Confusing - please help clarify

[Anonymous]

I'm a 22-year old male and I'm having difficulties having to grasp everything I've learned about myself in a very short amount of time. I need somewhere to share my story where people who have been through this will know how to advise me, or give me some pointers, on how to proceed, on what's normal or not.

When I was about 16 I had an intimate connection with a man over the web, we talked over messenger, he was US Navy and I said I loved him and I wanted to be with him. I tried to erase this from my memory shortly after it ended, as it ended terribly (he said he loved two people, me and another guy, and I stopped talking to him). During this time I felt quite lonely, and that I couldn't connect with anyone.

I've had 3 relationships with women, I was a total late bloomer and I waited until I was 20 to lose my virginity with a woman who I was good friends with in college. When I did, it felt good, but the relationship didn't work out. After that a family member of mine got gravely ill and I kept at his watch for a year or so. When he got better I went after women again (quite agressively), and I had a new girlfriend who turned out to be a lesbian in the closet. It had happened to me before - I was infatuated with a lesbian right before i lost my virginity to my female friend.

By this time (after my 2nd girlfriend) I was having therapy and my therapist heavily implied that I was chasing lesbians because I was gay. I didn't realize it, or listen to her, at the time - what happened to me I was hanging around with a group of guys and getting young girls from bars. I loved this time of my life and I didn't feel much of any sexual attraction for any of them (although I felt curious). Finnaly I started getting close to a guy and we developed an incredible friendship. We would always go to parties together and brag about our conquests to each other, and the thing was when he bragged I think I sometimes felt a tinge of sexual attraction for him. When I bragged I felt like I was trying to make him feel the same way. He once jerked off in the same room as me and I felt really excited.

We went to a 24-hour New Years trance party and I took a lot of drugs and it hit me that I had been in denial about being sexually attracted to men for years. By the end of the party a man came to and asked if we 'were just friends' and I started smiling happily and confessed to my friend that I was sexually attracted to him and that I had thought about having sex with him. He said he sometimes felt the same way, then completely flipped out and went out of the party. Before we left talked about it and he said he didn't want to try it. I said that after what had happened I felt we should take each our own path. He later told me he had been sexually abused by his father, and I told him to go to therapy.

I had a girl on the backburner, someone I was meeting up for sex occasionally, and she had started off a bit flaky but then showed herself to be caring, considerate and giving. After a while I just thought 'fuck it, why am I not in a relationship with this girl?' and simply went for it. The sex is amazing. In fact, the sex is sometimes so good I feel like crying of happyness. I just didn't feel like I'd ever have sex that good (we do things that porn directors wouldn't dare, and sometimes we have loving, considerate sex where we tell each other we love each other). Recently she asked me how it felt to be inside her, and i said 'complete'. It was the truth, it felt absolutely great. She knows everything about my bisexuality, and I sometimes even tell her 'I feel a bit gay today'. She told me she loved me anyway, and that in fact it aroused her and would like to try being with other men. She's also curious about being with women.

But sometimes, and particularly when the relationship feels *very* secure, I feel like I'm kinda bored and I start fantasizing often about men and being penetrated. I've thought about asking her to penetrate me, but she loves being dominated so much that I don't know how that would work out. When I return to her after thinking about men, I question myself a little over whether I should be with her. But then we're together I like her company and we have great sex, and it feels so great that I don't even know why I keep thinking about men. Funny thing is, when we're having trouble I often have fantasies about her.

Here's the question - Ever since what happened with my friend, and then after as I am developing a relationship with this girl, I don't want to later discover that I am gay and in denial. I feel like I sometimes avoid turning the relationship into something too serious because I'm afraid of hurting her. I haven't slept with a man yet, but I've had serious boners over a proposition recently. I don't want to tell her that I 'need to sleep with a man first, figure this out, and then maybe we can start a relationship again when I'm sure'. So I'd like to know -

Is there any way to make this doubt go away?
Do you think I'm bi, or gay ?
Is it normal that gay men to have such fullfilling sex\relationship with women ? Is it part of being 'in denial' so to speak ?

Sometimes I think I'm just overthinking it, that I should just accept whatever I feel like at the moment, but I feel the doubt sometimes undermines our relationship.

TL;DR - I think I'm bisexual, but I'm confused, and I'd like to get away from doubt so I can be in a fullfilling relationship. With a man or a woman.

Thanks for reading

[Jim1454]

Hi there and welcome to EC.

In the end, the only person who knows what your orientation is is you. And you're on the right track in terms of figuring it out. Talking about it and thinking about it is likely what is necessary.

I had a relationship with a woman for 10 years and we had pretty satisfying sex the whole time, but I finally had to admit and accept that I was gay. I would fantasize about men when I wasn't with her, and eventually the preoccupation of thinking about sex with men finally lead me to cheat on her. I really didn't like myself for having done that and wouldn't recommend sneaking around. So yes - gay guys can have satisfying sex with women, and I do think it's the power of denial at work.

Being open with her about this is probably the best way to go. She might as well be in on your thinking, because one way or another she's going to be affected.

[kitsune309]

Due to your feeling "complete" when you make love to her, and happy with your relationship with her, yet still very much attracted to and desiring of both men and women, you sound like the picture of bisexuality to me. Just remember, anything you feel, and anything you want is just your sexuality expressing itself. Nothing you feel is the "wrong" feeling, it's just part of you. So even if later in life you no longer want to be with a woman, it doesn't make this relationship "not count". You love her now, and that makes it important.

You may find your mind changes about your identity, or about what you want, but don't let the fear of that keep you from enjoying what you have now.

Right now you feel bisexual, so right now you are bisexual. You may feel gay later, or straight later. Sexuality is very fluid. But you are exactly what you feel you are. Don't stress.