Afraid of men?

[Anonymous]

For perspective, I'm a 20-something gay guy that's relatively attractive, I guess. I've been single for forever and happily so but recently I've really been wanting to throw myself into the dating world again. I've never had any problems attracting guys or anything, but nothing has ever worked out because I subconsciously and blatantly sabotage it. I went on a date with a guy I met online, we had fun and some drinks at his very ritzy apartment and I was genuinely attracted to him, and then after that I never returned any of his texts, never went out with him again, and basically avoided him at all costs. I blocked another guy on Facebook that I talked to pretty frequently because I felt like things were getting too "romantic." It wasn't serious at all at the time, but if I hadn't done something we would have eventually gone on a date or more. I know that I sound like the world's biggest jerk, but it had nothing to do with them. I somehow simultaneously manage to crave and fear attention of any sexual kind whatsoever. Does anyone have any advice? Because I really would love to move past this and live a happy life.

[squally89]

Sorry for bringing more questions than answers...

What do you mean by "fear attention of any sexual kind"
It is a physical fear or emotional fear?
It is something to do with your past experience?

[Anonymous]

I was never abused or raped or anything like that, but I'm not a virgin either. I mean, I lost my virginity young. Very young, but it was consensual, to someone my own age. And before someone questions how consensual it was, it was really consensual. As in, I was begging for it and so was he. I really don't look at that as something traumatic. I wish it hadn't happened that way, but I don't consider it traumatic. Oh, and I'm totally 100% out and comfortable identifying as gay, and I have been for a long time.

But anyway, now that I'm older, it's really hard for me to connect with other guys in a romantic/sexual way. I don't know how else to say it. I tend to be pretty shameless and open about my feelings and my experiences, so I guess it's mostly a physical fear, which seems really stupid to me because I've already done it. I don't want to be graphic, but a naked guy in front of me is exciting and also really disgusting to think about at the same time. The idea of sex is attractive, actually doing it not so much.

I almost feel like that makes me borderline asexual. But then I feel like I can't be asexual because I desperately want sex and love and a happy relationship. But then when an opportunity comes I do everything I possibly can to shoot it down. Am I just a crazy asshole? Do I just have run-of-the-mill intimacy problems? I honestly kind of regret even bringing this up now because I feel like I'm cheapening and distracting from other people's problems when I know I bring this on myself.

[Bobbgooduk]

Judging by what you say, you've had sexual experience but little romantic experience.

This makes a big difference - you are comfortable with the "mechanics" but the emotions are lagging behind due to lack of practice and I think you fear you will get it wrong and therefore avoid the issue.

Being "romantic" and wishing to succeed in getting someone to fall in love with you rather than just want sex with you is neither unusual nor unexpected.

I joined a gay dating agency when I was looking. I was contacted by one guy and we arranged to meet in London. We met and decided to go for coffee. We went down the escalator to the tube platform and when we reached the bottom. He turned round and said, "I'm sorry, but I don't find you physically attractive" and got on the up escalator and left me there! Wasted train fare, and it would not have hurt him or me just to have spend half an hour being sociable. I didn't fancy him either, but I wanted to meet people, not just have sex.
(and I know my pic here makes me look like an axe-murderer - I chose it because it looks nothing like me - clever camera angle).

So, arrange dates on the understanding that you have no expectation of falling into bed, take the trouble to chit chat and find out about the person, be pleasant and show an interest, find out their opinions on things, how "out" they are (that shocked me a lot) and what they do for a living, hobbies - etc.

If you like them, say so and arrange another date there and then - there's nothing more hurtful than waiting for the call that doesn't come - it's so demeaning. If you don't think there's a future, say so without being personal or hurtful. If you're in doubt, then agree to give it another go.

I think that when you've done this for a while, you'll have more confidence around men and not just sex-partners, you'll be able to be more relaxed and natural and you can show your sense of humour.

Have fun! Be patient! Be careful of feelings - you're not out to hurt!

Hope you found some of this helpful.

[Chip]

You're not asexual. There are all these terms being thrown around, largely, I think, to allow people to feel "special" and I don't think it does a service when we have all these added labels that allow people to be content with what, 10 years ago, would have been recognized as a dysfunction for which people could seek help.

Now... that said, the self-sabotage is a very, very common thing among gay relationships. In your case (as is also very common), it's probably driven by a fear of intimacy. And that can have a lot of causes, but one of the more common ones has to do with a fear of loss; that if you allow yourself to fall in love with someone, that they won't love you back, and the relationship will end, and you'll end up hurt... so by simply nipping it in the bud, you avoid the inconvenience of all of that hurt. Of course, about 95% of that happens below consciousness so you aren't really even aware it's happening at the time.

Another factor that can play into this is a low sense of self, and that, too, is very common among gay men, driven by shame. Shame is really insidious, in that it complicates so many other things. Shame at its root is a fear that we're not loveable, not capable or deserving of belonging, and so it drives all sorts of behaviors, including numbing, lack of authenticity, and various other things. Shame is something that we all have, and the less we talk about it, the more we have it.

So the first step is to do exactly what you've done... start talking about your situation. The very fact that you identify the problem is a huge step in the right direction. I'd suggest, if you're a reader, getting a copy of Joe Kort's amazing "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love" which has almost nothing to do with finding real love, but everything to do with understanding yourself and addressing the core issues that interfere with being able to love. Another really excellent book is Brene Brown's "The Gifts of Imperfection" This talks about how self-esteem, shame, and numbing get in the way of loving, wholehearted living, and provides a series of "guideposts"... things we can work on to help become more open and live more fully.

Finally, really good therapy can help, if that's something within reach financially.

Keep in mind this isn't something you can "fix instantly" but if you start working on it, you'll be surprised how quickly you can start to see differences in yourself and work through the issues that make it difficult to have relationships work.

This is also something that sometimes it helps to just talk about. So I'd encourage you to keep the conversation going in the forums, ask lots of questions, and raise lots of concerns and issues, and if you think it would be helpful, I and the rest of the advisor team are here to help one-on-one and we're all just a PM away.