I can't trust any of my boyfriends/girlfriends.

[Anonymous]

I may or may not be starting a new relationship sometime in the future with someone who is just awesome. I like everything in him and I think we really get along together. However, every time I start a new relationship with someone, I'm immediately reminded of my extreme jealousy in past relationships.

Basically, anytime I've been with someone, I could never think they were going out with friends or going anywhere else without thinking it was with the motive to cheat on me. Also, completely nerve-wracking cases were anything that could lead to an affair: gay guy talking to another gay guy, woman talking to a straight man, basically anything where the orientations matched up. I had this constant feeling that everything they did unmonitored would eventually devolve into cheating. I had this constant feeling that I was damn lucky for tricking them into dating me and that they would take the first opportunity to find someone better on the drop of a hat.

Every part of me wanted to monitor all of their communications to make sure they weren't putting themselves in those opportunities where they could "slip" away from me. Every part of me knew that whenever they talked to someone I didn't know or went out somewhere without me, they were absolutely going to be wooed by someone better. Every part of me wanted to make sure they would never go anywhere without me to prevent them from ever leaving me, because I worked so hard to get them by a mere stroke of luck in the first place.

Of course, doing any of these things would not only give away your worries but also be a gigantic dick move. Naturally, I never harassed them. In fact, I never even told them about my concerns. Wherever they wanted to go or whoever they wanted to talk with, I never stopped them. The effects of this crippling lack of trust were almost entirely internal. I would just stay quiet and agonize in anxiety until they came home, or leave the room when they talked with someone online and just tried to forget what I saw. Whenever he/she wold ask what I was worried about, I would just lie and tell them it was school. I reasoned that I couldn't be angry at them for being crap compared to other people in the first place, and that every moment I had with anyone I was lucky enough to trick into dating me was precious and rare. I didn't want to sound strange, controlling, or jealous, so I never told them a damn thing. But inside my anxiety was up past the moon. It was such crippling anxiety that would keep me up at night and ruin my evenings or days.

I don't want to go through this again, feeling sick and hurt and being worried that every relationship of mine will barely survive. How can I get over this?

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

I reasoned that I couldn't be angry at them for being crap compared to other people in the first place...

OP addendum. This sentence is unclear. To clarify, I was the person I thought was crap, not them. =p

[TheEdend]

I don't want to go through this again, feeling sick and hurt and being worried that every relationship of mine will barely survive. How can I get over this?

Usually jealousy comes from our own insecurities, which, like you have mentioned, come from the lack of self-esteem. So in order for you to stop being so jealous then you have to work on that first and foremost.

Given that working on ones self-esteem is a hard process and most people never really stop working on that, but there are things that you can do to help yourself out. The biggest and probably the most helpful would be to go see a therapist who can guide you through the whole process. Think of a therapist as your personal trainer. You could either exercise alone without really knowing what to do or you can get someone with experience to guide you to what you have to do.

The hardest part I think is that you are aware of the problem though so you are already in the right path