must have noticed me being more aloof because of his over the top attentions. Now he has sent me a couple of messages upset that I didn't reply to his request for a phone call. He says I make him feel stupid and was swearing and very angry. Before I could reply, about half an hour later he messaged again saying we need to do lunch knowing that all he wants is my company, a smile and my happiness. How do you shake these types?

Be upfront and tell him that you're not interested and he bothers you. If he's still persistent, just ignore him.

[Anonymous]

Ignoring isn't really an option because I see him every week because of the social circle. I don't want to stop going out so I'll necessarily see him sometimes

[Night Rain]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

Ignoring isn't really an option because I see him every week because of the social circle. I don't want to stop going out so I'll necessarily see him sometimes

Believe me it's possible. You can see him and ignore him at the same time. You can even talk, but it will be strictly work-related (or for social purpose). Soon, he'll give up.

Or if you want to be extreme (like me) ignore him entirely, even in group work. No eye contact, no communication (I did this to one guy).

But my advice is to tell him that you're not interested and he annoys/bothers/etc. you.

[Peanuts]

Originally Posted by Night Rain

But my advice is to tell him that you're not interested and he annoys/bothers/etc. you.

Basically this. I know it sucks, but the only way to tell persistent guys you're not interested in them is to be straightforward about it. Just straight up tell him that you're not attracted to him and that you're bothered by his repeated attempts at contact.

It seems bitchy but it's less bitchy than ignoring him and (I know) sugarcoating the rejection. I know guys who lose respect for a girl if they do the whole, "It's not you it's me you're a really nice guy but you're not my type," etc. If you make it quick, it'll be easier for a guy to get over you.

[Lexington]

First off, don't give him a rationale for WHY you're not interested. It gives him something to work on, with the expectation that once that obstacle is cleared, then you'll be interested.

Secondly, you've tried being subtle. You've tried being nice. Now be blunt.

"We do not need to 'do lunch'. I just don't have any interest in you. And since you seem intent on bothering me despite me telling you this, I'm going to go ahead and block your number."

Lex

[Anonymous]

I agree that you need to be as blunt as you can, it seems harsh but it's better to make it very clear to him sooner rather than later. I had a guy just like this when I was at school, I wasn't blunt and it ended up being a nightmare; he wouldn't leave me alone at all and it went on way longer than it should have.

Good luck with it.

[Pseudojim]

Hi All,

The original poster is an RL friend of mine. I'm far from an expert but my advice so far is:

Right then...

So, if you can keep him calm you should. Even if he doesn't stay calm, you need to stay calm and rational yourself. If he picks at you, don't descend to that level, that will fuel the fire. At the moment any interaction he has with you on any emotional level will encourage him to do the same thing later. So i would say don't challenge him, just lay out facts in a calm and rational way. Put up a wall of logic, and refuse to deal with him from anywhere but behind that wall.

First thing to keep in mind is no-one is more at fault than anyone else here, in terms of intentions. He doesn't mean to act a creepy way, and you know that you don't mean to confuse him, but they both still happen.

So, lay out some facts. In laying them out, it might be an idea to completely avoid any reference to his romantic feelings. You're going to be saying something he doesn't want to hear, and he will latch on to anything that could even remotely be considered an inaccuracy in it to attempt to discredit the whole thing. Even if you are completely accurate, you still can't technically prove that you know how he feels after all. You might be right about it, but it's both deniable and possibly perceived as a personal criticism ('disrespectful'), and thus fuel.

Lay out facts and your own feelings, neither of which he can deny: you two were spending a lot of time together in the beginning, which may or may not have been enjoyable, but you don't want to do that any more because you got creeped out after a time, and ever since trying to distance yourself from him he has been trying too hard and applying too much pressure on you. You don't want to have lunch with him. You don't want to have any one-on-one time. You don't want to chat all the time. Something like "I'm happy to see you in the company of all our friends but i feel suffocated, so everything else has to stop" might work. Friendships are based on respect (as he clearly knows), and that respect entails respecting wishes.

At the end, to soften it a bit, it might be an idea to apologise that he got upset and made to feel stupid, and that it was never your intention. Something like "I'm sorry that i've made you feel confused over the past. At times i didn't know how to tell you i didn't want to much attention. From now on, starting with this message, i'll try to be more clear to you as and i hope this message solves that problem." might work.

Things to avoid:
1 - Avoid speculation over his motives, feelings, or anything like that. Reference only his actions and the way they made you feel. No-one likes having their feelings pre-empted, even if you're completely spot on.
2 - Avoid leaving windows of opportunity open. In his current mindset he will be liable to wishfully think that even if you're saying no now, things can change and that possibly in the future if he does or says just the right thing, you might change your mind.
3 - Emotional language. This needs to be cold. Not harsh, just cold, bland, uncompromising, completely clear. And you need to keep being cold in times to come to get him off your back.


He might blow up in response. Don't worry about that. It might be best to consider your relationship with him at the moment as sort of professional... You have a job to do, and to get it done, you'll need to stay focused on the goal and on keeping your cool, no matter what. Don't open any emotional windows, at least for the moment they are not for him to see into.

I get the feeling i am missing some really important things, i'll run this past EC and see if anyone has anything to add (or anything to discredit as a bad idea)


Anyone got any critiques?

[Pseudojim]

Originally Posted by Pseudojim

Anyone got any critiques?

Especially Lex? =)

[Lexington]

Your ideas are sound, if dealing with a standard run-of-the-mill "this guy is interested in me and I'm not interested in him" situation. And if she's never actually said "I'm not interested in you", your technique might work. My worry is that she HAS told him that, and he's...well, delusional.

Biggest and best example. Back in college, there was a really unnerving guy that liked hanging out with me and my friends. And we didn't like him. At all. He was annoying and creepy. (He asked one of our female friends out. She said no. He hit her. That kind of creepy.) And we tried everything to get him to understand "We really don't like you." We ignored him. We belittled him. We flat-out TOLD him. We took him to the college counselor and said "You seem to think we like hanging out with you. But we don't. We'd prefer you not hang out with us at all. Do you understand?" And he said "No." And continued showing up. We had to actively lock him out of our circle to get him to not hang out with us.

And I'm getting a bit of that vibe from this guy.

"I didn't reply to his request for a phone call. He says I make him feel stupid and was swearing and very angry. Before I could reply, about half an hour later he messaged again saying we need to do lunch knowing that all he wants is my company, a smile and my happiness."

The OP seems to have indicated that she's made her intentions pretty clear that she isn't interested. But he responds first by getting angry, and then by not just inviting her to lunch, but to suggest that lunch is an inevitability.

Given that, I think the smart move is to give him as little to work with as possible. Your suggestions aren't bad at all, but they involve things like "softening the blow". It's possible that what he'll get from this isn't "she isn't interested in me" but "she cares enough about me to talk to me like this". Saying "I'm not interested, and I'm blocking your number" doesn't give him anything to work with at all.

Lex

[Pseudojim]

Knowing the fellow, i don't think it's as bad as all that, thankfully!

But that is one hell of a story! I've never known anyone like that... Frightning

And thanks for the words of wisdom Lex, i think she'll be fine now =)