Dying to Know if I'm Bi or Gay?

[Anonymous]

Chances are I'm not lesbian, but I'm dying to get the sexuality thing clear. My mom says I shouldn't worry, but I am. Time to pour my heart out.

When we were young, we of course always heard about mommy and daddy. It was always male and female. I really had no romantic desires as a child. I know some people say they've always known they were gay because they were always attracted to the same sex as a child, but that wasn't my case. I found out about homosexuality when I was in 4th grade, and bisexuality in 7th. I never really thought much about it. I always supported gay marriage because I felt like marriage was between 2 responsible, committed adults. I still do.

On to the point: I am a very picky person. I do not fall in love easily. When I was about 8 or 9, I was exposed to some material (not anything explicit) that had to do with girls that turned me on and always has since then. I won't mention exactly what it was, because I'm too embarrassed to, but I promise it wasn't harmful. I felt this could be a sign of being attracted to women. Maybe. When I was about 11, I had an unusual attraction to breasts. (A lot of chicks going through puberty seem to compare their growth, but I loved them) I often caught myself looking at the chests of the other girls in my class. I found that detail about women unusually attractive. I agree straight women appreciate the bodies of other women, but something about my view of them seemed unusual.

I can't remember being attracted to a specific female except some random stranger on the bus when I was 14. I don't know exactly why, but I felt really nervous around her and even butterflies. I felt like if I would talk to her, I would babble. It was one of those weird moments.

As for men, when I was little I always expect to marry a man because, well, that's what we were told we were going to do. As I grew older, I saw girls get boyfriends, and I just didn't understand the rush. I felt they were growing up too fast. I didn't like any of the boys in my class growing up, because I was in a small Christian school. I tried to make myself like this one boy, when in reality, it was just me trying to get something to do. I didn't have those butterflies or anything like they say you do when you're in love. I kept feeling like I needed a date, anyway.

Last year I met a boy I met online in person. Long story. I was extremely nervous. I can't decide if it was attraction or if I was just shy. The thing is after I left him, we hugged goodbye and I didn't feel any sparks or anything. If I was truly attracted to him wouldn't I have felt sparks? Same goes for kissing boys. I admit that hasn't been a constant thing for me. I felt nothing. Holding hands and hugging boys are NICE, but not spectacular. My mom says I just haven't found the right person.

What confuses me the most is the sexual part of sexual orientation. I find the idea of coming in contact with a penis, just, weird, but my mom says that's because I haven't experienced that yet because of my lack of interest in local boys. I have had moments where I've thought a boy was "good-looking" or have liked their voice, but that's about it.

I want to say I'm sure I like the same sex, because, from what I've heard about the kind of sex they have, sounds appealing to me. Not saying I would go randomly find a female and "do it," but I hope you know where I'm coming from. But then again, I've hardly been attracted to an actual female as well.

I don't think I'm asexual, just picky tastes. Help?!

[LailaForbidden]

I feel your pain. I really do. I feel like this post could've been written by me, except i have been attracted to a particular female in real life. Unfortunatley, i haven't figured this all out either, so i'm afraid i can't give good advice. I just want you to know your not alone and if you want to talk about it you can always message me Good luck!

[Rygirl]

Hey, I have been in a pretty similar position to yours, it took me nearly four years to understand my sexuality. I come from a very conservative family where if two people kiss on the TV I am still told to cover my eyes. I didn't even think of sexuality because I had been raised so carefully not to think about it. So when it finally came to answering all of these scary questions I was nearly panicking, I didn't know if I was gay, or bi, or something else completely.
The thing that made all the difference for me, was slowing down and giving myself the time to sort through all my issues at my speed. And that is the best thing I can recommend, give yourself time to work it out. If someone had told me four years ago that I was pansexual then I would have probably gone into denial all over again. You will get there