Knowing that you are gay.

[Anonymous]

So...I'm 23, a guy and still a virgin and I'm pretty sure I'm gay...I don't look at guys alot and I don't get excited looking at guys...although on occasion someone does catch my eye...but I love touching/kissing guys..I get confused though because sometimes I'll see a girl that I think is pretty..but I can't picture being with her..and don't want to touch her..I just want to look for a minute and then I'm done...but I can picture myself being with a guy, loving a guy, marrying a guy even...and I really only fantasize about men.

I've pretty much came out to everyone and I'm even dating a guy who I really like but, I suddenly have this fear of what If I'm just trying to make myself gay because I prefer to spend time with men and feel emotionally closer to them...also I'm not a very dominate person so sometimes I feel like I just want to be gay so that I can have someone protect me so to speak...even though the idea of being with a guy and the act of kissing a guy excites me I'm worried that when the time comes with him that I don't be able to get hard, because I tried to experiment with a guy once before and I would get hard but, couldn't stay hard...but that might be because it was in his car and I was very scared and constantly looking over my shoulder for people who might catch us...though I did still enjoy touching him.

I'm just very confused about...how do I know I'm gay and that I'm not just trying to convince myself that I am.

[Mercuree]

I've had the same doubts.. I have had hetero relationships. Only a few sexual encounters with both genders. my first gay experience was definitely nothing to go on. We were drunk, it was rushed, there was no feeling. That worried me, like maybe I couldn't have an emotional bond with a guy but only a sexual one.

I dont think that that is the case however. It just takes meeting the right person. The fact that you only briefly look at girls is pretty self explanatory, I think. I'm the same. I often even find myself thinking, "she is awesome, would make a nice girlfriend" but I think that that is just me still trying to conform to the normality that is expected of us as humans.

Dunno if this helps at all.. I hope you figure things out though. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I know what you mean. Oftentimes I feel like I'm trying to MAKE myself be gay, even though I know that those are my real feelings and I'm not lying at all. I've had relationships with people of the opposite gender before, but they never had much feeling behind them and my only sexual encounter with someone of the opposite sex was really awkward and I wasn't aroused at all.

[Anonymous]

I can relate to those feelings too, I read the first paragraph and was like "wow this could be me". I think we all subconsciously want to act like society expects, only to find out time and time again it's not what we really want.

[Josh S]

Definitely understand how you feel, I'm in a similar position. Twenty-one, don't 'oogle' guys, have never been 'intimate' with another person or in a relationship for that matter. Feel fairly certain at this point that I want to be with another man, yet have also been confused [though this has lessened as I've gotten more comfortable with my sexuality] when noticing pretty girls. However, aside from that I don't feel the desire to be with a woman as I do a man and when thinking of it it doesn't arouse the same feelings within me. Not that it would be impossible to have a relationship with a woman, I just don't think it would mean as much to me [if that makes sense.]

The trouble is that sexuality isn't black and white. You can be a gay man and still notice women, but there's a difference in finding them attractive as opposed to being attracted to them. And it doesn't help things for those of us who might not see ourselves as 100% gay/Kinsey 6/whatever that society is constantly broadcasting images of straight relationships and sexualized women as if it's saying, "LOOK, LOOK. This is what you should want." But I digress . . .

It's interesting that you say things like, 'I suddenly have this fear of what If I'm trying to make myself gay.' In a way, it's as though you're suggesting that you don't doubt your attraction to other men, just whether you're 'gay.' From my perspective, going from your post, you sound pretty sure that you're gay, even if it's subconsciously. Afterall, you fantasize about men, enjoy kissing them, can imagine being in a serious long-term relationship, not to mention are dating one currently. The only thing to counter this is that you notice pretty girls. If you're good with just looking at girls and then moving on, then that tells me you aren't attracted to them.

If you're nervous about getting intimate with a guy, don't take that as an indicator that you might not be gay. For anyone who's still a virgin, when you suddenly think in terms of actually having sex with another person rather than just having a random fantasy, it can be somewhat nerve-wracking. While I can't say so myself, but what Mercuree says seems to hold true with what I've seen from others, that it's just a matter of meeting the right guy.

Sorry that post was so long, but I hope it's helped somewhat.

[Lexington]

I've never been an ogler. There have been times I actually felt like ogling guys, and I literally had to actively DO it. Like, pick out a guy, wonder if it'd be worth ogling him, and then look at him in an active fashion. I'm just not wired that way otherwise.

But I do like guys. So pretty sure I'm gay.

Lex

[Anonymous]

OP Here:
Thanks Lex and Josh yall's post helped me out alot...I think I'm just scared because I've been with my boyfriend for 3months and I'm pretty sure we are going to start sleeping together soon...I guess I'm just so nervous about it that I'm all worked up for no reason...and I'm glad I'm not the only one that doesn't look at guys and get turned on...I need some kind of emotion,feeling,touch,smell..something else for it to kick in.

[Lexington]

I actually view it as a positive. It means I'm treating everybody as a human being, not a potential sex partner. The same reason straight women like hanging out with gay guys ("he treats me like a person").

And if things start taking a turn for the romantic/physical, make sure you keep your boyfriend in the loop. You're new at this, you're nervous, you think you're supposed to be reacting a certain way and you're not. Chances are he'll be more than happy to walk you through it.

Lex