I feel so trapped.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a relationship with a guy, and he's... possessive.



I indentify as bisexual, and he says he accepts it. But he doesn't like me talking about my orientation at all. According to him, my bisexuality doesn't matter anymore, because I'm in a "straight" relationship. So, basically, he says I'm straight now.
But he's very interested in the idea of a threesome, so of course, my orientation only matters again when he's horny. Then it suddenly becomes "sexy".

He constantly accuses me of crushing on other guys/girls. He gets angry if I hang out with any of my guy-friends.

He gets moody and jealous whenever he suspects that another guy is crushing on me. (He generally has no proof of this, and I think most of the time, he mistakes friendliness for flirting.)

He hates my ex-boyfriend. Says he doesn't trust him, and doesn't like me talking to him, ever. However, he's friends with every single one of his ex-girlfriends and hook-ups. Hell, some of them still flirt with him. If I try to point out that he isn't being logical or fair about this, he says, "Okay, but me and *insert girl here* broke up ages ago! It's different! You are *ex-boyfriend* only broke up at the beginning of the year."

If I get a text, he'll demand to know who it's from. Usually, it's from my mom, but he doesn't believe me until I show him the message.

And I've assured him, over and over again, that I don't want anyone else. I love him, I'm not going to cheat. But it just doesn't help anymore. I don't think he believes me.

If I post a picture of myself on Facebook, he'll get irritated at me and say, "Great! Now every guy on the planet is gonna be perving over you!". I mean, I don't think I'm ugly. But I'm not a freakin' model either. I'm very average. Most people call me a nerd. There isn't anyone perving over me, I'm certain.

He often makes comments like, "Damn, that girl is hot!" or "Yeahhh, I'd do her. Just saying. I'd do her real good." But if I happen to comment on the attractiveness of another guy/girl, he gets really angry and moody, and won't talk to me for the rest of the day.

I know what you're gonna say: GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE.

But... how? He's generally such a sweet guy. I've been so happy with him, and I love him so much. But I'm not happy now. I don't like being controlled. I'm walking on eggshells around him, and it's horrible! The smallest thing sends him into a rage.

I just don't want to hurt him. He's been hurt so much in the past, I can't bring myself to cause him more pain. I've tried to end it so many times. But when he's in tears and saying "Baby, please, don't go"... I just can't do it. I can't.

And then he promises he'll change, but of course, he doesn't. I feel so trapped...

I guess I just needed to vent. I'm really confused and emotional right now.

Thanks for listening.

[SunSparks]

I can't say I have experience with this, but if I was ever in your situation, this is how I would handle it. I would first start collecting "data." This "data" will be situations in which he tells you not to do something and he does it. Just pictures, video captures on your phone... things like that. Then I would tell him that I have something very serious to talk about. Set up a time where all thats happening is that conversation. Tell him what you are feeling in terms of your frustration about how he treats you. If he doesn't believe you, show him your "data." Tell him that he has to work on himself and how he treats you if the relationship is to progress. Help him, remind him when he mistreats you, and push him so that he can change. Don't put it all on him to change - with your encouragement, maybe he might just change. In this case, since your not asking him to change his personality, I think asking this change is ok. If he doesnt try to change, there simply is only one thing left that you have to do... let him go. Unfortunately, not everything or everyone can be changed, and your happiness and your health should come before a relationship.

Others may handle the situation differently, but this is my take of it. I hope this has given you some ideas on how you might handle your situation. Best of luck.

Also, I think you really need a hug

[Gravity]

To the OP - although I'm not glad to hear about what you're going through, I'm glad to see a post on it, as I'm in a similar situation. A lot of what you describe here sounds like scenes from my relationship. Some samples: he can comment on people he thinks are attractive but I can't, he's extremely jealous (including about my ex and other gay men), questions who texts me, creates weird facebook drama, breaks down in tears when I get close to ending it. Other things have happened too, nothing incredibly dramatic, but the end result is that feeling of being trapped.

I've done a lot of reading about this online, and while I can't link to anything here, what I've found is that a lot of sites describing controlling behavior or verbally abusive behavior in situations of domestic violence tend to describe this pattern pretty well. There's a "cycle of abuse" concept out there that you may want to read up on also. I don't know if you've suspected this or not, but take a look around and see what you think. The more you understand the behavior, the better equipped you'll be to react to it.

The question of whether he's actually being abusive or not is a tough one to answer, but in any case, I think it's safe to say the relationship isn't working as it is - your partner isn't supposed to act in ways that make you feel confused, emotional (in a bad way) and trapped. Also, keep in mind that the in-between periods of feeling great and things going well are actually a part of this pattern - if he wasn't nice some of the time, he wouldn't be abusive, he'd just be an asshole. The "calm" times serve the purpose of reassuring you that things are ok and giving you hope that he'll change. But the one thing you can bet on: he won't. This is the biggest thing to keep in mind - you can not help him.

But of course there's the question of what to ultimately do. You might reacting as if this was a completely healthy relationship. Talk to as many people as you can about it - anyone you have a good relationship with, whether family, friends, or coworkers (I'm guessing he doesn't like that, or may have actually asked you not to do this, because he'll be incredibly shamed if his behavior is made public knowledge). Do not adjust your behavior to avoid triggering him - ultimately, on a long enough timeline, you can't avoid this, as you've probably already discovered. Try your hardest not to blame yourself for the situation - he didn't give you advance warning this would happen, and his emotions and thoughts are his choices. And if it's possible for you to start seeing a counselor, do it (but don't bring him along, for couples counseling or anything - that can actually make it worse). These things will probably affect the dynamic in the relationship, and while I can't predict for sure how, they will definitely make things clearer. It's possible that you will be able to work things out and be okay. It's possible that you'll have to get help to ultimately get out of the relationship. But either way, things will be better for you, and you'll feel more empowered than you do now.

Best of luck. Feel free to pm me if you can, I'm happy to talk in private about it.

[Mogget]

You already know what you need to do: GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE. Your boyfriend is abusive and that's not going to change anytime soon. As Gravity says, there is a pattern in abusive relationships where the abuser is abusive, then apologizes and asks to be forgiven, is, acts okay for awhile, then starts abusing again. Depending on your age you should either talk to a trusted adult or a counselor who can help you escape this relationship. I know it isn't easy, abusers set things up so that it's very hard for their partners to leave, but when he acts all sweet and nice, it's just that: an act. Your boyfriend is neither sweet nor nice and does not deserve your love.

[Wolfgirl90]

Originally Posted by Mogget

You already know what you need to do: GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE. Your boyfriend is abusive and that's not going to change anytime soon. As Gravity says, there is a pattern in abusive relationships where the abuser is abusive, then apologizes and asks to be forgiven, is, acts okay for awhile, then starts abusing again. Depending on your age you should either talk to a trusted adult or a counselor who can help you escape this relationship. I know it isn't easy, abusers set things up so that it's very hard for their partners to leave, but when he acts all sweet and nice, it's just that: an act. Your boyfriend is neither sweet nor nice and does not deserve your love.

This. Spot-on. I don't have anything to add except my personal experience:


I was in a relationship that was showing the early signs of patterns of emotional and possibly physical* abuse. The emotional was more prevalent and obvious, but I still stayed for far longer than I should have. Here's how I got out of it:

1) Like Mogget suggested for you, I saw a counselor
2) I talked to close friends( Who are adults) and shared my concerns.

So, I built a small network of support; of people who knew about the situation and were encouraging me to find the strength to end it despite the times where she was " apologetic" and a soft-spoken.
Then, we had a "bad" day, where she was being particularly hurtful. She then said something that was so hurtful...I knew it was a dealbreaker. I knew I deserved better. So I dropped her off at her place, and then I relied on my support. I called my best-friend, and I talked to her as I sobbed and gathered her stuff at my place. I stayed on the phone until I went up to her door....

I broke it off quickly. I was short and to the point. And then I left quickly, because she had the power to manipulate me and I was afraid of being drug back in.

My advice It may take the same kind of thing for you to finally end it (a situation where you are upset enough that you can muster the courage). You may need to do the same thing in the breakup itself to avoid drama: Be short and quick about it. Tell him you'll give him a chance to talk in a few days, but right now you can't handle talking to him. He'll likely beg and plead with you, but you've done the right thing.


I then texted my entire little network and asked for people to help me through this. Some of us met for coffee..Try to have a friend or two on standby if possible. This person doesn't deserve your affections; you deserve to be treated with respect, dignity, and trust.




( *When intimate she would hurt me and tried to degrade me for expressing something hurt. Said that I should put up with it because "pain is good". )

[Caoimhe Fayre]

I agree with Mogget. You need to get out of that relationship.

You are not doing your boyfriend any favors by staying with him - you are showing him that this behavior is okay. The only way to show him that his behavior is NOT okay, is to leave him, tell him why you are leaving, and never look back.

You deserve better. You deserve someone who will treat you with trust and respect.

[seeksanctuary]

He's generally such a sweet guy.

...

I feel so trapped.
he's... possessive.

he doesn't like me talking about my orientation
my orientation only matters again when he's horny
constantly accuses me of crushing on other guys/girls
gets angry if I hang out with any of my guy-friends
gets moody and jealous
hates my ex-boyfriend
However, he's friends with every single one of his ex-girlfriends and hook-ups
If I get a text, he'll demand to know who it's from
he doesn't believe me until I show him
If I post a picture of myself on Facebook, he'll get irritated at me
He often makes comments like, "Damn, that girl is hot!" or "Yeahhh, I'd do her. Just saying. I'd do her real good." But if I happen to comment on the attractiveness of another guy/girl, he gets really angry and moody, and won't talk to me for the rest of the day.

... yeah, sounds like the sweetest man ever.

Not to be rude, but PLEASE. PLEASE. Reread what you posted. READ it and actually LISTEN to yourself.

Get out of there.

Just because you love him doesn't mean he's good for you. I loved my ex, too, and he was horrible to me and everyone around me. Love doesn't mean an absence of abuse, and he IS abusing you. Maybe not physically, but emotionally, and emotional abuse is JUST as bad as physical abuse.

Emotional Abuse

And then he promises he'll change, but of course, he doesn't.

Because he is an abuser. He will NEVER change, and you will NEVER make him into the person you deserve. Yes, he cries when you try to end things... Abusers do that. They get angry and upset, because HOW DARE people leave them? They don't think they're doing anything wrong. That's why they are dangerous! They're crocodile tears, nothing more.

If I were you, I'd end it. Don't let the sob stories fool you.

Originally Posted by SunSparks

Tell him what you are feeling in terms of your frustration about how he treats you. If he doesn't believe you, show him your "data." Tell him that he has to work on himself and how he treats you if the relationship is to progress. Help him, remind him when he mistreats you, and push him so that he can change. Don't put it all on him to change - with your encouragement, maybe he might just change. In this case, since your not asking him to change his personality, I think asking this change is ok.

The thing is, Sun, this is a very dangerous suggestion. Abusers will sometimes get angry and even violent when confronted with proof of their abuse, or they will outright deny it. They will use it against you, and bully you into feeling bad you ever even brought it up. Telling them to work on it won't help; they'll promise to change, but they won't, and in the end they think the WORLD is the problem. Not them. He won't change. I can assure you that. Pushing someone like that to change will only end in further problems. And lastly... It IS their personality. There is a defect with them, in their brains. That is why change just doesn't happen.

I have been there, done that. I've tried all that and I can speak from experience... If you're asking for help, or venting like this, there is something wrong. And from what I can see, there is a LOT wrong.

[Anonymous]

OP here -

Thank you all so much for your advice and support!

I'm crying right now, but at the same time, I'm so frustrated! I've read all your replies and damn, you're all right. It scares me. He scares me. I've spoken to 3 friends - two of them know my boyfriend fairly well. All three have advised me to leave.

Boyfriend and I were at work together today. It just so happens that one of his most recent ex-girlfriends is our co-worker. So earlier, he said his back was sore, and he asked her to give him a massage, and she did. They were laughing and joking together all afternoon, and he was being very flirty. Don't get me wrong, I'm not jealous. I have no problem with her, she's a great girl, and I'm glad they managed to stay friends after their break up. (Also, I suck at giving decent massages. So I'm not surprised he asked her.) But honestly, if I acted like that towards another guy/girl, he would have a flippen' hissy fit. It's not fair that he can do whatever the hell he wants. I don't think he was trying to make me jealous, but if he was, it's damn immature. He's even a few years older than me, and yet, he acts like a bloody two year old.

Telling them to work on it won't help; they'll promise to change, but they won't, and in the end they think the WORLD is the problem.

Wow, I've heard that line from him so many times, I've lost count. "The world is the problem. Other people are breaking us apart. We're not the problem, I'm not the problem - everyone else is." I can't believe I didn't see this before. I feel like an idiot. And I know I need to get out, as fast as possible.

Tell him what you are feeling in terms of your frustration about how he treats you. If he doesn't believe you, show him your "data." Tell him that he has to work on himself and how he treats you if the relationship is to progress. Help him, remind him when he mistreats you, and push him so that he can change. Don't put it all on him to change - with your encouragement, maybe he might just change. In this case, since your not asking him to change his personality, I think asking this change is ok.

The thing is, Sun, this is a very dangerous suggestion. Abusers will sometimes get angry and even violent when confronted with proof of their abuse, or they will outright deny it. They will use it against you, and bully you into feeling bad you ever even brought it up. Telling them to work on it won't help; they'll promise to change, but they won't, and in the end they think the WORLD is the problem. Not them. He won't change. I can assure you that. Pushing someone like that to change will only end in further problems. And lastly... It IS their personality. There is a defect with them, in their brains. That is why change just doesn't happen.

I've tried to tell him how unfair he's being, but he just denies it or stops talking to me. And yes, he will get very angry and possibly violent if I show him physical proof of his behaviour. Sometimes I get so mad at him, and I'd love to show him what an asshat he's being... but I can't, and I won't, because I'm afraid of what he'll do. So it's a good idea, SunSparks, but not possible in my situation.

And then I left quickly, because she had the power to manipulate me and I was afraid of being drug back in.

Yes, he does have a way of manipulating me. The crying, the begging... he knows I'll stop arguing if he turns on the water-works. And he twists my words, makes me question my own sanity. At the end of an argument, I'm the one apologising for something he did wrong! It took me a while to realise this, but it happens every time, and I can't take it anymore!

But still, I'm afraid of hurting him. I'm afraid that he'll do something stupid. He broke a window when his last girlfriend made him angry. And I don't think he'll actually hit me... but sometimes I'm not sure. It's a bloody terrifying situation.

I never understood why anybody would stay in an abusive relationship. If they're being abused, why don't they just leave? But I think I understand now. God, this is horrible... I don't want to think of him as a bad guy. I don't want to think of him as some kind of monster. He was my best friend, and I love him. Calling him "emotionally abusive" just seems so wrong! But even though I know I have to leave, I just don't know how. We're busy texting now, and he's being so sweet. "I miss you! I wish I could see you tonight!" How do I end things? I'm stuck!!



Gosh, I'm sorry for the long post, guys. I don't even know if it makes sense. Thanks again for being so awesome. I don't know what I'd do without EC.

[Gravity]

Don't worry about the long post - all of us are here to help. And don't feel stupid because of the situation. You didn't create it.

If you're sure you want to end things, there are a few ways you could do it. If you can't tell him face to face, or at least over the phone, you could get someone else to do it. Or you could write a letter or email (though he might deny getting/reading it, so it might be best to have someone physically hand it to him). In any case, don't argue the point - as you've seen, arguing is hopeless with him, as he'll twist anything around into a fault of yours. Just say how you feel, as little as possible, explain that you can't be his girlfriend anymore, and leave it at that. Don't even try to explain your feelings.

You don't live with him yet, so that's a plus. You can feel safe at home. As for work - you could ask to be transferred to a different area of the job where you won't run into him, or just look for a new job. If he actually refuses to leave you alone, you can get a restraining order.

I know you love him - if you didn't love him, it wouldn't be emotional abuse. And I know it's hard to call it that. But listen to your feelings - they're not wrong. Listen to your friends - they know you, and him.

If you really need to think of it this way - getting out of the relationship is going to be the best thing for both of you - you AND him. Whatever works, so long as it gets you to tell him that you're ending the relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP here, guys -

Sorry to dig this thread up again from the depths of EC. Just thought I'd let you know that I finally found the courage to break up with my boyfriend.

It's still very difficult. I miss him. I hate hurting him like this. But I won't let myself go back. I've told a couple of friends about my situation, and they're helping me through it.

My boyfriend (well, ex-boyfriend now) has been arguing with me every day since the break up, sending messages like:

"Why is your ex so important to you?"
"Why are you choosing him over me?"
"What can I do to make you love me enough, so that you'll choose me instead?"
"I hate this, I hate him, I hate him being in your life."
"You're not sorry. Don't tell me you're sorry."
"You don't care about me."

I've told him that this actually isn't about my ex. It's about his attitude, his possessiveness, and the way he tries to control me. I don't even know why he's blaming my ex for this break up. It's all very confusing. But he denies being possessive and controlling, and goes back to blaming my ex for every single one of our problems.

His last message today was: "Go to hell."

I've turned off my phone and I'm going to ignore his messages for a while. I know he's angry and hurt, but right now, he's just making things harder for both of us. Hopefully one day, we can be friends again, because he really can be a great guy. But he's an awful boyfriend, and I'm glad I finally found the strength to get out.

Again, sorry for bringing this thread up after such a long time. Thank you all for your support, and for listening to my tales of woe. I appreciate it so much!

[silverhalo]

Dont apologise its great to hear that you have taken those steps forward even if you havent quite made it to the otherside yet. Whilst I didnt post on your original thread im sure I cant speak for those that did when I say its great to hear from people on the current situation of a thread you were posting on, its nice to know people have taken advice or that you have helped in some way.
Take care and stay strong.

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much, silverhalo.

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

Thank you so much, silverhalo.

This man your with sounds just like my Dad and Im Sorry to inform you, but the best thing you can ever do for yourself and him as well, is to get out of this relationship as soon as possible.

This is a by-the-book abusive relationship that you are in and its extremely unhealthy. It will be far from easy but from what I have read in your post, and from what I know of my own past family experiences, the best thing for you is to get away. If you don't, battered woman syndrome could develop if it already hasn't, these situations in which he makes you question your sanity are classic examples and also the fear to leave (may be subconscious).

You deserve your happiness and should never have to put up with this. The most important part of a relationship, romantic or not, is being able to stand on equal ground.

[Anonymous]

This man is an abusive, manipulative person. The fact that you feel like you can't leave him because he's been "hurt in the past" is proof of his skill at manipulation. It's not YOUR responsibility to endure his abuse to keep him from being hurt. You need to leave quickly and silently. No fights. No confrontation. While he's at work or out, pack your stuff and leave.

I had a relationship that might as well have been a mirror of yours. My orientation mattered when he found some chick he wanted "us" to "take home." He did that double standard thing with me, too. He'd cry and tell me would change and then go right back to his old crap a day later. He was jealous and possessive. I made the mistake of confronting him with an ultimatum. I basically said "Change or I'm leaving." It started off as crying and begging me to stay, but when I started packing some things, he got very angry, very quickly. He screamed and threw things. Eventually, he slammed my head against a wall and slapped me so hard his ring cut the corner of my eye. I was able to get out the front door and ran to the corner gas station to call my friends. I never called the cops. I wish I had.

Now, I never thought my guy would do something like that. Ever. Totally caught me by surprise. After I got out of there I started going to therapy. The first thing I learned is all of the warning signs (a bunch of which you described) and what I should have done to end the relationship: absolutely no confrontation until I was safely away from him. They said I should have either gotten to my parents' house, a friends' house, etc. and called him to end our relationship or gone to our apartment with friends or relatives to do it, get my stuff, and leave in one fell swoop.

Please don't "just vent" and do nothing about this situation. You need to leave. I know you love him and sometimes he's all sweet and nice, but it's not real. A real man/woman/partner will not treat you like this.

I hope everything works out. Stay safe.

[Gravity]

I'm also glad to hear that you got out of this situation - good for you!

Don't feel bad for missing him, or for feeling confused - unlike how he treated you, these are very normal reactions to leaving a relationship, healthy or not. But definitely avoid him as much as you can now - beyond just turning your phone off, you might consider having his number blocked. After having the strength to get out of the relationship, you don't need further abuse such as him telling you to "go to hell."

I'm also glad you have support from friends, but feel free to keep posting anytime if anything more develops. There's no time limit on asking for support when you need it.

[Anonymous]

OP here -

Originally Posted by Anonymous

This man is an abusive, manipulative person. The fact that you feel like you can't leave him because he's been "hurt in the past" is proof of his skill at manipulation. It's not YOUR responsibility to endure his abuse to keep him from being hurt. You need to leave quickly and silently. No fights. No confrontation. While he's at work or out, pack your stuff and leave.

I had a relationship that might as well have been a mirror of yours. My orientation mattered when he found some chick he wanted "us" to "take home." He did that double standard thing with me, too. He'd cry and tell me would change and then go right back to his old crap a day later. He was jealous and possessive. I made the mistake of confronting him with an ultimatum. I basically said "Change or I'm leaving." It started off as crying and begging me to stay, but when I started packing some things, he got very angry, very quickly. He screamed and threw things. Eventually, he slammed my head against a wall and slapped me so hard his ring cut the corner of my eye. I was able to get out the front door and ran to the corner gas station to call my friends. I never called the cops. I wish I had.

Now, I never thought my guy would do something like that. Ever. Totally caught me by surprise. After I got out of there I started going to therapy. The first thing I learned is all of the warning signs (a bunch of which you described) and what I should have done to end the relationship: absolutely no confrontation until I was safely away from him. They said I should have either gotten to my parents' house, a friends' house, etc. and called him to end our relationship or gone to our apartment with friends or relatives to do it, get my stuff, and leave in one fell swoop.

Please don't "just vent" and do nothing about this situation. You need to leave. I know you love him and sometimes he's all sweet and nice, but it's not real. A real man/woman/partner will not treat you like this.

I hope everything works out. Stay safe.

Oh my. I'm so, so sorry you had to go through this. But very glad that you managed to get out.

Unfortunately, I also tried the "change or I'm leaving" approach at one point. He cried and begged me to stay, and so I just couldn't do it. I know better now.

I had to break up with him over the phone. He can be scary sometimes, and while he's never hit me, he does have some very serious anger issues. The thought of doing it in person was terrifying. Also, I knew that if I was speaking with him, face to face, he'd have a better chance of convincing me to stay.

I'm done with him. I'm feeling a lot better today, and feeling positive about the future. I definitely don't need someone like him in my life.

Everyone, your support means the world to me. Thank you! I'd be lost without EC.