Someone please help me figure this out.

[Anonymous]

I thought it was over, I thought I figured it out I'm 21, a guy and...I thought I was gay...but now I don't know..I'm out to almost everyone but, I'm technically a virgin..I'm dating a guy but, we have only made out so far....so I'm gonna throw all of these puzzle pieces out and hopefully someone can help me figure it out >.>

I'll start by saying that I have no romantic interest in women...I don't wanna be with one or date one, but I do have romantic interest in guys..I wanna cuddle close and grow old with a boy. I've made out with a girl too...when I try it with a girl it feels awkward..I feel a little sick on my stomach when a girl touches me and I want her to stop. When I kiss a guy..it's easy...I can cuddle into him, smell him, and I want to kiss more....and I have gotten hard while kissing a guy, but it goes away unless I start touching it..and will come back then go away and so on if I don't.

Now here is the problem...I don't watch porn really, I prefer to read erotic stories or use my own fantasy...when I use a fantasy I always think about guys...but, I tried porn tonight and I started watching gay porn, got excited and stayed hard but, I couldn't finish...so I experimented and watched lesbian porn and I was able to cum....I'd switch back and forth between the two and just couldn't do it to the gay porn...and now I'm soo confused...usually in my fantasy a guy is rough and will call me dirty names that's usually the point where I cum...but, I tried 2 gay porns and in both the guys on top were just kinda casually thrusting into the bottom without a word and the bottom was just grunting and I guess the guys weren't really my type, they were skinny and I just don't find that very attractive...but, in the lesbian porn they were calling each other names and such...so I'm wondering if this is what caused it.

I'm so depressed right now...I thought I had figured all of this out I liked kissing boys and didn't like kissing girl's it was that easy...I did give a guy a handjob once and I really really liked that but I couldn't stay hard when he tried to give one to me, I'd always thought it was preformance anxiety or because we were in his car in a parking lot and I was constantly looking over his shoulder but, now I'm worried that maybe I'm straight after all and I don't want to be straight...I love my boyfriend..I'm happy being gay...if I'm actually straight then I'll have to be alone forever because I don't want to have a girlfriend.

The weird thing about the videos was I didn't find anything about the women attractive really...most women just look the same me really...I think I know why I couldn't cum to the gay porn...I think I just wasn't into the guys, but why in hell did I cum to the lesbian porn!?!!!...After I just spent years questioning this and finally accepted I'm gay now I'm questioning again, someone please help me.

[Anonymous]

OP Here:
I thought I should mention that it took me nearly 30mins to finish...I don't know if that makes a difference.

[Anonymous]

Op:
No ideas? This is keeping me up.

[Lance]

You sound pretty dang gay to me. I wouldn't worry about it. If you were straight you'd be way more into girls and be turned off by men. You don't really even sound bi since women don't appeal to you in any sense. You're aroused by men, fantasize about them, like kissing them, want to be in a relationship with them, and want to grow old with one. You're gay. You can't think you're straight from ejaculating to one lesbian porn movie, lol. I can't masturbate to porn that has guys or situations that I find unattractive either.

[Anonymous]

OP:
thanks...I guess I just needed someone to reaffirm it...I really just came out to myself a couple months ago...and moved really quickly from denial to out and dating a guy...so...this just kinda freaked me out...I feel like I should have taken more time to accept myself before I jumped head first into being out...

[Kidd]

Straight guys don't like giving other guys handjobs, or fantasize about doing anything sexual with other men. You aren't straight, period. So my advice to you is, stay the course, and don't worry about it. I think you're getting worked up over nothing. You found some bad gay porn that you didn't like. That doesn't mean you aren't gay. It just means you didn't like that porn. That's fine. You have a boyfriend you love and are (presumably) happy with and hopefully will be with for quite some time, possibly the rest of your life. So even if at some point in the future you realize that you have bisexual tendencies, then just cross that bridge when you get there. It's a moot point right now.

[Anonymous]

Op:
Yea...I'm sorry I feel like I kinda wasted yall's time...I just really freaked...thanks for taking the time to help calm me down though.

Originally Posted by Anonymous

Op:
Yea...I'm sorry I feel like I kinda wasted yall's time...I just really freaked...thanks for taking the time to help calm me down though.

Hey!!!

Don't apologize....you didn't waste anyone's time. I think we've all gone through similar situations like this. And even though the membership is huge....I'm sure the numbers of 'guests' who read EC out numbers the membership (they always seem to in forums like these). If anything, you'll be helping people who are going through the same exact situation.

Your sexuality is really a growing process. Even though society, as a whole, has become more 'accepting' of diverse sexualities, they don't teach gay/bi 101. So growing up as kids, with sexuality 'issues', it's a process.

As a gay male who 'tried' living the straight life....I can say I'm speaking from experience so....you didn't waste anyone's time AND you're not alone.

[Anonymous]

Yep, you sound fully gay so congrats on that. What I'd like to know is how did you get into the situation of giving a handjob to a guy and how did you meet a guy to date already? That never happens to me

[Bobbgooduk]

OP - I think you're a romantic! No shame in that!

Not everyone like the machine-like activity the gay porn films would have you believe is "normal".

Some men like "giving" without "receiving" - again, nothing wrong with that.

You probably just need to get to know someone much better, to feel you can trust him completely before you want to give yourself up completely. And there's nothing wrong with that.

As far as love and attraction are concerned, there really are no rules in the sense that there are no "you're supposed to feel this" or "you're supposed to be able to do that".

We are all individuals.

[Anonymous]

Originally Posted by Anonymous

Yep, you sound fully gay so congrats on that. What I'd like to know is how did you get into the situation of giving a handjob to a guy and how did you meet a guy to date already? That never happens to me

OP:
I'm just the kind of person that once I decide to do something I make an strong effort to achieve it...the hand job was a moment of weakness, I was soo confused I found a guy online and was willing to do anything to figure out if I was gay or not...and my boyfriend, we met on a dating site that let me make it clear that i wanted a relationship and block people who just wanted sex...hence why we have been together for 3 months and are just now starting to think about sex.

As for the romantic thing, I'm sure I am...if I had to chose between sex and cuddling I'd much rather cuddle up with a guy and just hold each other...I guess I'll fill people in, in case anyone else is having this problem. After I calmed down I realized in the lesbian porn it was the dirty talk and degrading that excited me...I can't even remember what race the girls are now...so I guess I wasn't looking at them...I was just listening to the insults...and I tried for 50 more minutes to watch gay porn this morning...nothing..then I found one movie that was much better...better lighting/sound/camera angles and the guys seemed to care about each other and it didn't take 10mins to finish...I guess it's just a matter of finding out what I like since honestly I tried my best not to even masturbate till 18...and I'm just now finding porn at 21 >.>...so if anyone else has a similar confusion...I think for me it's just a matter of slowly learning what I like...I now know..I like rough degrading things...and in love caring things...and nothing in between.

Hopefully if nothing else my crazy breakdown will help someone else.

[Bobbgooduk]

Hehe - talking dirty can be sooo much fun!.

I think the thing about porn is that it's exciting because we can project outselves into those situations - for me it isn't a matter of whether the "characters" are male or female, it's a matter of whether I can "see" myself in similar circumstances and find that exciting.

Good luck with your journey!